Tropic Thunder Page #4

Get out, you wriggly worms!

- It's up too high!

- Move, move, move!

See you in hell!

This is bullshit!

I gotta at least call my f***ing assistant.

F***ing! Jesus! Dude!

You're sitting on a nest

of hostile enemy V.C.

Congratulations, Fats.

You just got us all killed.

Anybody else care to give away

our position to Charlie?

Cell phones!

What the hell, Damien?

Weren't no cell phones in '69, man.

I'm head-to-toe legitimate.

Gentlemen, I've got good news

and bad news.

The studio wants to shut us down.

That's the bad news.

And the good news.

If you wanna save this movie,

you will become a unit.

Your objective is to head north

to the D'ang Kwook River

and liberate the POW camp,

at which point Four Leaf

will get himself captured,

at which point you will rescue him,

at which point

we will chopper you home!

Damn.

Four Leaf,

since you're the staff sergeant,

there's the map, this is the scene list.

Think you can handle it?

We have rigged this entire

valley of death with hidden cameras.

And I will be shooting as well,

from unseen vantage points,

so that every glorious moment

is captured on film.

And believe me, gentlemen,

it will be glorious.

If it looks real,

chances are it probably is.

You wanted to be actors.

You wanted to occupy

the skin of another human being.

Well, get ready to occupy the skin

of a terrified U.S. Infantry grunt,

surrounded by death,

crawling up Satan's bottom.

There'll be ambushes, enemy fire,

your own little personal slice of 'Nam.

This radio goes to the chopper

and the chopper only.

The chopper is God,

and I am Jesus Christ, his son.

You are my chosen disciples.

And no one gets to go home

till we get the shots.

Put on your war faces, gentlemen.

Now, let's go and make

the greatest war movie ever!

- Yeah!

- All right!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Not bad, Cockburn!

Not bad.

Wherever you are!

Wherever he is?

Looks like he's all over the place.

Here we go.

Must be an old French mine.

It's a remnant from colonial Indo-China.

This jungle must be full of them.

Don't you get it?

He's messing with our heads.

That's what all that

playing God stuff was about.

He's trying to get us to act good,

save the movie.

He ain't playing God.

He's being judged by him.

That's our objective.

Complete the mission.

No offense, Kirk,

I know you're the big fancy actor here,

but I've done a lot more effects-driven

event films than you. Okay?

And I think I can spot

a prop head when I see one.

Oh, Jesus.

It's corn syrup, guys.

Corn syrup and latex.

Warm, blood-flavored corn syrup.

Oh, God.

Smoke and mirrors, guys.

Welcome to the movie factory.

Oldest trick in the book.

He getting down now.

Oh, my God!

Whoa, look at me!

You're going to get the shots,

and I'm going to make sure

because I'm the director.

I'm from London. I direct plays.

Hey, Damien! We got our war faces on!

Look, I'm Dave Beckham.

So, we gotta

light these boys up today, huh?

Blow some sense into these young men.

Hey, I don't want to come off

as weird or anything,

but I might be your biggest fan. Yeah.

Tropic Thunder.

Kind of like my Catcher in the Rye.

Yeah, I've never been in the military,

per se,

but I have lost an appendage

in the line of duty.

Driving Miss Daisy, first studio gig.

Yeah.

It's a pretty cool sidearm you got there.

What is it?

I don't know what it's called.

I just know the sound it makes

when it takes a man's life.

Okay.

Damien, we're go for explosion.

Ready to kick the tires

and light the fires on your say-so.

Damien, we're go for explosion.

Do you copy?

I got an itchy trigger finger here,

and I'm ready to blow some sh*t up.

All right, you happy now?

Can we do the scene?

Or do you need a formal invitation?

Come on, let's go!

Here. Okay.

"Scene 12, exterior,

jungle clearing, day, ambush.

"Four Leaf notices

movement in the brush.

"A dozen guerrilla fighters

can be seen moving in the tree line.

"Somewhere a mine explodes."

And you.

"I got a bad feeling on this one."

- Yeah.

- No, that's your line.

- I got... Now?

- Yeah, but scared. Like, scared.

- "I got a bad feeling on this one."

- Dude, wait, like how?

"I got a bad feeling on this one."

- Okay.

- Action. Go, come on.

I got a bad feeling

on this one there, Fats.

Our asses don't get fragged

in this bullshit valley,

first thing I'm doing

is paying my two bucks

so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry

on a sweet little mama-san's

dinky dau poontang.

Sh*t, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged

before he get any cooch.

He die, he probably die

a coochless motherf***er.

Zip it, Motown.

Don't you worry, Brooklyn.

You got a lot of days of f***ing

ahead of you.

Man, I'm thirsty.

Might as well have some of this

Booty Sweat I got back in Danang.

Yo, a**hole! This motherf***er's dead!

Ain't no Criss Angel Mindfreak,

David Blaine trapdoor

horseshit jumping off here!

Hey! You wanna get on the train here,

or do you wanna ruin another take?

There ain't no goddamn takes,

ain't no goddamn motion picture!

- You sure?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- For certain, man.

Then why are you still in character?

I know, but I don't have to tell you.

You don't know.

Man, I don't drop character

till I done a DVD commentary.

You happy now?

We're out of position for the effects!

Get down, fool!

Didn't anyone read the script?

This is the ambush!

- This feels pretty real!

- Exactly! Let's use it.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Eat lead!

They're busting caps

like a motherf***er down there.

This is FUBAR. I say we juice them.

- What do you think?

- Juice them.

F*** you, Charlie!

Big-ass titties!

Look at that, huh?

And cut!

That's the trailer right there.

Yeah!

- What do we do now?

- Yeah.

North. Man said to head north.

- Did you see me shooting?

- That's how we do. Good work, baby.

I believed it.

D'ang Kwook River.

I'm betting

he's got more of these battles

and Viet Congs

rigged for us along the way.

Sergeant Osiris, get your men.

Load and lock.

Real, baby, I'm real.

Let's go! We got a lot of klicks to cover!

Hump it up, gentlemen!

Single formation.

Don't dawdle now!

D-Rod, D-Rod, this is Puddingface.

How are we coming on that hotplate?

Something's up.

I think we better drag ass back there.

Make sure Damien ain't forgot

how to use his talkbox again.

Yeah, baby, come on. Just a little taste.

- What are you doing, Jeff?

- F***ing... Nothing, man!

- I'm eating jellybeans.

- Wow, I love jellybeans. Can I please...

No, you can't have

any f***ing jellybeans.

They're mine.

You think

you're the only one who gets sick

when he doesn't have his jellybeans?

Boundaries, man. F***.

Hey. I didn't mean to

show you up back there.

It's just, I feel like we really need

to set the example for the other guys.

It's gonna be tough,

but I think Damien's gonna get

some great sh*t out of us.

Just wish I had

a director like this on Jack.

On Jack. What? Jack?

What you talking about?

- Simple Jack.

- Oh, yeah.

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