True Memoirs of an International Assassin Page #3

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You are going to kill

the president of Venezuela.

[El Toro] In two days,

our so-called president

will throw himself an inauguration ball

to celebrate his fifth unelected term.

And there, you will take his life.

And in doing so,

you will send a message to the people

that greed and corruption

will not be tolerated.

And that the revolution has begun.

I understand completely.

It just seems you've got quite

a few resources here.

Wow, is that a 50 cal...

Yeah, that's a 50 cal.

Um, why not do it yourself?

Because not even I could reach the man

in his palace.

For that, I need someone

with your unique talents.

Right. First step would be

reconnaissance.

Uh, I would need a vehicle

and a map clearly indicating

- where the nearest airport is located.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why would you need that?

Because once it's done...

um, I'll have less than 90 minutes

to leave the country.

Out of the country?

- When it's done.

- Ninety minutes.

Okay, you're right. You will need a car.

And a driver, my second in command.

[El Toro] Psst. Oye, drive him.

Nice to meet you.

You are not the Ghost.

- He is the Ghost, Juan. He's the Ghost.

- He's not the Ghost.

And when I prove it...

I'm gonna kill him myself.

I must apologize for Juan.

He's a bit of a wet blanket.

Good luck.

[Cleveland] That idiot is dead.

[agent] So incredibly dead.

Voice analysis is back.

Name's Samuel Larson.

He published a book claiming to be,

get this...

an international assassin.

We should probably pull him out,

put him on a plane home.

Why the hell would we do that?

Because we're the CIA.

[both laughing]

- You almost got me. You almost got me.

- You know I like messing with you, man.

I didn't know where you were going

with that.

Bet you a Benji he's dead in less than 48.

Double he doesn't make it to breakfast.

Yeah.

[people speaking Spanish]

- [children laughing]

- [people talking indistinctly]

Come on.

From here you do your reconnaissance.

So, I guess I should get started. Uh...

So, I will see you

in probably a few hours, I guess.

Where you go, I follow.

Look. We seem to have gotten off

on the wrong foot.

No, I'm on the right foot.

The foot of you are not the Ghost.

What makes you so sure?

The Ghost would never have been kidnapped

so easily.

That's a fair point. But you know,

maybe I wanted to be kidnapped.

Or maybe you're a fraud. And a liar.

And maybe I kill you right now.

So, what is the Ghost gonna do?

That's a good question.

[grunting]

So?

What is the Ghost gonna do?

He's gonna pee. I got to pee.

- Around the corner, to the right.

- Gotcha.

[pants]

[breathes deeply]

[speaking Spanish] Gero?

Open up.

Open up.

[Juan] Gero, open the door.

[speaking Spanish] Polica!

[grunts]

[speaking Spanish] Polica!

[man yelling in Spanish]

[man yelling in Spanish]

Damn.

- [Sam] They're gonna kill the president.

- [detective] Who is?

Pro-Dem guerrillas. El Toro.

- They tried to hire me.

- They tried to hire you?

Yeah, but not the real me.

The fake me from my book,

True Memoirs of an International Assassin.

If that is the fake you,

then why does it say "true" in the title?

- It's just to sell more books.

- So, can you show me a copy?

[stammers] You got a computer?

- The computer's not working today.

- You don't have one working computer?

- You don't have one copy of your book?

- It's a virtual book.

- Ah, then it's not a real book.

- No, it's real. It's real, okay?

It's just online.

It could be the next...

Do you know Twilight?

- Oh, I know Twilight.

- It could be the next Twilight...

[inhales sharply]

Can you just take me to the embassy?

This doesn't look like the embassy.

It's not the real embassy, no.

[Sam sighs]

[detective] You sit here.

- Make yourself comfortable.

- [officer in Spanish] I'm calling him.

[speaking Spanish] S.

He says El Toro hired him

to kill the president.

[in English] We...? We gonna be here long?

[in Spanish] Masovich wants to see him

at his house in half an hour.

[in Spanish] He doesn't pay me well enough

to be at his beck and call.

[officer] You want to tell him that?

We'll take him to Masovich.

But not before this gringo gives me

a much-deserved bonus.

[in English] Okay.

You need to get me some money.

Some next-Twilight-sized money.

- Yello.

- [Sam over phone] Kylie. Hi, it's Sam.

Ghost with the most. What's the word?

- [Sam] I'm in Venezuela.

- Sure you are.

[Kylie] I'm doing that eyebrow thing

right now, BTdubs.

I'm telling the truth.

Uh... I've been abducted. Twice.

Oh, you are so method. I love it.

Can't wait to find out

what the Ghost does.

Oh, got to go. That's me. I'm Curtis.

Nothing, I...

- I got nothing.

- No.

I need to hear about a large sum of money.

Or your face is going to be nothing

- in three, two, one...

- No. Come on, please. No, no, no.

[speaking Spanish]

- Let's light this candle.

- [detective] Whoa, what are you doing?

- What was that?

- I didn't... I don't know.

- [Sam] Ow! That hurt. Oh, that hurt.

- This is going to hurt more.

[Sam] No. No, please, no.

[screams]

[Sam shouts indistinctly] No!

[grunting]

Get a move on, cupcake.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

Rosa Bolivar. DEA.

I've been trailing those cops

for two weeks.

They're on the payroll

for a heroin-smuggling Russian

named Anton Masovich.

Who's that?

A heroin-smuggling Russian...

Did you not hear what I said?

I'm sorry. Okay, look.

Thank you for saving me.

I don't do this job for thanks.

That's a good signature line.

Why does El Toro think

you can kill the president?

It's just a misunderstanding.

I'm a writer. I create characters.

- This right here is not me.

- What's your name?

My name is Sam.

[sighs] I'll tell you what,

Sam and cheese.

- I'm gonna get you out of this.

- Thank God. Thank you very much.

You're gonna do me a favor first.

Anything you need.

- Meet with Masovich.

- That's not gonna happen.

Your friends there told Masovich

that you would be at his place in 15.

If you don't show,

he's gonna know something's up.

What does he want with me?

That's what you need to find out,

honey baked.

[whispers] Honey baked?

It's that one with the huge gate.

I'm not going in there.

The one with the guards?

Is that a Doberman?

They've got Dobermans walking around, no.

I'm not gonna be buried in Venezuela.

I'm not going in.

If I go in,

I will be murdered in the face.

Look at me.

- Breathe.

- I'm breathing.

Not like you're drowning.

Slow it down.

Breathe.

If Masovich wanted you dead,

he would have ordered those cops

to execute you.

He didn't. They were going off-script

when they started shaking you down

for money.

Find out Masovich's interest

in El Toro and the president,

and I'll get you home safely.

Masovich needs to believe

you are an assassin.

Oh, I'm so gonna die.

I'm so gonna die.

- [man speaking Spanish over intercom]

- [in Spanish] Detective Garcia sent me.

[man speaking Spanish over intercom]

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