True Memoirs of an International Assassin

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[tires screech]

[man speaking French]

[in French]

Mason Carver was hired to kill me.

He shows up, you kill him first.

[men speaking French]

[helicopter whirring]

[in English] Come on!

- [man 1 grunts]

- [man 2 shouts]

[men grunting]

[chuckles]

Oh, fu...

Okay, RPG's way over the top.

What is the next move?

Next move.

What would he do next?

What would he do next?

[man] What's up, man? We doing this?

What's he gonna do?

[man sighs]

All right. Catch you later.

Ka-Bar tactical knife.

Let's light this candle.

[grunting]

- [man] Come here. [grunts]

- Help.

[woman] Stop.

Let me go! Help! Help!

[both grunting]

[woman screams]

[both grunting]

[alarm wailing]

[screaming]

[man screams]

[gasps]

[woman] Give me your hand.

- What are we gonna do?

- Crash.

Hopefully in the water.

We can survive that?

Let's go with it for now.

[screaming]

[Mason] Yeah! Yeah! [laughs]

[both laughing]

- Thank you, Mason.

- Well...

[chuckles]

Oh, signature line time.

What do you say to a beautiful woman

whose life you just saved?

[groans]

Hmm.

[sighs]

Signature line time.

I got nothing.

[Stephanie] Wait, wait, wait. Hold it.

[exhales deeply] Thank you, Sam.

- [in a deep voice] No thanks needed.

- [chuckles]

Just doing what any man would do.

Let's just say you owe me one.

You owe...

Missy, you owe... [mutters]

I'm sorry. Are you still talking to me?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I was...

thinking what I would say

to a beautiful woman. Sorry. I didn't...

Not that you're not... beautiful.

I didn't...

This is a different one.

- This one's in my head.

- Okay.

I'm coming, too.

I'm not following you.

I'm not following you. I'm going this way.

Whoa, Larson.

This isn't some kind

of disgruntled employee thing?

No, no, I'm not disgruntled.

I'm totally gruntled.

I'm gonna need these home electrical

fire tables on Monday.

Uh, excuse me.

Wasn't Jerry supposed to do these?

[chuckles] Jerry.

All right, here's the deal.

Between you and me,

I never should've hired Jerry.

But what am I supposed to do, right?

That's my wife's brother.

Not to mention,

I accidentally texted him a d-pic...

which was meant for...

Jill the intern. You've seen her, yeah?

Right, no, I know. Anyway, the point is,

he's got me by my Bert and Ernies.

The thing is I'm about to finish my book.

And I just...

I wanted to take the weekend

to polish it up.

Make sure it's accurate.

Okay, how about you just make sure

that these are as accurate as possible?

That's why you get paid the big bucks.

I'm kidding.

I know you make less than I do.

Good stuff.

Fire tables, Monday.

Let's stay athletic, people.

Stay athletic.

Mind and body. Mind and body.

- Thank you, Mason.

- Well...

that's why I get paid the big... bucks?

[mouths] What?

[Sam] Yeah, that was...

That was pretty bad.

[grunting]

- [clattering]

- Ooh...

Sorry, Mr. Lowenthal.

- [gunfire]

- [man grunts]

Never bring a knife to a gunfight.

Works, works, works.

[in Spanish] Still need a signature line.

[in Hebrew] Beautiful weekend, Amos.

[in Hebrew] Didn't notice.

Your Hebrew is almost as good

as your Spanish.

Ah...

- [in English] Here's some Italian.

- [in English] I owe you one.

I know you're good for it.

If a Mossad agent had to crash land

a helicopter into the water...

You know I was just an analyst, right?

I'm not asking if you had to.

I'm asking if a field agent had to.

Samuel, when was the last time

you had a date?

- What do you call this?

- Two putzes in a pool hall.

Yeah, well, last night I saved

a beautiful woman in Tangier.

Well, you'd better be careful.

You don't want the best things

to happen to your alter ego.

Yeah, well, right now my alter ego's

on a helicopter about to die.

Now, come on, I bought you lunch.

Fill me in here. What's up?

A field agent wouldn't crash a copter.

He would jump out.

Better chance of surviving a fall

than a crash.

Wouldn't the fall kill you

before the crash?

It depends on the height

and how you land.

There's a story,

and I don't know how true it is,

of an assassin so deadly

that he eliminated

over 30 high-value targets

in his short career.

They say for his final mission,

he was hired by the Brits

to poison a Venezuelan general in '88.

So, the operative escaped

in the helicopter, but they shot it down.

And most believe

that that was the end of him.

- Oh, but he lived.

- Well, there are some who think

that he jumped out

before the helicopter crash

and he survived.

Yeah, they say he is out there somewhere,

living in the shadows.

To this day, they still call him...

the Ghost.

No, but personally, I... Me?

I don't believe any of this.

The Ghost.

Samuel, that part is just between us.

- That is not for the book.

- Of course. I wouldn't think of it.

- Did you hear what I said?

- I heard you.

[helicopter whirring]

Are you sure about this?

Better chance of surviving the fall

than the crash.

Just wait for the right moment.

Now!

No, I really don't think I... [screams]

[both laughing]

Thank you, Mason.

[shushes]

Call me the Ghost.

[printer buzzing]

[man] Hey, Mr. Larson.

Hey, William.

[phone ringing]

[groans]

- Hello.

- [woman over phone] Samuel J. Larson?

This is Kylie Applebaum, publisher.

Sorry. I'm not interested

in any more subscriptions.

- Thank you.

- I'm not selling, I'm buying.

Not literally. I'm taking a commission.

But I'm definitely not selling.

Uh, I'm confused.

Your book.

Can you meet me at work tomorrow?

Uh, yeah. Sure.

[Sam] So, this is your office?

Offices are for a**holes.

- I work in the cloud.

- Oh...

- Okay.

- I wanna publish your book.

- You do?

- And I'm not changing a word.

- Are you being serious?

- Yeah. I just need for you to sign first.

- Use your finger.

- [stammers]

Okay, I should probably have my attorneys

take a look at this and then...

[chuckles] You don't have attorneys.

That is sweet that you made that up.

I have your best interests at heart.

When would this come out?

Soon as you sign. Virtual publish.

- Like Amazon self-publish.

- Amazon self-publish?

That is amateur hour. This is big time.

- You heard of Twilight?

- You published it?

If I published Twilight,

I wouldn't be talking to you.

This is how the next Twilight's

getting published.

Okay. Know what?

Maybe this isn't the best fit.

I'm not saying that. Sorry.

- Look, please sit down. I'll sign.

- Initial there.

And there. One more there.

I was wrong, one more.

And sign there.

Skinny Chai tea.

- Oksana?

- Oh, that's me.

- Skinny?

- Oksana?

Oh, yeah, I never use my real name. This

place is a den of wannabe writers. Ugh.

So, I'll send you the proceeds,

less my commission,

and congrats,

you are a published author, my man.

[Kylie] All right.

[Sam]

You're talking to a published author.

Online, Mom.

I sent you the website.

Yes, they know about it.

Mom, I'm not gonna get fired.

I'm not gonna lose my benefits, Mom.

It's... Can you...?

Would you please look at the site?

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