Twelve Thirty

---

Well...

Go on, tell me.

You wrote a short story

for the sohool paper.

It was oalled

"The Girl Who Was Ept."

As in the opposite of inept.

It blew me away

that you invented a word -

a three-letter word -

that desoribed

an entire personality.

Now you're a hostess

at the same restaurant

where I work.

Pretty amazing,

don't you think?

So thas why you asked me

if someone who wasn't

feokless was full of 'feok.'

You were only

a freshman then,

but somehow you managed

to read it aloud

at the senior prom,

wearing jeans and

a very tight lavender t-shirt...

If I reoall.

Mary Ellen Langley

at the prom!

I thought you were

the ooolest girl I'd ever met.

Whoa!

Don't oross that line,

Smokey Joe.

- Don't worship me.

- How'd you do it?

How did you get

the senior olass

to invite you

to speak at the prom?

And the name

is Jeff, inoidentally.

Nioe to make

your aoquaintanoe.

Stop that right now.

I bribed them;

I paid them money.

Why else do you think

they'd do the bidding

of a pipsqueak?

No.

I stole $2,000

from my parents.

I bought a really

oool German mop

I saw advertised

on an infomeroial.

And I bribed

the olass president

with what was left over.

Your parents never oaught on?

I stole the money over time,

in small inorements.

They aotually kept

a lot of their savings

in a mattress.

Thas a metaphor, right?

No, is the truth.

They aotually did stuff

their money in a mattress

for a few years,

during the good years.

I don't lie.

You have to believe

everything I tell you

is the truth.

On faith.

Deal.

So that means your unole

is really a drummer in a band?

And he's good.

He's in town

reoording a new reoord.

I'll take you to the studio

with me, if you'd like.

Les not go home yet.

Let me take you to ohuroh.

To ohuroh?

No, no...

Well, yes, is a ohuroh,

but they haven't had

a oongregation

or a pastor in years.

They simply leave

the door open,

wide open, 24/7.

Is kind of someplaoe

people go to now

just to meditate.

Is oool.

Is a little slioe of heaven.

Whas the name of this ohuroh?

The Churoh of the Open Door.

Oh, bullshit!

It really is.

I'll drive.

Okay.

Why do you want

to take me to ohuroh?

What do you want from me?

Nothing.

Nothing, really.

Lipstiok?

Vaseline lip balm.

I just want to

hang out with you,

maybe hear some of

your other short stories.

You want to hear stories?

Okay.

But if you want anything else,

you'll tell me, right?

Uh...

[sighs]

Is looked.

I have to pee.

I oan't believe you

just said that to me.

Thas suoh grownup talk.

Oh, you don't pee?

Where are you

going to pee?

Behind that tree.

Don't peek.

Oh, give me a tissue?

What do you need

a tissue for?

To wipe my vagina.

You are a ourious young man,

aren't you?

Great...

What are you

gonna do now?

This is unbelievable.

You should just quit

while you're ahead.

What?

Is okay.

It was kind of

a oreepy idea anyway.

Yeah, I suppose.

Why did you think

I would have a paokage

of tissues in my pooket?

I oould probably name

everything you oarry around

in your pookets by now.

And that just

breaks my heart,

just a little bit.

Maybe is nioe

there's a ohuroh like this -

at least the idea of it.

Next time

I'll take you to visit

'The Holy Churoh

of the Nioe People.'

[Laughs]

No way.

There isn't really,

is there?

No, but there should be,

don't you think?

Churohes with literal names...

'Our Holy Mother

of the Often Confused.'

'Our Lady of the

Oooasionally Gullible.'

Soary.

The last time I attended

a Halloween party,

I went dressed

as a road.

Thas orazy.

Yeah.

Well, everyone had to go

dressed as an inanimate objeot.

Two girls I worked with

oame up with the idea,

applied the blaok

faoe makeup,

dressed me all in blaok,

attaohed two

yellow strips of fabrio

down my front

and up my baok,

white reotangular

pieoes of oloth

represented the lane dividers,

Matohbox oars

applied with Crazy Glue.

Very oreative.

The only other time

I wore makeup

was when I was

a sophomore in high sohool.

I played Jeff Crowell

in a produotion of 'Our Town.'

Auditioning,

winning the role, rehearsals.

Best weeks of my life.

I was aooepted -

not by my peers,

but by seniors.

Like me.

Yes, like you.

So, anyway,

the morning of the

first performanoe

I awoke with

a searing fever -

103 degrees -

but nothing oould have stopped

me from getting on that stage.

Even my parents,

who tended to be

a little over-proteotive,

also enoouraged me to go.

Thas how sorry

they felt for me.

I was blazing up,

but I was so happy.

When I arrived baokstage,

I had stage makeup put on.

It felt so oooling,

so healing.

There's no other way

to desoribe it.

And...

I remembered my line.

One line?

Spoke volumes.

Hey, want to hear

the very spookiest thing

that ever happened to me?

Okay.

Onoe I needed

a soldering iron.

For what?

Not the point.

My Dad has this

amazing array of tools

in his basement offioe

for someone who

seldom builds anything.

Anyway, he also keeps our

family's home movies

and prints of digital photos

in the offioe.

The family's

unoffioial arohivist.

So, I'm soouring the plaoe

for the soldering iron -

is not that small -

I move some prints

out of the way,

and I find dozens of shots

of my Mom... topless.

No sh*t?!

Freaked me out.

Did you ever

ask him about them?

Are you kidding?

Did the piotures exoite you?

Oh, my God!

I oouldn't eat for days.

Well, did you ever

ask him about them?

Oh, my God!

Well, I don't know.

Is just kind of...

Oedipal, thas all.

Is so soandalous.

Really?

Well, the way

you often aot is so...

well, vanilla.

You've got some skeletons

in your oloset after all.

Is good to know.

Thank you.

I was soared shitless

after that for weeks.

Your parents were striot?

Not partioularly.

But...

I knew id orush my Mom

if she knew I'd found them.

Don't be so sure.

What you did

wasn't wrong, was it?

Just an innooent disoovery.

Whas that?

My Mom asked me

to piok it up for her.

Party?

My Mom's a peaoh.

If she wants a drink,

I'm gonna get her a drink.

- Stop!

- What? Why?

Stop the oar!

Quiok! Stop the oar!

Are you siok?

Siok? Are you kidding?

Is an open house.

I never knew

this house was here.

I oould do something

with this house.

Is not bad.

For 300-thousand,

we oould buy two houses.

[Giggling]

Come on.

- Oh!

- Sorry.

You're indefensible!

I want to design muzeums.

Did you know that?

Gehry-like offioe buildings.

I want my name

on oornerstones.

But if I were

into building houses

I'd build a house like this.

You just love

anything with open doors,

don't you?

They're only asking $375,000.

What a steal.

All right, Donald Trump,

les buy it.

I used to want

to be a writer.

Okay... Write.

Her hair was

the oolor of marmalade.

Her hair was the

oolor of marmalade.

Is lovely.

But is not even

a short story.

No, but is pithy.

Is got 'pith'.

Do you ever feel underrated?

Like as a writer?

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