Two for the Seesaw Page #4

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- Why not?

I want you to use me.

- Will you stop walking up and down?

- I'm nervous.

So am I, but this walking around

isn't helping us any.

I was just waiting to be stopped.

Like something died here, the smell!

From the furs, that's all.

Open a window, it wouldn't smell.

- Can I try one now?

- Help yourself.

If you want my candid opinion,

this is an A-1 loft.

(traffic sounds)

This is the first that's bigger than a closet,

smaller than a bowling alley.

The floor's gotta be sanded down

to dance but otherwise perfect.

- Mr Jacoby?

- Yes.

How would you

put the place in condition?

I wouldn't lift a finger.

$60 a month, three months in advance.

- If you want something done, do.

- $60 a month!

- For a place without a john, even!

- A who?

- A bathroom.

- A toilet!

One flight down, end of the hall,

clean, paper towels.

Say, what do you wanna do, live here?

You want a terlet? This is not

an apartment. Nobody lives here.

- I don't rent to beatniks!

- Don't get in an uproar!

I wanna make a dance studio,

rent it out a few days for classes.

- Kids?!

- Possibly, yes. Why?

You gonna have kids, I wanna statement.

Anything they damage, you pay.

Huh! What could they damage?

It's so beautiful here!

They'll find.

My dear young people,

I've got a garment business downstairs.

Why don't you discuss amongst

yourselves, come to a decision?

If you wanna take it, fine.

If not, go in good health.

But one way or the other, you'll kindly

bring down the key. Thank you.

Darn it! 60 bucks a month!

Calm down, you'll wake up your ulcers.

We've seen over a hundred lofts

in the past five weeks.

- You know this is it.

- But $60!

I make more than twice that in a week.

- So I'm supposed to be a leech?

- Do me a favour, be a leech.

- Let's look at more.

- Honey, I can't.

- Taubman wants to see me at 5.

- You're gonna get canned?

Won't you be happy

till you're supporting me?

Don't be such a wise guy.

I'll look at some more,

you go see what's with Taubman,

and at dinner, we'll talk

it over nice and calm.

OK. All except the nice and calm part.

My dear young man,

in this loft, nobody lives!

- That should do it. Sit down.

- Thank you.

It's ridiculous a man

of your ability clerking.

Why not take the state Bar exams?

That'd be a cram job.

I haven't been to school for ages.

Bypass all that,

get admitted to the Bar on motion.

- I'll sponsor you.

- That's extremely kind of you.

You need affidavits from prominent

Nebraska attorneys.

The head of your old firm

could manage it.

If I could ask him. He's about

to become my ex father-in-law.

Think it over. We'd like to have you.

- Just to be sordid, how much?

- I'm prepared to offer you 10,000 a year.

Well, I'm prepared not to accept that.

If I'm useful enough to be around full-time,

I should be worth 12.5.

It'd take 14 to nail me

so we should be talking around 15.

Let's go to the St Regis and have drinks.

- Settle down to serious haggling.

- It's only fair to warn you,

after a couple of drinks my price goes up.

Funny, mine goes down.

- Hiya, baby, just got...

- Don't move.

Hey, that smells good, what's inside?

Ah, chicken.

And salad on the table and potatoes

and wine on the ice.

A bargain, 59 cents a bottle.

Must be getting kinda old.

- What's so funny?

- You are.

- I wanted to tell you...

- Hey, curtains!

You think I come here

just to see you (?)

Wait a second. Better with candles.

Cosy, huh?

Wonderful. You're turning this

into the showplace of the nation.

- What's in the bag?

- Everything's in the bag.

- That wire stuff you wanted, Brillo?

- Yes.

Dessert. Soya cake. Salt-free,

butter-free, taste-free.

- Urgh.

- A present. Me to you.

Oh, Jerry, I can't wait to see what's in it.

What's in it?

She opens the package from her lover,

thinking it's candy.

It's a diamond, torn from the eye

of an idol. She shrieks...

- A cake of soap! I need a bath (?)

- Don't you dare.

That's Chanel No. 5. $5 a copy.

We'll eat that spoonful by spoonful.

I think the nutty one of this twosome

some of us think I am is you!

- $5 we're not going to eat.

- Oh, yes, we are.

- Speaking of feasts, how's your stomach?

- I took some Banthine, it went away.

- Not all of it?

- Think I'm too fat?

- Good heavens, no.

- Too skinny?

- You're a sacred vessel of womanhood.

- Sexy as all get-out, huh?

- Well put.

- You think I'm too sexy? Over-sexed?

I think you're kind of a mixed-up vessel.

Calmly considered,

I'd say your bottom was tops.

Some vessel. I sound like a shipwreck!

The chicken'll get burned.

I started to tell you,

you're gonna get a long distance call.

- From whom?

- Your wife.

I talked to her. She asked the operator.

First I felt kinda funny but then I thought,

"She's been married to him for years.

Why shouldn't she call him,

"say, 'Hello, how are you,

what's new"'?

I relaxed and looked

at the chicken, like now.

- (sighs) When did she call?

- Two, three times. She'll try again at 8.

Ye gods, she sure must be loaded.

I only made one long distance call

in my life.

Tallahassee, Florida,

right after we were married.

Wally had a job there.

Said he had a job but it was a redhead.

- I didn't drop dead, I called him...

- I don't want to talk to Tess.

So don't.

I got the bill, that's when I dropped dead.

I just won't answer the phone,

that's the best way.

- You wanna get the wine?

- I certainly do.

- (soothing music)

- We must celebrate.

Wait till I tell you about my session

with Frank Taubman.

(radio off)

What's the matter, honey?

That I won't answer the phone?

It's all finished. Dead and buried.

I want it to stay that way.

Now... let's talk

about something more pleasant.

Did you find a loft

you like better than Jacoby's?

- That's pleasant? No.

- Good. We'll clinch the deal tomorrow.

I'll get a loft when I get a job. Schraffts

is putting on girls, I'll go tomorrow.

- Schraffts? Waiting on tables?

- Whatever they've got.

I worked the candy counter last year,

put on seven pounds.

- Good candy.

- Gittel, that's nonsense.

- What's wrong with Schraffts?

- Their having you. Final. No Schraffts.

The prosecution rests.

Hey, now, this chicken is fabulous.

What makes it taste like gin?

- Gin.

- Fabulous.

I mean you. You can cook, sew, you can...

Why are you eating French fries?

You know they're not good for you.

- How many have you had?

- Three.

That's three too many.

All right, you may have one more.

Here... instead.

I've been reading up on ulcers.

Stick to what you can eat.

Uh-huh.

You know, I've forgotten her voice.

How'd she sound?

What do you mean?

Lovely. She sounded lovely.

You wanna hear? Talk to her.

I don't understand.

You want me to talk to her?

I'm with you, in the Garden of Eden,

Adam and Eve.

Why let the snake in? We had

trouble getting rid of the bedbugs.

All right, Jerry, we're on the subject

of bugs, something's bugging me.

It's all dead and buried, you said. Fine.

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