Two for the Seesaw Page #3

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- What?

- You've done it all night.

- Those hints, unhappy, bedbugs, broke.

- Unhappy bedbugs?

Unhappy. Bedbugs. Like if I don't sleep

with you, they'll find you dead.

- Wait, who said that?

- You did.

With the garbage or off a bridge, you're

so lonely. That's the last thing you said.

That might have been campaign oratory,

an approach,

but I haven't done that all night.

First thing you said was "Help me",

on the telephone!

- No. I said I wouldn't say...

- You said "Help me"! I said "Sure"!

I'm not complaining but why

call me names, you want it both ways?

Hey, I say something

to hurt your feelings?

I was griped. I wanted to get back at you.

It's natural.

No, it's just that you're right,

the point you made.

- What point?

- That I ask for handouts.

I never saw it before but it happened

tonight, right under my very nose.

- And if I do...

- Where are you going now?

Back to solitary. There I go again.

If you hate that joint so much

that you don't wanna go back, stay.

I got a couch. You take the bed.

- Stay?

- A good night's sleep, you'll feel better.

OK? Settled.

You mind my sheets?

They're clean and I had a bath.

- No, Gittel, only...

- Only what? You got a lousy bed.

Tomorrow you get some kerosene

and see where they come out of the wall.

Gittel, you're a very sweet girl.

Well... you're a very sweet girl, too.

The john's right over there.

- Get a good night's sleep, you'll...

- Feel better in the morning.

- Gittel.

- What? Still stewing? I've moved already.

After what we talked about, handouts,

don't you think it's weak of me?

What, on your birthday?

Pillow. Pardon me.

- Should I stay, really?

- Don't nudja me. You wanna stay?

So stay.

What the hell! Happy birthday!

You should be in bed, a man of your age!

(phone)

That icebox, you shouldn't have

given it away for nothing.

- Keep on like that and you're gonna...

- Hey, Jerry!

Are you OK?

Fine. Tried a new bridge, the Queensboro.

- Gittel, I walked out on ya.

- Yeah, I noticed.

- Why change your ironclad rule?

- Huh?

Oh, I couldn't resist your dopey hat.

Sure it was just that and not charity?

I was smothered in charity once,

but not again.

- Is that why you took off?

- Partly.

Yeah. I was worried about ya and I called

two or three times but no answer.

I walked out on you and you still call?

- Two times.

- Gittel.

Gittel, you need taking care of,

you don't look after yourself.

- You'd object more.

- To what?

Like now. Why aren't you taking

my head off about the time?

- Why, what time is it?

- After five.

- It takes practise. Go ahead.

- Go ahead, what?

Object! Holler! Who am I to call

at this hour! If you resent it, say.

- Why are you hollering?

- For your own good.

I don't like to holler,

it makes me nervous.

- Besides, I'm glad you phoned.

- Why?

What makes you so dumb?

I was worried about ya!

Better. All you need is practise. Go ahead.

Who's practising? You think I'm nuts?

Look at the time!

You call after 5am to practise hollering?

No. I called to tell you

that you're a wonderful girl.

- Don't give anything away till I see you.

- Huh?

Seems I am on the market

for a whole human being after all.

Your whole human being,

with ulcers, no appendix and all.

Ooh, it must be some bridge,

that Queensboro!

Yeah, the view was great.

That birthday candle you lit under me

cast a light all the way to Omaha.

- Omaha, Nevada.

- Where you got smothered with charity?

Swallowed up till I didn't have a friend

or an ashtray to call my own.

No matter how lovingly it's done,

it still isn't calculated

to make a man feel...

well, manly, let's say.

Jerry, just so I'll understand all this, talk

down to me a little bit. Like A, B, C, OK?

OK. I met Tess in my last year in college.

Her father Lucius,

the blowhard of all time,

was so rich that he didn't care

that I wasn't. Clear?

- Yeah, yeah, go on.

- OK.

Between them, they took me over.

A law scholarship was wangled for me,

I was accepted into the family law firm.

Lucius even built the house

Tess and I lived in.

A very grand house. A very plush kennel

for an unpedigree pup.

And there you are.

What'd you see when you looked

back with the candle?

That I had asked for it.

It wasn't done to me. I could have hollered

stop or walked out, but I didn't.

Half of my life's been a handout

I asked for.

Seeing that, I finally walked out

on one tonight. From you.

It just wasn't a good enough

beginning for us.

You know something, Jerry? A person

could get pretty confused talking to you.

Have breakfast with me

and I'll try and unconfuse you?

Sure. I'm having a tooth pulled at nine

so make it after.

I'll probably be spitting

a lot of blood, so...

I mean... we won't be able to do anything.

Why don't I come to the dentist with you?

- What for?

- 'Cause I want to.

See you in a while.

What do you do when a tooth bleeds?

- You got one?

- I'm talking about you.

Huh? Oh, let it bleed, it dries up.

- Why?

- Never mind.

- Gittel.

- Yeah.

Is he pretty good, this Dr Kruger?

He's a cotton pusher.

He drills, pushes in cotton,

five bucks, back next week.

Next week, more cotton, five bucks,

come back next week.

You go on like that till you get mad,

then first he fills the tooth.

Why come to the Bronx to see him?

He's Mama's dentist,

who else should I go to?

It wouldn't hurt, huh?

- Hiya, Gittel.

- Hi.

Come on in, Mr Molinari.

You wanna go in ahead of me?

I'm in no hurry.

- I'm in no hurry either, thanks.

- Oh.

Jerry, this lousy tooth hasn't been

bothering me for two days now.

It's been through a lot.

I'll hold on to it. Let's go.

Front Street, in the Village.

2.98 for an icebag, a taxi downtown,

I'm costing you a fortune.

Well, I'm about to make a fortune.

You gonna go back to that bridge

and hold somebody up?

Going to see a man about a job.

Taubman. Big wheel in law circles.

- When?

- Soon as I get you bedded down.

With the icepack... temporarily.

(knocking)

Oh, for Pete's sake, you're such a square.

Why didn't you get me candy

in a satin heart box?

They don't have them

till Valentine's Day.

- Well, I'll wait.

- Ah, Gittel...

You wait. I have to put these into water.

With what these cost ya,

I hope you got the job.

- I go to work for him tomorrow.

- Gonna be a lawyer again, eh?

I can't be a lawyer here

till I pass the exams.

- I'm gonna do briefs for him.

- What does that mean?

Researching a case for precedent.

When one kook sues another kook and

the judge can't decide which is kookier,

they go back to the case

in another court in 1890.

Come on inside.

- I liked it better without sleeves.

- OK, on yours I'll leave off the sleeves.

- So is it fun doing briefs?

- It pays well.

To be two halves of an apple,

you and I...

- Somebody putting the bite on ya?

- No, but girls are expensive.

Flowers, icebags... How's your tooth?

- Fine.

- And renting lofts for them to dance in.

- You're renting me a loft already?

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