Tube Tales Page #2

I'm f***ing James, man,

from school!

Hey, listen, cause you ain't fat.

You've got the frame of a body

builder. All you need is the muscle.

- So are you working? Studying?

- I'm working, ain't I?

- 0h, yeah? What 's your job?

- I'm a computer engineer.

F***ing hell, man!

That 's what I wanna do!

That 's where the money is at,

at the call-in charge.

Excuse me.

- Do you think he's fat?

- Sorry?

Do you think he's fat?

- No.

- Thank you!

Stevie!

You can turn around now, man.

Stevie! Stevie!

It 's a good job I bumped into, mate.

You just made me remember.

You're looking well.

F*** it man, you are fat!

This f***ing train, man.

We're f***ing stuck here.

I'll tell you what: If I'm at the top

of your hit list, I'll take on you...

and all your extras, cause I ain't

no p*ssy cat. I'm Bulla, the bull.

- F***ing no! Not again, man!

- What the f*** are you doing?

- Calm down.

- What the f*** is this?

- It 's just a little bit of blood.

- Stupid wanker!

- I've got a nose bleed, all right?

- Stand back, please. Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

- Take this and hold your head back.

- What, man?

- Take another one.

I hadn't seen him for 10 years.

Look, I don't want you

to walk with me.

Hold it there, alright? Just wait

there for me. I won't be a minute.

Roy, Charlie, come in.

Is there anyone upstairs?

- Yeah, it 's Roy.

- Suspect coming up towards you.

Young guy wearing jeans with VEX

written on them and a black jacket.

- He should be going up the escalator.

- All right.

You can't miss it.

- It 's your lucky day, boy.

- No, my friend. It 's your lucky day.

Yes, got it.

F***!

Sh*t!

Stevie, I told you. You're not fat.

You're just big-boned.

F*** it.

Come on, then.

- Shut up and get over there.

- All right, mate. Calm down.

Roy, did you get him?

- Who's this guy?

- Everything's under control, Sonia.

Can I see your ticket, please, sir?

What?

Your ticket, mate.

No.

I need to see your ticket.

Is that all you want?

The f***ing ticket?

I've got a f***ing ticket!

Thank you, sir.

F***! F***!

- Nice one. I love working with you.

- F***!

Dad! Dad!

- Come.

- I'm coming.

What 's that?

- I made it myself.

- Marmite?

Mom says this is good for you.

Yeah, well, it is in beer.

Come on, on your toes.

- What 's been happening?

- Mom's a nightmare as usual.

She fancies Leonardo Di Caprio now.

- Why is that then?

- Cause he's so posh.

- I don't drink tea anymore, dad.

- What do you mean with that?

Mom says I'd always want some of

yours when you got back from work.

You did?

I'd follow you about and make

you put some in my plastic cup.

- Yeah, you did.

- I think it 's bitter.

Yeah, it is.

No, don't f*** about.

- What 's your mom doing today?

- She's in bed.

- All day?

- Sometimes.

- You had a wash?

- 0f course.

Come.

- I don't want you going back mucky.

- I always get back mucky.

Mind that tire.

- Di Caprio is a bit young for her.

- She likes them young.

0h, I see.

Race you upstairs. Lively!

I'm tracing your footsteps.

Hold on, hold on.

You should pack up smoking, mate.

You'll get black lungs.

F*** that.

Look at that.

You must be right. In 1748 that

meant you knew where you were.

That 's to do with lunch, that 's not

to do with time, but with space.

That 's totally different from when

the clock's wrong in Cornwall.

No, no, Gerard was in 1198. That

was completely different then.

That was the first Latin travelogue,

and that was relative.

It 's to do with Einstein, with

numbers. Numbers, you know?

No, there's two of them.

It can't work out.

No, it 's the other way around.

It has to do with numbers,

somewhere. Real numbers.

Real numbers, not fractions.

Go on, my son.

- Hi, mate.

- I'm alright. Nice.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

Excuse me.

- I ain't got nothing.

- No, no, no. Fag.

Fag, tin.

Put the fag in the tin.

F*** me.

- What 's that?

- Swear box, ain't it?

Is it? F*** me.

What do you think you're doing?

- What does it look as if I'm doing?

- Causing a hazard, that 's what.

This is my luggage, I'm taking it.

Be a good man and take the front end.

- Take the trolley down the steps.

- You think you're the Queen Mother?

I'm certainly not your mother.

Now come along.

- It 's got wheels.

- So has a pram!

Come.

All right?

Have you got a hold of this?

Cause we could all fall down!

Would you mind? I think I shall have

to report you to your superior.

No one else would let you do this.

Don't you tell him I let you on.

- Carry on.

- Don't tell where you got on either.

Smother up.

Smother up.

He ain't got you.

Look at the state of you.

I drag you through a bush.

Pick a number one to twenty-four.

Twenty-four.

No, not one or twenty-four.

Something in the middle.

Twenty-three.

You laughing at me?

That is a blinding horse.

I fancy that twenty-five to one.

...becomes the Southern. What?

Yes, that 's right, the Southern.

Not the great Southern, the Southern.

I beg your pardon?

It 's not Brunel. It 's not the great

Western. It does go to Paddington.

It 's not the man with the stoat-pipe

hat. That came later, much later.

We talked about the 1947 conversion.

And that was the important thing...

when they suddenly decided

to take 200 and put it into 400.

Four won't go. Were not talking

fractions, we're talking railways.

0f course that 's a difference.

That 's what made it the difference.

I was necessary, it was sufficient,

but it didn't happen. It 's obvious.

Can't put a gallon into a pint pot.

But you can put a pint into a gallon.

It was only retraced back from the

first time. 0ld hats on new heads.

When they started talking about the

streets, it just had to happen.

- Two parallel lines of steam.

- Wait here.

You can't hide the physical

behind the metaphysical.

Definitions.

But you just can't do that.

That 's what I'm trying to tell you,

but you won't listen.

F***ing hell!

Teddy! Teddy!

It 's all right, son. Teddy!

Teddy!

Come here!

I got you.

It 's all right, it 's all right.

You're all right. All right.

Come on. Daddy's got you.

Come on, I got you.

It 's all right.

It was horrible.

Why did that man jump

under the train, dad?

He didn't jump, he fell.

Someone fell, all right?

That has to do with relativity.

Not... No.

Gerard was the first man to write

a travel book in Latin in 1198.

Bye.

0h, no!

- You don't know the words.

- I don't have to know the words!

Everyone is getting annoyed with us.

Look at them all.

Yeah! What are they looking at?

What are they looking at?

Listen. She wants to get into

the kebab's man's pants.

- You want a chip? Why not?

- I don't like chips.

- So why didn't you tell me that?

- I just wanted "onion rings".

So why didn't you say

you wanted onion rings?

I would've bought you if you made it

clear. You don't make things clear.

The Boardwalk first, then Mickey.

I don't wanna stay there longer.

I don't want you running off for some

bird and I ending up with a pig.

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