Two Little Boys Page #3

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- F***in' pull. Pull.

DEANO:
Grab it.

NIGE:
Get it off.

(Continues whistling)

NIGE:
Hot or cold? Hot or cold wash?

(Washing machine swishes)

Uh... kia ora, Deano.

Hey, Gav.

NIGE:
We're just, um...

DEANO:
Just washing.

- Doing some washing.

- Yeah.

Do you have any washing you wanna do?

- No.

- Yeah, it's full anyway.

Ooh.

Well, what'd you get up to

last night, Nige?

Uh... I was... uh...

Tripped over on a bottle.

Yeah, no, had a massive night.

Had a really big night at our house.

Just got on it.

Can't remember anything.

Neither can Nige.

Oh, you know... If I could

remember everything I'd forgotten,

I'd be a really wealthy man. (Chuckles)

(Continues chuckling)

NIGE, V/O:
Gav's great.

I've only known him for three months,

but you'd think we'd known each other

for a lot longer.

Like a century.

Gav's interested in all sorts of stuff.

He's travelled round the whole world.

Gav works in security,

but he says he does that to make money

to do what he really loves.

And he has this way of looking at things

that makes you go...

(Farts)

... Whooooa.

That is why I believe

life is like a video recorder.

Whooooa.

# I know, I know... #

Nige.

- Get dressed. Have a shower.

- Yeah.

Don't just stand around in your undies.

Yeah.

Do you want some eggs, bro?

(Exhales) Yeah.

(Shower patters)

Remember, just... act normal, alright?

That's all you gotta do.

Nige.

- Yeah.

- Nige.

- Keep it normal.

- Normal. Normal.

Oh, hey. A good hangover food

is chicken livers.

No, Nige, no. F*** chicken livers -

just... normal.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Alright.

- Have a good day.

GAV:
See you, Nige.

Normal.

Do you want to hop in the front, Gav?

Nah, it hardly seems worth it, bro.

I'm just going round the corner, eh?

(Tyres screech)

DEANO, V/O:
What a f***in' prick.

He expects me to, like, drive him round

like I'm the scum- of- the-earth chauffeur

and he's like a multimillionaire.

Who does he think he is?

Who's Jeurgen?

What did you say?

Jeurgen. Is he a mate of yours?

Oh, no. Just... um... I found that.

Um... I was gonna get the reward for it

to hand it in.

Oh, yeah. Bro, he looks like a albino.

- Oh, does he?

- Yeah.

Ka kite, bro.

Yep.

So that's, um, 10, 20...

Uh... 30.

NIGE, V/O:
Act normal

- Uh, 30...

NIGE, V/O:
Really normal.

Uh...

Thanks.

(Phone rings)

- Buongiorno.

- Uh...

- How...

(Phone rings)

Hello. Southland Building

Investment Society.

- Oi, Nige. It's me.

- Hey. Hey.

- How's acting normal going?

- Uh... It's not going that well.

Yeah, well,

Gav found Jeurgen's passport.

- Uh... what?

- Yeah, I know.

I know - it's a little bit

of a spanner in the you-know-what.

But, look, oi, Nige. Listen. Stay calm.

Alright?

Now, you just gotta stay calm.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Get Gav to come to the Catlins

with us this weekend, alright?

Keep him away from newspapers,

television, radio,

like, all sorts of news.

Television? Is that?

Nige, listen, get Gav to come away

with us this weekend, alright?

Deano, I've got to go.

I've got a customer.

No, you gotta listen to me.

No, I don't care. Nige, listen to me.

What are you gonna get Gav to do?

Hi. How can I help?

(Broken English) Excuse, I...

How do I... how do I...

NIGE, V/O:
Act normal.

... change money?

NIGE, V/O:
Normal.

Normal. Normal. Normal.

Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal!

Sometimes when

I'm about to have a freak-out,

I just have to think about

something completely different,

so I, I take, like a mental jump

and I think about Monica.

And I'm having sex with her.

(Groaning, moaning)

(Moaning continues)

...into Kiwi.

How do I change to Kiwi dollar?

BACKPACKER:
Kiwi...

Oh, man. I'm really excited, eh, bro?

I really, really want to see a penguin

at dawn.

I reckon the penguins

will probably take a big sh*t

when they see you coming, Gav.

Oh, yeah? Probably, bro.

Yeah, probably.

NIGE, V/O:
I've got one thing to do

before we head to the Catlins.

DEANO:
Alright, let's go.

Deano won't like it,

but he's not gonna stop me on this.

No way.

DEANO:

Don't f*** everything up, alright?

NIGE:
I won't.

DEANO:
Yeah, well, don't.

NIGE:
I won't!

- Alright. You've got one minute.

- OK.

Fifty-nine, fifty-eight, fifty-seven...

Six, five, four, three, two...

(Rings doorbell)

Monica!

Nige.

Now's not good.

I've got an exam tomorrow.

Monica, I'm in...

I'm in a little bit of trouble.

What is it?

Uh... can't really say.

But, um... well...

Oh, man.

Whoa. Can I put my face on it?

It's not yours, Nige.

Can I stick my ear on it anyway

and just see if it, like,

kicks me in the head?

OK.

Can't feel anything.

Oh! (Gasps) Ohh. Did you feel that?

Yeah. Whoa.

It's not yours, Nige.

I love you, Monz.

- Don't say that.

- I really do.

Well, are you still hanging out

with Deano?

Not... not... not really.

I mean... no.

DEANO:

Oi, Nige! Ditch the b*tch! Let's go.

(Horn blares)

Well, the next time you see Dean,

why don't you ask him

where my Kate Bush CD is,

where my Beatles Abbey Road CD is,

where my Billy Bragg is, and where

all my f***ing Bowie CDs are?

NIGE:
What are you talking about?

- Oh... hey, Monica.

- He stole my B-section, Nige.

- Hey?

He stole the entire B section

of my CD collection, and I want it back.

DEANO:
Oi, Nige! F***in' waiting!

Hey, Monica. Monz.

I, um... got you these.

Whenever you look at these roses,

I want you to think of me.

Oh, no. How'd that go?

Got any music for the trip, Deano?

Got any B-52s? Bananarama? Any Bon Jovi?

Yeah, I do. I've got all them.

I've also got Jeff Buckley,

Black Sabbath... Boney M.

What's your problem?

Yeah, Monica wants her CDs back.

Yeah, well, that's a pity, she's not

gonna get them. Right, now listen.

I'm gonna take the Lazy.

Go in the van with Gav, alright?

Alright?

Hear that, Gav? We're off.

Hoaka taua. Let's hit the highway!

Yeah, yeah. Waka, waka.

# BLAM BLAM BLAM:

There Is No Depression In NZ

(Flies buzzing)

DEANO, V/O:
It's important

that I think of Jeurgen

as, like, well, just a piece of meat.

Like a butcher

just dividing up lambs into roasts.

Like if Jeurgen was yelling 'ouch'

and stuff, this would be weird,

but, like, basically,

you just have to go,

he's just like...

it's just like cutting up!

Like a lamb with a face

and a... and hair.

# DAVE DOBB YN:
Slice of Heaven

There's no point being grossed out.

I mean, sometimes friendship

involves, like, unpleasant sh*t.

And that's all this is.

But I'm a f***ing awesome friend,

so, like, I'm always happy

to do that sh*t.

# Ba, da, da, bum-bum, da, da, da

# Bum-bum, da, da, da

Bum-bum, da, da, da, da, dum #

I actually get this feeling that this is

sort of what Jeurgen would have wanted.

Like, knowing it was

an accident and sh*t,

like, he wouldn't want

an innocent man to go to prison.

Sort of like he's saying to me,

'Hey, it's alright, Deano.

I'm a goner, mate, so, just do whatever

you can to help your mate Nige. '

# Hey, I got a lot of faith in ya

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