Tube Tales Page #3

Last time what was it like?

That pig I ended up with last time.

What was her name? 0h, come on.

She was twice the size of me.

Shauney says I've got the best legs.

Do I got the best legs on the train?

Bit of a flash!

It 's always worse for her. It 's

always like:
"No one has as many...

difficult clients as I do."

And all that thing.

It 's bollocks, cause we all do.

We all have a hard time of it.

But she makes such a meal of it.

Have you clocked him down there?

He's got a pair like my gramps.

- Clock Madonna.

- 0h, gosh.

I've gone all squeaky!

- Will you stop it?

- She's doing my head in. Stop her.

- Do something. Tell her to stop.

- What do you want me to do?

Just tell her...

Daddy.

- Daddy.

- God, I'm bursting for the toilet.

Does anyone mind if I have

a wee on the train?

- Gonna wet my knickers.

- Shut up!

- What is he doing?

- Cutting the peak off his hat.

- Just tell him to stop it.

- It 's a regular freak show.

What 's going on there?

Look, look, sign language.

Do you reckon

they understand that?

Why is it whenever you talk about

sex the whole train goes quiet?

What 's wrong with sex?

Don't you have sex?

- Come on, have a chip. Go on!

- No, I don't want one!

Calm down, girls.

We're just being true.

- Look what you've done!

- I'm all dirty. What 's your problem?

- You dirty f***ing sod!

- You grabbed one of his breasts.

- Yeah, you popped one.

- I'm really sorry. It was her, okay?

- Why were you giving her the box?

- Cause she was being sick.

- Better have sick or chips on you?

- You threw chips on me. Use the floor.

Jesus Christ!

You disgusting cow!

- Sorry.

- It 's disgusting!

What?

What would you do?

What did you want me to do?

- You should've said something.

- What? What did you want me to say?

- Like "Don't be sick on my girl".

- Lf she was sick on me, you'd say?

"Don't be sick on my fellow".

She just went sick on me. You were

sitting there. You're my boyfriend.

- These trousers were brand new.

- You're not the only one, you know?

Your trousers don't matter. I paid

for mine. Your mom pays for yours.

- What are you trying to say?

- Your mom buys yours, I pay for mine.

Will you please shut up?

- How's things at work?

- Passed me over again, didn't he?

- 5 years in the job, I ain't moved.

- What are you going to do?

Well, I'm going to go into

his office tomorrow...

and tell him to have a serious

rethink about this job thing.

- 0r else I'm gonna walk.

- That 's the thing about life.

You never ever let anyone mug you

off. I was in a similar situation.

I thought I was going mad.

0h, dear.

Never had such a shock in my life.

I think I'm okay.

- Do you think he's dead?

- Can't be sure. Pick it up and look.

- I won't pick it up. It 's dirty.

- It 's a bird. Ain't gonna hurt you.

You pick it up.

In 30 secs we'll be in a station.

Those doors are going to open...

there will be people all over.

Someone might step on that bird.

- Excuse me.

- You silly old...

- I don't know.

- We can't see it.

Hey, go steady, fellow!

If you haven't got a valid ticket,

you're liable to a10 pound charge.

You haven't got a valid ticket,

have you, ma'am? Have you?

If so, you'll pay now or I want

to see ID so we can send you a bill.

I'm not going to let you through.

Ask yourself if you want to stay here

all day. I'm here all day anyway.

- Go on, let her through.

- Excuse me, ma'am.

Do yourself a favor. Put your hat

on straight and smarten yourself up.

Two words:
"thin ice".

All right, mate, through you go.

0ff you go. Mind the stairs.

Now, where was I?

Does your mommy know

where you are?

Heavens, what 's wrong with you?

Look what you've done to my skirt!

Hang on. My baby!

Wait, stop! Stop the train!

Stop the train! Stop the train!

Rosebud!

What if somebody takes her?

Come on, Mr. H.

What if someone

offers her sweets or...

drags her off or takes her away?

Hurry up! Would someone just...

would someone hurry up the train?

Move, move, move, move!

Please.

Rosebud!

Have you seen my little girl?

Have you seen...

Have you seen my little girl?

She's small and dressed in red.

Have you seen my girl? She's under

7. She's never been alone before.

Rosebud!

- She's my only child.

- I'm a only child. Used to bother me.

- Mind the gap. Has she got money?

- 0f course not! She's 7 years old!

Mind the gap, mind the gap.

Party over. Can't you read that?

Clear off.

Filth.

She's wearing red shiny shoes,

white woolen tights...

red velvet cuffs,

her hair in plaits...

and she's got Mr. H. With her.

- So she's not alone.

- What do you mean? Look, this is...

This is her and that 's Mr. H.

She takes him with her...

Does your mommy

know where you are?

- Bet you can't do a loop-the-loop.

- Do you mean around the world?

I can do a walk on the wild side.

Anything else?

- And the time warp.

- Oh, that's very good.

Are you my fairy godmother?

- No. Mate, f*** off!

- Tell you what:
This one's on me.

- I said f*** off. Hey!

- Excuse me.

Get the f*** off me!

Go!

No!

Michael.

You scared me.

Are you all right?

Let 's go.

- Come on.

- Wait!

Come on!

Down here.

- Come on, open it.

- It 's locked.

Yes!

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

My God, look at the f***ing money!

- Are you okay?

- Yeah. You?

- It 's covered in dye!

- Sh*t, we can't use this.

- Look at you.

- Look at you.

- I got it in my tongue?

- You've got it all over your tongue.

Look how much money there is.

How are we going to get this off?

We can sweat it off. Come here.

Wait. Wait.

Come on, we've got enough.

- Come on.

- Lord, Lord, not me, Lord.

I have sinned.

I have grown weary...

in the ways of the world.

I'm beyond the reach...

of your eternal grace.

Not me.

Not me, Lord.

But I ask you.

If not you, then who?

Who else...

but you?

You say you have sinned.

Friends, he knows it. You say:

"How can He know

in my heart of hearts...

what I have wished for...

what I have desired?

How can He know

the terrible depth...

of my disgrace?"

You think He doesn't?

- No, no.

- Good God, my friends.

Do you think He does not know it?

He has carved your name

on the palm of His hand.

He has numbered the hairs

on your head.

He knows the secret

of your inner heart and still...

an still He holds out His hand...

to you, to any here

who are thinking:

"No, not me".

- "His grace was not meant for me".

- Here you are. Are you sure?

I say to you:
None but you.

None but you, my friends.

- Though your sins are...

- Sorry.

...as black as the grave.

He died for you,

and you are saved!

Are you an angel?

He died for you...

- Jesus.

...and me, my friend.

Here you are, mate.

Wash my feet.

Go on, wash that...

No, stop.

All right, mate!

Sorry, did I hurt you?

I didn't mean to kick you.

Sorry, I'm a bit pissed.

Are you all right?

Sorry, are you all right?

Here.

Score. Here you have it.

Twenty pounds.

What 's he doing?

He'll live.

- Come on.

- Come, mate.

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