Tropic Thunder Page #3

I feel like all the good ones are gone.

Well, at least you get to choose yours.

I'm stuck with mine.

Tell you what, get back to work,

genius soldier.

The Pecker's on a TiVo mission

for the Y-O-U.

Work on those tears, my man.

All right. Yeah.

Say it for me one time.

- You make me happy.

- Make me happy.

- I love you, buddy.

- All right, bye.

Crisis meeting?

What does that mean, exactly?

I mean, are we in a crisis?

He's the head of the studio.

He's reaching out.

We're 10,000 miles away.

He just wants a little face-time.

I know, it's just you said

that he called it a crisis meeting. So...

It's Les Grossman.

He throws these words around.

"Crisis," "explosion,"

"not rolling," "fired."

These are just words.

Yeah! Yeah!

Keep a secret? A camera truck

in London just plowed into Judi Dench.

Trust me, he's got bigger problems.

Look, he may be able to see me,

but I can't see him.

- Move! Move! Hello, Les! Hello!

- Get your ass out of my...

- Your feet were on my desk.

- Can he see us?

I don't know why we don't have...

Get him a Diet Coke. Les! It's working!

Yeah, whatever you're doing right there.

Hello, Les!

- Hello, Les!

- Okay.

We got you loud and clear here, Les.

I see you. I see you. I see you.

Which one of you fuckfaces

is Damien Cockburn?

That's me, sir.

It's good to finally meet you at last,

get some face-time.

And who here is the key grip?

You? You.

Hit that director in the face,

really f***ing hard.

Sorry, man.

This is your fault, you limey f***!

You sh*t the money-bed, my friend.

- What?

- God damn it, Damien!

With all due respect, Les Grossman did

not blow up the jungle.

- What?

- F*** the jungle.

Exactly!

Come on, man.

Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry,

but I am dealing

with a bunch of prima donnas!

Clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can't cry!

He can't cry!

You know how you handle an actor?

They whine about anything,

you pull down their pants

and you spank their ass.

- You spank that ass, Les.

- What?

Spanking a child

turns him into a little snot.

Fear makes him a man.

I know a place

where a man's worth is measured

in the ears hanging from his dog tags.

The real deep sh*t.

You wanna make this movie right?

You wanna make this movie right?

That's where you take

your pansy-ass actors.

Who is this guy?

Les, that's Four Leaf.

Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback.

I wrote the book.

You're a great American.

This nation owes you a huge debt.

Now shut the f*** up

and let me do my job!

- Look, Cockburn.

- Yes.

From now on, my fist

is gonna be so far up your shithole

that every time you have a thought,

it's gonna have to tiptoe

past my wedding ring.

Take control of your actors,

or I will shut you down.

Diet Coke!

One week down, two weeks behind,

GI Joe can't cry, don't matter 'cause you

ain't got the camera turned on anyway.

Let's party!

Man, you better get your sh*t straight,

or I'll be on the next NetJet out of here,

baby. You feel me?

- You feel that?

- Yeah.

Here comes another.

There we go. Now what?

- Sandusky. Good.

- Hey, Mr. Cockburn.

We need to have a cast meeting

right now.

- Right now? Awesome.

- Yes.

You actually care, don't you?

Yeah, it's a huge deal for me,

are you kidding?

I've spent the past two years of my life

living off residuals from a anti-herpes

medication commercial.

I know, you're the only one

who auditioned,

the only one who did

the two-week boot camp.

Hey, hey, Alpa.

I'm the director. He's...

I need to speak to my actor.

All right, hold up. Chino?

What? Hell, yo. What's up, baby?

This about

the Booty Sweat cross-promotion?

No, it's about the film.

Oh, the film and Booty Sweat's

the same thing. Give him a shot.

Hey, how you doing, Jeff?

- Who are you?

- That's awesome, man.

Kevin. Kevin Sandusky. I play Brooklyn,

we've been working together.

Oh, right, right. I like you.

Man, it's a real honor to be here...

I can tell it's gonna be

a good experience.

I'm really having a good time.

Hey, can you help me out, man?

I'm looking for this guy.

The grip with the bandana.

He's got a package for me.

There he is, f***er. Dragon!

What the f***? Oh, buddy!

I'm gonna go shoot a video, right?

I'm gonna have V.C. Soldiers

in the video

doing the noodle-legs, Damien.

Hell, yeah, do it. V.C. Soldiers doing

the hip-hop bunny hop, Damien.

It's good, I love it, great. But I need to...

V.C. Soldiers doing the seizure, baby.

Hit it, baby.

Hell yeah, get it. Get it, Cornbread.

Alpa!

Yo, check it out. Donny on the phone.

Hello? Yo, yo, Donny!

Can we call him back?

I've got to have a cast meeting.

When we put aside our differences,

we see we're kind of the same.

When we put aside our differences,

we see

we're kind of the same.

Let's be friends.

I know we can do great things together.

That's a quotation from

a children's book I co-wrote,

The Boy Everybody Was Jealous Of.

I think it pertains to the journey...

Simple Jack sucked ass!

All right, who said that? It's not funny.

Whoever it is, it's not funny, okay?

When the herd loses its way,

the shepherd must kill

the bull that leads them astray.

- Four Leaf?

- Come on over. It's okay.

- Sit down.

- Yes.

- So, you don't like the hotel?

- Beds give me nightmares.

I'm guessing right about now

you couldn't find a Dixie coonskin

with an Ohio hooker holding your prick

and showing you the way.

What?

You're a riddle

with no cheese to maze through.

Don't you get it?

No, I don't. I'm a cock of the mouse

or something. I don't know.

I put my story in your limp Brit hands,

and you are not going to fail me.

You think I was just blowing

my own bagpipe in that meeting?

You must put those boys in the sh*t.

What? I don't understand.

- You wanna make your movie or not?

- Yes, I do.

All right, you get

some of those little video type cameras.

We take them out there, and we put

them in the trees in different angles.

Then you give me

and that pyromaniac Cody

all the smoke bombs, charges,

explosives, detonators you got.

Then we take those boys up there,

me and Cody,

we could light up that f***ing jungle,

so those lily-dick actors

would be shitting their pants

and screaming for their mammies.

They'd be begging for a body bag

if it means a ride home.

I could do it.

I could shoot the whole thing

guerrilla style. Gritty, dirty.

Get them away from their helpers

and ass-licking assistants.

Put them in the real sh*t.

- Real sh*t.

- With real fear in their eyes!

Real fear, real emotion!

Yes, Four Leaf, yes!

- Yes! Yes!

- Yes! Yes!

Take them off the f***ing grid!

You are no longer actors in a movie!

You are five men in a helicopter!

With three other men!

How long are we gonna be gone,

anyways?

'Cause I left most of my vitamins

back at the hotel.

- Save your breath, maggots!

- That's right, maggots!

M&M?

M&M?

Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper!

Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper!

Move it, maggots, move!

Move, grunts, move your ass!

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