Trouble Along the Way Page #2

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a few years ago.

- Are you of a forgiving nature?

- Well, l'm in that business.

ln my book, he's one of the best.

Had a lot of tough breaks.

Maybe you'd be good for each other.

Maybe you could help him

and he could help you.

- Just don't tell him l sent you.

- Thank you.

- Very athletic young men.

- Oh, lay off, Father. He's mine.

Well, thank you. Thank you again.

l'm sorry to disturb the game.

But can anyone tell me

if a Mr. Steven Williams lives here?

Ask her, Father.

- Does he?

- What do you want with Steve?

l have a position to offer.

He's a little old for an altar boy,

but follow me, you look harmless.

- Come in.

- Hi, Carol.

- Hi. Hi, Matt.

- Hi, Carol.

That's Steve.

He's got a sucker on the hook.

Mr. Williams.

l couldn't set them up better myself, Steve.

Sit down, rest awhile.

l must apologize

for interrupting your game.

Oh, it's nothing. Only 75 a ball.

l'm Father Matthew Burke.

l'm Rector of St. Anthony's College.

You're a little off your beat,

aren't you, Father?

One foot on the floor.

l don't think so.

l'm looking

for an experienced football coach.

l understand you used to be

one of the best.

- Who told you?

- Your shot, Steve.

You have friends.

Friends who wanna save my soul...

...and get us out of this

unwholesome atmosphere?

l have a school

that's in financial difficulties...

...that's my only reason

for coming to you.

l'm afraid you're a little out of touch.

l've been kicked out of the Big Ten...

...the lvy League

and the Southern Conference.

They wouldn't even let me coach

at Alcatraz.

l know all about that.

The offer still stands.

No, thanks. l like it here.

Very few alumni come back to tell me

how to hold this cue.

Do l detect a note of bitterness?

You do indeed, Father. You do indeed.

- Steve, take 40 to 10 on the Yanks?

- Sure.

Oh, it's a fine game, football.

Noble game.

Originated in England in 1823...

...by an enterprising young man named

William Webb Ellis...

...who studied for the ministry,

by the way.

Found his team behind in a soccer game.

So he picked up the ball...

...and ran through the amazed opponents

for a thoroughly illegal touchdown.

And that's how football

was born. lllegitimately.

So it moved to America...

...where someone took advantage

of a loophole in the rules...

...and invented a little formation

called the flying wedge.

So many young men were maimed

and killed by this clever maneuver...

...that President Roosevelt,

Theodore Roosevelt...

...had to call the colleges together and

ask them to make the game less brutal.

He was, of course,

defeated in the next election.

- Three ball in the corner.

- This l gotta see.

ln spite of this setback,

football became an industry.

Price of a good running back

often surpassed the salary of a professor.

And when some righteous committee

unearthed this well-known fact...

...it was always the coach

who took it on the chin.

l just got tired of picking myself up.

- Six ball's a hanger.

- Thanks, junior.

Do l gotta play the whole family?

You mustn't judge St. Anthony's

by the standards of other schools.

l'm willing to take a chance on you.

Well, the trouble with us, Father...

...is that l'm a sensitive man

and you're a gambler.

No, thanks.

Rack.

Take my advice and stay out of sports.

You'd be a babe in the woods.

I'll rack them up for you

if you don't mind.

l also play a very good game

of Kelly Pool...

...if you should change your mind.

- Yeah?

- Good morning.

- l'd like to speak to your father.

- He isn't up yet.

- May l come in and wait?

- What for?

l'm from the probation bureau,

Domestic Relations Court.

l thought we just won

the hour sweepstakes.

Come on in.

You can sit down on that chair.

We just had it disinfected.

Will you please tell your father l'm here.

lt's a sort of thing l'd like

to work up to gradually.

ls it a bad one?

lt will do.

Was l in a--?

- Came in second.

- What was it about?

Steve, you ought to get yourself

a steady girl.

There aren't any. Except you.

I'll bet the coffee's made

and the orange juice is ready.

That's not all. We've got company.

- The law?

- Yeah.

I'll get some evidence in my favor.

I'll pay the damages, Grogarty,

and here's a little something for your kids.

- l thought you said--

- She is.

Well, l'm sorry,

l thought you were a policeman...

...that l've had dealings with

from time to time.

l'm from the Children's Division

of the Court of Domestic Relations.

l've been assigned to investigate you

and your child...

...with regard to her environment

and educational standing.

Excuse me.

The deadline for school is in exactly eight

and one quarter minutes.

Miss, please don't use the word ''child''

with such chilling precision.

lt sounds like you're talking

about a shipment of coal.

Her name is Carol.

l shall, of course,

continue to choose my own words.

You seem to be particular about everything

except dirty dishes.

Well, the butler was late today.

Miss, l've met a lot

of belligerent people in my time.

You're in the first division.

l'm beginning to wonder whether

I'll get a fair shake in this investigation.

l'm completely impartial.

But l have no hesitation in saying...

...that l'm almost certain my written report

will be unfavorable.

Before you get to know me?

As usual, l interviewed the child's teachers

and your neighbors before coming here.

My neighbors, did they knock me?

Little Benny Baker, did he knock me?

Mr. Baker on the contrary

was most profuse in stating...

...that he regards you

as one of nature's noblemen.

- See.

- Mr. Baker is a disbarred jockey.

One Boots McManus,

a young lady with bright pink hair...

...who is engaged in some vague capacity

at the Full House Club...

...is enthusiastic, even ardent

in her regard for you.

- l give up.

- To quote her verbatim...

...and only in part, she says:

''Steve is ziggetty.''

That's enough. l take back

what l said about you being unfair.

l'm sure you wouldn't be.

Could l offer you

some breakfast, Miss...?

Singleton. No, thank you,

l've already had mine.

Another wouldn't hurt you.

Not with that figure.

Mr. Williams, don't turn on the charm,

this is strictly impersonal with me.

Fire away.

Well, the court received a complaint

that your child is being neglected...

...and wants a full report

on your fitness as a parent.

Mind telling me who filed the complaint?

l believe it was your former wife.

Why is she so interested all of a sudden?

There's no reward.

Shut up.

We don't talk about my mother around here.

She's been annulled.

Stand still. Don't be so ziggetty.

Mrs. McCormick is merely worried

that you're not being cared for properly.

l must say it appears

she has some grounds.

Now, now, officer,

don't jump at conclusions.

l'm the nicest father a little girl ever had.

Show the lady how nicely the welts

are healing where l beat you.

And those new teeth he bought me

are just as good as the old ones. See?

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