Two For The Money Page #5

of our clients is that they're all in a hole.

The second they pick up the phone

you got 'em.

I'll tell you once. Green Bay Dallas

Cleveland. 100000 across the board.

Get to the point you're above them.

Let 'em know it. Let 'em feel it.

More John Anthony.

Amir.

- What's your favorite drink my man?

- Favorite drink?

I don't know.

- Pia colada.

- Whoa.

Tomorrow we gotta get you a new drink

but today here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go down to your bookie

and lay 20 large on Texas.

Then you'll go home

put on your favorite Hawaiian shirt

and you'll sit back

twirl your little umbrella

after you've made that rum concoction

with the orange slice and the cherry

and you'll watch Texas

rip those Okies a new a**hole.

And after you win the 20 grand,

you're gonna call me back

and you're gonna tell me,

"Thank you, sir. May I have another?"

McNeil lost his dog last week

to a hunting accident.

You don't mess with a man

who just lost his dog.

Western Union me ten thou

and let's ride this wave into Sunday.

Denny boy!

I've got something good for this weekend.

Green Bay against Minnesota. I want

you to lay $500 on the Cheeseheads.

Let Stu in on that too

and take care of Mama. Talk to you later.

Tammy who's on four?

Forget the other games you wanted to bet.

Let's throw that 4000 on this 1000

and make it five

take it money line and turn it into 12000.

John Anthony here.

Hello, everybody,

and welcome to "Football Tonight. "

...ten-yard

line, he passes and that's a blind throw...

He's in the end zone!

- Touchdown!

- Yes!

Good ball game.

OK. No that sounds good.

Actually you know what? Monday...

Go Daddy go! Can't you go any faster?

Hey! Ten and two pro football?

I definitely want to be there with him.

Put it on a plate.

Oh my God. Thank you. You saved my life.

That is beautiful.

What... What's going on?

Walter's doctor - this is good news -

finally put him on an exercise program.

I want to be there the first time

to make sure the trainer understands

his aversion to consistency. Excuse me.

- Aversion to consistency?

- Mm-hm.

That's Walter. He's always been that way.

- Well that's consistent.

- Well that's true.

You are cute. Take a bite.

Tell me what you think.

Life is f***ing good.

So... let's talk about making it better.

Uh-oh. Duck Brandon. Here it comes.

I'm thinking of putting

John Anthony on TV this week.

If you do this from here on out

you're gonna have to eat sleep

drink breathe

talk walk and fart John Anthony.

That's the way it is.

There's no holding back.

You gotta be it

completely or it doesn't work.

That's right and just think it over.

Don't decide now.

It's the only move.

If it means I've gotta act that's cool.

No. No acting. This is living.

You didn't hear me.

From here on out

Brandon Lang and his fettuccine knee

and his self-f***ing-pity

is as flat dead as Donald Trump's hair.

And John "I Can Walk On F***ing Water"

Anthony has taken his place.

Now listen

to what he's asking you Brandon.

I'm gonna build an empire around you.

It's gonna cost me.

- You understand what I'm saying?

- Hell yeah I understand.

I'm John f***ing Anthony.

I've got a crystal ball.

I am sitting on top of the world,

just rolling along

OK John Anthony breathes.

Now we gotta get a walk and talk.

I'm just asking.

I'm looking for a car

for my friend here.

- Let's see. What's his name?

- John Anthony.

- Mr. Anthony.

- Yes sir.

- Do you have any credit?

- No.

Of course not. I don't know Wally

can you trust him?

With my wife.

- Naked.

- Well in that case the floor is yours.

Glory, hallelujah,

I just phoned the parson

Hey, Pa, get ready to call

Just like Humpty Dumpty

I'm about to fall

- Hey what's "900 King"?

- That's me. John Anthony.

- I don't lose.

- Thank you.

I want you to meet Mr. Miracle

John Anthony. There he is.

It's never ever gonna go down.

Give me all you got.

Singing a song

I'm ready. I'm ready.

A star is born today. How you doing?

- Scared shitless.

- You're sweating.

You'll be all right. Don't worry. You've got

the script. Read off the TelePrompTer.

You've been here before kid.

- Remember football?

- No this is different.

- How's this different?

- No opponent.

- Then you're a lock to win.

- Walter we're ready.

You'll be OK.

Remember stay with the script.

- That's a lifetime.

- For you boss. This is for you.

Tony, you good?

OK, everybody, we're gonna go.

- We back?

- Places.

- John Anthony huh?

- Yep.

All's I see is another wannabe

in a thousand-dollar suit.

Word to the wise

keep the suit you came in with.

All right Jethro? Good luck to you.

In five four...

- I'll do that.

... three two...

Welcome to this week's Sports Advisors,

America's premier sports-information

program with myself Walter Abrams

Jerry Sykes Chuck Adler

and a truly gifted newcomer

to the Sports Advisorpanel.

I want you to meet him a substantial find

and his name is John Anthony.

OK we're entering week six

in professional football.

This is when the cream rises to the top.

This is when things get hot.

This is oven-mitt time. Am I right?

This is big-time ball season.

So let's get right into it with the wizard

of odds Jerry "The Source" Sykes. Jerry.

Stats records rankings weather

if the goalpost is tilted just a little bit...

The SYKES system

uses 42 proven indexes

to eliminate

the guesswork in sports wagering.

Without my patented

computer-based picks

you got a better shot of having God

show up at your door with nine strippers

a bag of pure Bolivian cocaine

enough Viagra

to make Chuck's head blow off

than picking these things on your own.

You call me absolutely free. I got five

picks this weekend that are incredible.

How many gamblers did I bail out

last weekend with my game of the year?

A 100-dollar bettor made $10000.

A 500-dollar bettor made $50000.

Well I got six games on Sunday

that I'm releasing absolutely free.

These games are a burial

a blowout a human lock.

You can bet your children's unborn

children's children on these six games

absolutely free!

Whoa whoa I believe I believe!

I believe you're trying to make me deaf.

I've never seen a color on a man like that.

Would you say that's chartreuse?

So Saturday comes before Sunday and

looking at Saturday's college match-ups

is the last but certainly not least

member of the sports advisors.

- And here he is Mr. John Anthony.

- Thank you Walter.

This is John Anthony the million-dollar

man with the billion-dollar plan.

Wall Street to Tokyo to Hollywood

all your big money

is gonna stay and play with me.

That's right. That's why

they call me the million-dollar man.

The million-dollar man the million-dollar

man the million-dollar man.

I can't say that man.

- Uh...

- No no.

Somebody wrote

some very clever stuff for me here

like the million-dollar man.

So let's just call me John.

I played quarterback division one.

Every QB knows that the secret

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