Two Girls and a Guy Page #3

Did I give you a key?

I did, right? Okay.

I'm just so happy to see you.

I really am.

I mean, these two weeks,

I'd forgotten...

I'd forgotten how beautiful

you are. And I missed you.

Did you miss me as much as I missed

you? How much did you miss me?

I missed you pretty madly,

like a psychotic.

Why do you think I was calling you?

I was calling you 40 times a day.

I don't know.

To check up on me?

What? What kind of

crazy statement is that?

Why do I need to check up on

you? To see what I was up to.

What would you have been up

to? What are you talking about?

What would you suspect

that I would be up to?

Ho. Whoa. This conversation's

getting real strange, okay?

What's going on? What's

going on? Nothing.

Nothing? Then why are you using

a word like "suspect" with me?

Like I would suspect you

ofsomething. And you don't?

No. Suspect you ofwhat?

Anything. No. Nothing.

Why? Why would I? That would imply

that you'd done something wrong.

I don't think you've done anything

wrong. You don't think that?

No. Why would I? I don't think

you've done anything wrong.

What you might think

is wrong for me,

I might think is right,

and vice versa.

- What are you trying to tell me?

- About what?

- About you.

- Nothing.

Did you f*** anybody?

- When?

- When?

- Ever.

- Ever?

Well, yes. I mean, I seem to recall you

and I having shared a little f***ing.

Making love. Come on.

"Making love" Is that

what you wanna call it?

That's what I call it. That's

what it is to me when I'm with you.

That's what we've called it

together. As opposed to what?

As opposed to nothing. What

are you driving at? Come on.

How many girls did you f***

while you were in L. A?

When I was in L.A. That's

the last 2 weeks. None.

None, 'cause I haven't been with

any other women since I was with you.

That's the last 10 months.

You don't have to say that.

I know I don't have to. I'm

saying that because it's true.

We're not married. You're a free

man. You can do whateveryou want.

It's okay ifyou have.

I don't want to. Do you?

No.

Well...

With anyone, you don't want

to? With anyone but you.

Okay, whateveryou say.

Whatever. Whatever.

This has got to be

the most bizarre exchange...

I've ever experienced

in my life.

Did you take acid?

Did you?

Are you... I mean, are you...

This is... I... I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to figure out

some explanation...

for this Jekyll and Hyde

behavior that you're exhibiting.

I'm scared. I don't...

My.

What's this?

This here.

Look. What's this?

It looks like a broken window

and a plant.

Yeah, I know. It is a

plant and a broken window.

The question is, how did

the window get broken?

It looks like the plant

might have done it.

Yeah, but I don't think the plantjust

came through the window on its own.

Did... Did you throw the

plant through the window?

Did you throw this

through the window?

Maybe.

Maybe?

Maybe? Maybe.

Have you gone completely

and utterly out ofyour mind?

I just... Are you glad I

came by to surprise you?

Yeah. I'd have been gladder ifyou met me

at the airport or outside on the street.

I can't believe that you just

threw this plant through the window.

I can't believe you're getting

so upset about this window!

You're more upset about this window

than you are... Than I am about what?

Than about your

protestations offidelity!

They are not protestations.

They are outright denials.

It's beyond desire. It's beyond choice.

It's phallic incapacity.

It's an inoperative shaft.

Lfyou were to put a gun to

my head and say, "F*** her.

She's gorgeous. She needs you.

It's easy. No one will know. "

I'd say, "Pull it. Pull the trigger.

Empty the chamber into my head".

Because that's where it's at with

me. It's not even my dick anymore.

It's attached to me, yeah,

but it belongs to you.

I'll take it a step further. Not only at

this point... because I'm so attached to you...

is every other girl on earth not

exciting to me in the slightest,

every other girl on earth,

to me... It's like a salaman...

It's like something that came

from under a f***ing rock!

It's disgusting to me.

It's like smelling cheese.

It's like...

It makes me f***ing sick.

It disgusts me!

It's like smelling vomit.

Including me?

Wow. Whoa.

This is a shock.

This is a surprise.

Surprise.

Okay, this is a massive,

shattering shock.

But as difficult as it's going to

be for either ofyou to believe me,

there's an absolutely legitimate

explanation. What is it?

He doesn't have an explanation.

Just answer me one question.

In what way am I physically

disgusting to you? In no way.

You just said I was.

When?

When? Thirty seconds ago! You said

every single person except for Carla...

was physically disgusting

to you!

- It was a figure ofspeech. Hyperbole.

- Stop lying, you a**hole.

I'm not lying.

You're not lying?

- I'm not lying.

- Everything you've said to both of us...

- for the past 10 months has been a total,

utter f***ing lie! - Can I say one thing?

This is not self-servingjargon or an

attempt to give myself an out for the moment.

I may have been hiding parts of my life

from both ofyou to avoid causing pain.

- F*** you! - I've never said

anything to either one of you...

- F*** you!

- That I did not wholeheartedly mean.

- F*** you.

- Lfyou actually believe what you just said,

- it's worse than ifyou don't.

- I don't follow that at all.

Oh, big surprise.

Huge, huge surprise.

- You know what shejust meant by that?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I understood perfectly what she meant.

- Go ahead. Explain it to me.

I don't have to tell you anything.

You'rejust lucky...

you don't have a kitchen knife sticking

through your Adam's apple right now!

- Carla. Carla, she's-

- I preferyou not use my name.

- You want me to call you Timmy? - I don't

wanna hearyour voice at all right now.

Oh, absolutely. Excuse me.

I gotta get that.

Hi, Mom.

Mom.

Hi. Uh...

Yeah, it was pretty-

It was good.

I didn't get it,

but I got this other...

this thing in the Catskills

that's gonna be real...

Can I call you back

in 10 minutes? Thanks.

Ten minutes. Okay.

Okay, bye. Bye, Ma.

So there is a third. Third what?

Third girlfriend.

That's absurd.

You used your mother with me

to get free with Carla.

You used your mother with Carla

to get free with me.

Now you're using your mother

with both of us to get free...

- with whoever it is you plan on going out with

tonight. - What? No, you don't understand.

No, no, no. Actually,

we didn't understand.

Now we do understand.

We understand everything.

Everything except why. It would

be better ifyou stopped lying.

You were caught. Wait.

- Stop. And try to explain.

- He can't.

- Let him try. - Go

ahead. - My mom is...

Your mother is your excuse,

ifshe even exists. Who knows?

You know what this is?

Um, this is really, um...

- This is horrendous. This is... I'm... I'm

devastated by this. - No, you're not.

- You'rejust exposed.

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