True Memoirs of an International Assassin Page #2

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What do you mean, it's not there?

Come on, Ma, it's right here.

It's under...

Nonfiction?

[Sam]

True Memoirs of an International Assassin?

- You said you wouldn't change a word.

- I didn't. I added one.

- An important one.

- It just felt so real.

The details, the research.

It's an impressive story.

- A made-up one.

- You needed social, I got it.

Ba-dang.

- Ten thousand downloads already.

- Ten thousand?

Ten zero, zero, zero, zero.

- That's a hundred thousand.

- Not yet, but maybe soon.

- So... so, people think I'm a hit man?

- Maybe they do. Maybe they don't.

- Yeah, but I'm not.

- Aren't you?

- No.

- So you say.

- This is crazy. I'm not the Ghost.

- [whispers] Oh, I know that you're not.

- You think I'm lying?

- No.

Stop. Stop doing that, please.

- Doing what?

- That thing with your eyebrows.

Nobody cares about a fictional book

about an assassin.

But a true story of an assassin,

now, that is how you move...

- tree.

- What is that?

Five large. Your profits, less commission.

[man] Peppermint mocha

with a double shot for a Min-Lee.

Oh, that's me.

Gotta jet.

[William] Hey, Mr. Larson.

Oh, hey, Sam.

I didn't know you were a writer.

Uh, yeah. Where'd you hear that?

You know how everybody

in the building talks.

Not really, no.

Raj on five sent a Snapchat.

- Oh. I'm not on the Slapchat.

- [laughs] It's Snap.

Never mind. Congrats.

Thank you.

You got to tell me though.

The whole assassin thing...

it's BS, right?

Well, I could tell you, but...

then I'd have to slit your throat

and watch you bleed out.

Oh, I meant...

- I'm gonna take the stairs.

- Yeah... that didn't come out right.

Oh, hope you're hungry.

Okay.

This is where you say, "I owe you one."

And I say, "I know you're good for it."

I told you the Ghost was not to be shared.

This is real life, Samuel.

People could get hurt.

- You read my book.

- Of course I read the book.

I thought we were friends.

Look.

I'm really sorry.

I changed the details.

It was supposed to be fiction.

Why do you write?

I wanna be an author. A published one.

- But not like this.

- No.

Why do you spend all your time doing it?

I don't know.

- To escape, I guess.

- Well, then you are wasting your time.

Stop writing other people's stories.

And start living your own.

[Sam] Look, Kylie.

I can't do this anymore.

I gotta tell the truth.

- I booked an interview with Katie Couric.

- On network TV?

What, are you 80? No, streaming, live.

- I can't come clean to Katie Couric.

- Who said anything about coming clean?

Just promote the book,

make us rich as hell.

And atone for your sins

in a follow-up to Katie.

- My sins? Did I hear you correctly?

- Yes, you did. The Katie Couric.

You don't understand. I betrayed a friend,

lied about who I am.

So did James Frey. On Oprah.

- That guy's a fraud.

- And a gazillionaire.

If you don't wanna do it,

I've got ten authors

who would give their left nut

to get on Katie.

Is it warm in here?

'Cause it feels very, very warm.

Hey, just spoke to the executive producer.

So, it's gonna be a softball segment,

two minutes tops.

- Katie hasn't read the book. Go get 'em.

- Okay.

Great to meet you, Sam.

I have heard so many nice things

about you.

You good?

- They've been so nice to me.

- Good.

- Anything you want.

- Okay.

Just ask.

Well, not anything, but...

[laughs]

- Thank you, Miss Couric. Appreciate it.

- Oh, please. Call me Katie.

Thank you, Katie.

- Katie.

- Just... Just breathe.

- Right, right, right.

- This is gonna be fun.

It is gonna be fun. It feels fun.

Katie.

Right here. Just check on this page.

- It's right here.

- [Katie] Right here.

- Uh, Kylie?

- Ten seconds.

Where's the timetable

that doesn't match the dates?

- [clears throat] Kylie.

- No, no, no, the other one.

- Five seconds.

- Yeah, perfect.

Can someone find my publisher,

Kylie Applebaum, please?

This is gonna be great. Don't worry.

[stammers]

- I wasn't. Should I be worried?

- [Katie] Love the book. Great stuff.

[man] Three, two, two, two...

For years, Sam Larson was known simply

as the Ghost.

But now he's telling all in his new book,

True Memoirs of an International Assassin.

Sam, thanks for being here.

Hello. Nice to... See me.

Do you mind if I read a passage

from your book?

Oh, why do you need? You don't...

You're gonna...

"Killing became easy for me.

I told myself that I was making the world

a better place.

But in my heart of hearts,

I knew the truth.

I was addicted to death."

Is Kylie...?

So, Sam, let me ask you.

Are you still addicted to death?

Can I...? You know, can I just...?

Before we start,

I've just got to go to the bathroom.

Is there a...? Do they have a bathroom?

Do they...?

- In the outside, is there a bathroom?

- We're actually live.

But this is also live

and I gotta make it happen.

I get... Is there...?

I've got to just... Excuse me.

No, no.

- [Sam] This is bad. This is very bad.

- Alison, is that him running?

Taxi! Taxi!

And now he's apparently getting

into a cab.

You know how many books

this is gonna sell?

Go, go, go.

Just keep on driving, please, fast.

Can you go?

Can you pass him?

Okay.

[in Spanish] He's here.

- Oh, God.

- [gun c*cks]

Hello?

[grunting]

[airplane landing]

[tires screech]

[gasping]

Is that blood?

[door opens]

Hey... there seems to be

some kind of mistake here.

I don't think there has...

Mason Carver.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

There definitely has. Um...

[pants]

- Mason Carver, he's not real.

- [El Toro] No.

But the Ghost, he is very real.

Although I did imagine you to be a bit...

you know... longer.

- You're pro-Dem guerillas.

- Yes.

[sighs]

I'm in Venezuela.

Very good.

But I'm not the Ghost.

Of course you're not, eh? [laughs]

I am El Toro.

Although you already knew that.

Just like you knew

that there was a Venezuelan general

that was assassinated by a sniper

in the late '80s.

Oh, no, no, no.

See, I changed that for the book.

[stammers] He was actually poisoned.

He was. Which is something

only the Ghost would know.

Oh, God. [sobs]

Thank you.

My hands were getting all numb

and prickly.

You know, the needles.

But please, you've got to understand.

I'm a writer, you know,

who does lots of research.

But I'm not... I'm not the Ghost.

Exactly... what the Ghost would say.

- [all laugh]

- I promise you, you've got the wrong guy.

You know how I know

that you are the Ghost, my friend?

[El Toro] Because if you're not...

I will kill you.

I will cut you slowly and painfully

with my knife.

So painfully...

that your innards will fall out

and spill out on the floor.

Then I will grab them and place them

on your chest.

And then I will place your hands

over them like that.

Something I like to call

the Venezuelan embrace.

I am him.

- I am the Ghost.

- I knew it.

- [speaking Spanish] l es el Fantasma.

- [all] Ah!

So, what can I do for you?

[El Toro] Mm. You, my friend...

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