Two for the Seesaw Page #2

---

I'm not sure. It bother you talking

about marriage and divorce?

Oh, no.

I was thinking about something else.

How to decide whether

we really want to see a show?

- Cross-examine us, you're the lawyer.

- Please, this is more exotic.

Watch, you have to be a bat

to find your way around.

Some of my best friends are bats.

I'm not entirely stable myself.

- (crash)

- So why didn't you listen?

lt'd make no difference.

Over 60% of accidents occur in the home.

Not including ruptured marriages.

Be safe, be homeless.

Getting run over in the street's better.

Coke, beer or seltzer?

- You?

- Warm milk.

Warm milk? I may be too old for you.

I'll have a sophisticated Coke.

It's got caffeine,

I'll give you a beer, it's more relaxing.

Don't be a nurse. Sorry. I spent twelve

years being treated like a patient.

I was worried about,

coddled, humoured.

- Your wife?

- A great little caretaker called Tess.

I've been cared for till I'm in shreds.

- Coke. Leave the chips to fall.

- OK. You don't sleep so you won't sleep.

Make it a beer.

Let's start all over, Jerry. Coke or beer?

Warm milk. If I'm relaxing,

there's no point in being casual about it.

- What bed you got, you don't sleep?

- A cot from the Salvation Army for $8.

No wonder. Feel that.

Go on, take a feel.

You know what I paid

for the mattress? 59 bucks.

I'd never be without a good bed.

You're in it a third of your life.

- You must lead a very straight-laced life.

- OK. Half.

You get a good bed,

you'll stop walking so much.

Until I stop walking, I can't afford

to make my bedbugs comfortable.

- Vicious circle.

- Bedbugs?!

Among other things, yeah.

Lawyer or no lawyer,

you're not working, Jerry?

Getting unstuck from a piece

of flypaper can be very hard work.

No, no.

I know why I'm drinking this.

Why are you?

- I got an ulcer, in the duodenum.

- Serious?

I thought ulcers in women

went out with the vapours.

Isn't that a man's disease nowadays?

- Well, I got it.

- Which are you, by the way?

The old-fashioned type or the manly,

same rules for me as for you?

Why? What's the difference?

It might influence whether

I drink this and go or stay all night.

You don't exactly lead up to things,

do you?

Who's Mr America? Is that your ex?

Wally wasn't around long enough to snap

a picture. That's Larry, my partner.

Somehow there's less of you here.

Well, ulcers you put on weight.

Supposed to eat six meals a day.

The last haemorrhage, I'd put on 18lbs!

- The last?

- I hope. I've got just so much blood.

- How many have you had?

- Two.

When I never looked healthier, they

operated on me for something different!

Appendicitis. No kidding,

I'm a physical wreck, practically.

Your physique, wrecked though it may be.

That's what's wrong with me.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing wrong with me except

of course our problem.

- Make up our minds.

- About what?

Am I staying over? I appreciate

the invitation but I don't think I'll insist.

I don't get it, Jerry.

First, you can't decide whether to eat

with me, then it's into bed. How come?

Just testing. How will I know

what to think till I hear what I say?

Is that the way you decide everything,

in your head?

It saves a lot of false moves.

How do you decide things?

Not in my head. A couple of false moves

might get you further.

Let's not rush. Let's examine

what we'd be getting into.

Who said yes yet? Is this some new line,

supposed to be putting me in the mood?

- You mean it's not?

- Oh, boy!

All right, try a more conventional

approach, a little soft music.

- Something I've missed.

- (soft music)

- You haven't got a radio, even?

- I haven't got a television set either.

But everybody's got a radio.

You can get a radio for 19.95.

- Jerry, are you broke?

- Why do you ask?

You're a long way from home,

you're not working.

Know anybody you can borrow from?

Only you.

(radio:
up-beat band music)

How much do you need?

You're a very generous girl, Gittel.

Too generous.

You can get bit, feeding stray wolves.

- But you're broke.

- You said that.

Last year I made $30,000.

I got 18 bucks to last me the month,

I'm helping you!

- I'd say you were a born victim.

- Of what?

- Yourself.

- I feel sorry for you. What's so terrible?

- You feel sorry for me?

- Sure.

- Gittel, how old are you?

- 29.

Stop talking like 28.

Start worrying about your own worries.

Things aren't good. A little here and there,

the rest unemployment insurance.

- I got several plans!

- Plans?

This Larry and me,

we're working up a dance recital.

I'm looking for a cheap loft

for a studio for classes...

Why so sore?

'Cause I feel sorry for ya?

I don't think I can afford you.

I'm not ready for a whole human,

complete with weaknesses...

- Who asked ya? Who made an offer?

- I did, but I take it back.

I'm neither ready nor able to be

responsible for anything these days.

Least of all an ingenuous nitwit.

That's why I'm sore. Disappointment.

- What does ingenuous mean? Smart?

- Dumb. Naive.

Oh, I had my own room

in the Village at sixteen!

What to do? To play potsy?

- Be scared for your own reasons.

- So you're a woman of wide experience?

Well, wide is another story.

Do you sleep with Mr America?

Larry? I told you, he's a dancer.

We're good friends and all that

but do you think I'm peculiar?

- Hey, are you?

- Am I what?

Queer.

(he sighs deeply)

Now you've gone too far.

- How long have you been on the wagon?

- A year.

Where you been, in jail?

Let's not get all worked up.

Have a cookie and calm down,

then you'd better go.

Go? Was that the wrong false move?

No, Jerry.

I've an ironclad rule. I wouldn't sleep with

Christopher Columbus on the first date.

You want me to be promiscuous?

Besides, this routine

you've been giving me,

you couldn't have planned it better

to be turned down.

You're testing, how do you like that?

You know who you're testing? Not me.

You wanna find out how you feel.

That's a make?

Why should I sleep with you?

A health cure?

I don't even know what's eating you.

You've my whole life story -

and you, no news at all.

The news is sparse but here it is.

I'd a job, house, marriage and a life.

They all went sour.

Now for the shining present.

I live in a cell costing $31 a month,

hall's full of garbage.

I awake gassed if I don't throw myself

off a bridge the night before.

- I can't afford 19.95 for a radio!

- Sh!

That 30 grand, you said that to show off?

I didn't want to take candy

from a baby. I came east with $500.

I'm trying to live on 3.50 a day.

You spent 16.80 tonight!

- I splurged. My birthday.

- Birthday?

Also, I bought a dollar cigar.

You bought your own birthday present?

- Why didn't you tell me, Jerry?

- Why?

- You'd have given me one?

- Sure.

Thanks, but I'm not hinting for handouts

from lovable crackpot waifs.

Don't say "Go" when signalling "Come".

It's not ladylike.

You haven't been hinting for handouts?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes