Two Little Boys Page #5

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and torched it and you were just like,

'This is mad, Deano.

I'll never forget this. '

Crazy times wearing that necklace.

Just like...

Hey, listen, mate. Nige, listen.

Sit down, sit down, sit down. Just...

I just want to say one word to you,

alright?

Nige...

Commitment.

Eh?

You heard me. Not gonna repeat myself.

Commitment.

Do you know what that word means?

- You're talking weird, Deano.

- No, I'm not.

Nige, commitment... Commitment

is when two people need each other.

Like f***in' oxygen.

They never let go. They'd do anything.

For richer or poorer,

if they're sick or healthy,

or, like, till death do them part.

Pretty f***in' serious.

I want you to wear that.

Yeah. Put it on, Nige.

It's not hard.

Just put the necklace on.

Nige. Put it on.

It's a f***in' order - put it on.

Put the f***in' necklace on!

Nige.

Nige!

F***! Nige!

- Gav.

(Camera clicks)

Hey, Gav.

Gav.

(Camera clicks, whirrs)

Rahhh!

Rahhh! Aghhh!

(Seal roars)

NIGE:
Deano!

DEANO:
Aghh!

I was trying to

take a photo of that, Deano.

- What? Yeah?

- I was taking a photo.

Aghhh!

- Sorry, Gav.

- Where the f*** did youse get to?

Why did youse just ditch me, then, Nige?

- Fat f***!

(Seal roars)

I thought you were

gonna follow us in the van.

- Nige, do you respect me?

- Yeah, course I do.

Well, if you respect me,

then don't f***ing bullshit me, alright?

(Seal grunts)

Deano told me to.

Oi, I need a word, Nige.

F*** off, Deano.

- You f*** off. Come on.

- You f*** off.

Why don't you f*** off? Come here.

F*** off.

- You f*** off. Come here.

- Go and get f***ed.

- Why don't you get f***ed?

- You get f***ed.

How about you get f***ed?

Why don't you go f*** off, you fuckhead.

Why don't you f*** off, get f***ed and

be a fuckhead at the same f***in' time?

- Go f*** yourself, Deano.

- Go f*** yourself.

- F*** you!

- F*** you!

- F*** yourself f*** truck!

- F*** your f*** truck!

F*** it all! I don't wanna be

your f***in' friend!

I don't wanna be your friend, Deano.

Bullshit.

I don't want to be your friend.

Come here, Nige.

(Breathes heavily)

(Seals grunt)

# You packed in the morning

I stared out the window

# And I struggled for something to say #

- (Grunts) F***!

F***! Ugh! F***!

F***! F***! F***!

F***! Agh!

F***! Agh...

(Grunts) Agh!

F*** you!

Agh!

Aghh!

# Left me just when I needed you most

# You

# Left me

just when I needed you most. #

(Dog barks)

They've been drinking. Hmm?

Yeah, well, boys'll be boys.

- Oh, well, these are more like men.

(Knocks on door)

Uh, no, you stay outside, Mrs H.

Oh.

Nige. Deano?

Oh, a note, is it?

A note.

Fat lot of good that'll do. Come on.

(Dog barks)

I've got one that's in my other book.

But I got one about the monkey

and the dungeon master.

TV:
... was basically used as a substitute

and scored the match-winning goal

in Norway's World Cup qualifier...

MAN:
Can I help you, sir?

You want some chips?

Mr Johansson

has been missing since Friday...

Spring roll? It's very good.

...and police hold grave fears

for his safety

after the discovery

of some personal effects

in a roadworks hole in Dee Street,

Invercargill.

- You want chips?

- I don't want any f***in' chips.

It doesn't look good, but...

...to the dungeon master,

'Your patience has been... '

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then everyone f***in' died. The end.

- Oi, Nige.

(Nige sighs)

Need to have a word with you, alright?

Oh, you're not speaking to me? Yeah?

Alright, well,

you might want to watch the TV

'cause I think a mate of yours is on it

playing soccer for Norway.

- Eh?

- The country.

Look - we're getting evicted, bro.

GAV:
We figured we'd go bush.

I was hoping that you'd come with us.

Oh, the police. Sh*t, Nige, what

a crack-up. What do we do now?

Cops are onto us.

What the f*** is he doing?

MONICA, RECORDING: Hi. This is

the Chisnalls. Leave a message.

Hey, Mon. Monz... Uh...

I just wanted to... Talk to you...

because I'm in a lot of trouble

and I just want to...

I might never see you again, OK?

And I want you

to tell the kid that if...

...he might never meet his dad... But

he f***in'... I love him. F*** off!

(Nige grunts, screams)

Oi.

- Hey. Hey.

(Nige shrieks)

Nige.

You're in deep, thick f***in' sh*t.

Do you know that?

Whole country of Norway, huh?

Man, they f***in' love soccer.

It's like a religion to them over there.

Gonna be pissed when they find out

that you've killed

the soccer version of the Pope.

Reckon there's bumming in prison?

Yeah. Have to be.

Yeah, after a while, you just

start thinking, 'A hole's a hole. '

Someone like you...

have such a popular arsehole.

Probably have to get ticket machine

installed like they've got at delis.

Your arse ends up looking

like a smashed choc jam doughnut.

(Sighs) Man, in the showers,

you'll just be standing there,

they'll just see your f***in' arse,

they'll be like

Princess Di's coming to visit them.

There'll be a party, mate.

Try not to think about it, though.

I could help you out,

but you're not talking to me, so...

...there's not really anything I can do.

What do you want me to say, Deano?

- I don't know, how about 'sorry'?

- Yeah.

- 'Sorry, Deano. '

- I'm really sorry.

Hey!

You know, sometimes I look at you

and I go, 'Where's the real Nige gone?'

- I miss that Nige.

(Car door slams)

This one's sh*t.

Want some of this, Deano?

- Go on, bro.

- Buy a mirror, mate. I'm not your bro.

Think Mama would have noticed

if you came out of her.

Shut up, Deano.

- Ooh!

- No, thank you, Nige.

I won't shut up.

Agh!

(Glass shatters)

No, no. Cut it out, man.

Hey, ceasefire. Come on, come on.

Just... Just calm down, man.

You guys ever heard of the expression

'There's an elephant in the room'?

Ever heard of the expression

'Shut up, d*ckhead'?

Oh... no, bro, but...

OK, it's like, picture this, OK?

We're all in this room, right?

And there's also, like,

there's a elephant in there.

But I don't know that it's there,

you know?

Why don't you know it's there?

Well, I guess it's invisible, you know.

Like... a really big invisible elephant.

How do we know it's there

if it's invisible?

The point is, guys,

is there something

you guys aren't telling me?

That's what I'm trying to say.

I don't know. Is there, Nige?

- No.

- Are you guys gay?

- F*** off.

- We're so not gay.

Well... why are you acting

so weird, then?

# E. GRIEG:
Peer Gynt: Prelude (Morning)

DEANO, V/O:
I've decided something.

Yeah.

I've decided that today

is gonna be the last day of Gav's life.

Don't ask me why,

but the thought really calms me down.

Like, overnight,

I've stopped hating his guts.

Those penguins

really seem to like you, Gav.

Yeah. I thought

we shared a real affinity, you know?

Yeah, yeah, man.

It's like the animal kingdom just

sort of like vibing together, yeah?

It's like sharing the universe

for infinity.

Yeah, you get it.

Wow.

DEANO, V/O:

No need to hate someone's guts

when you know

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