Two Much Page #3

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- Since I was 12 minutes old.

- You're twins?

- Yeah.

Huh. Absolutely identical.

Yeah.

That's a happy thought.

Well, we look the same, but,

uh, we've got nothing in common.

I mean, he paints, he

broods, he lives for his art.

He doesn't even like

to sell it.

Maybe he just likes

what he does.

Yeah, who knows?

It takes all kinds.

You know what? He burns some of

his paintings. He's... He's crazy.

That sounds like a colossal

waste of time to me.

Sounds like he might

even be a human being.

- When was the last time you saw him?

- Years.

Last I heard, he was in Italy.

Sorry.

Hello?

Yeah. Hold on.

It's for you.

- For me?

- Mm-hmm.

Really?

- Hello?

- At the tone, the time will be...

exactly 8:
30.

Beep.

Gloria, Gloria.

Have you got Bart there?

- I just don't know how to answer that one.

- Let me talk to him.

There must be an easier way

to get a girl into the sack.

Bart? Oh, God!

I can't believe

it's you, man!

I can't believe this is how I'm

using my degree in architecture.

How long are you here for?

What are your plans?

Met this guy a couple of days

ago, works for Sentinel Express.

Maybe we'll have a few drinks. I'll

check out his overnight delivery.

You know, I really

want to see you.

Your relationships with women are

getting more and more bizarre, Art.

- You want to get that looked at.

- When can we get together?

Maybe you should try the

personals. You know what I mean?

- I see, I see.

- Have you considered masturbation?

Well, I can't

promise anything.

Oh, come on.

Promise me something.

- Okay, we'll talk tomorrow.

- Sure, if you're still alive and out of a straitjacket.

- Seriously. Look after yourself,

will ya?

You now owe me four weeks' salary.

- Okay, okay. See you. All right?

- Okay.

Bye, bye, bye.

This guy is incredible.

Love to meet your family.

Personally, I'd rather meet

the Manson family.

"Furthermore,

Mr. President...

"the situation in Algiers

is a disaster.

Dad, Bart's in Miami.

"And the firing...

"of the surgeon general...

"was a major...

"mistake.

What a woman."

I said Bart is in town.

That's nice.

You... You know who

Bart is, don't you?

Of course I do.

I mean, your son,

my twin brother.

- I know who Bart is!

- Okay, okay, okay.

Just because, uh, someone might

call and want to talk to him.

Or you... you might meet

someone who mentions him to you.

I just don't want you to act like you've

never heard of him. You know what I mean?

Believe me, if I'm gonna forget

either son...

it'll be you.

Thank you.

I'm not going to help you!

The next time you're in a jam, I'd

prefer you were straight with me!

I knew it.

I mean, yes, yes.

Your brain works just fine when

something's in it for you, of course.

Listen, you son of a b*tch,

and may your mother forgive me.

What is this bullshit

all about?

Well, I was just trying to get you

to help me without having to ask you.

- That's all.

- So ask me.

- I'm your father, right?

- Ah.

Is it money or women?

No, it's...

You don't have to help me.

No, no, you don't want to,

you don't have to do it.

- Money or women?

- Women.

Is she... special?

So what's the problem?

- I'm gonna get married.

- It's about time.

To her sister.

Oh.

Her sister.

This... This twin...

with the idiotic name.

H-He's going to

fix all that?

- Damned if I know. Huh.

- Hmm.

Listen, any second now a woman is

gonna walk in here asking for me.

Tell her I am not in, but she

can speak to my brother Bart.

Bart. Get it?

Yeah, I lie to the woman you're engaged

to, but it's not as bad as it sounds.

I get it. Mm-hmm.

- Good morning.

- Good morning!

- May I help you?

- Yeah.

I'm looking for

Mr. Art Dodge.

- He's not in at the moment.

- Oh.

But if you like, you can

speak with his brother... Bart.

Bart's here?

Oh, I'd love to meet him.

- You mean you don't know him?

- Well, he just arrived from Italy.

Ohh! Of course.

And who shall I say

is here?

Betty Kerner,

Art's fiance.

- Bart?

- Yes?

Your... brother's

fiance is here.

- A Miss Kerner.

- Please, uh, send her in.

Right this way.

- Thank you.

- You're very welcome.

So, you are Betty.

I'm surprised.

So am I.

You're not at all alike.

My brother is obviously attracting

more perceptive women these days.

Thank you.

What do you mean, "these days"?

Well, let's just say...

the girls he used to

bring around...

didn't have your class...

or subtlety.

My brother has

a certain charm.

But don't you find him

a little... boring...

a bit, um, limited?

Not yet.

Art says you're an artist.

You can't really say that about a person

until he's been dead at least, uh, ten years.

What a point of view.

That's so pedantic.

- Eh?

- I mean romantic.

Ah.

My sister

would love you.

Why don't you come by with

Art for dinner tonight?

And you can talk about art

and the meaning of life.

- l-l-l...

- I won't take no for an answer.

- 9:
00.

- Okay. Okay.

I can't wait

for my brother.

Miss Fletcher,

if my brother shows up...

please tell him

I need to speak to him.

Betty, a pleasure.

Until tonight, then.

Yeah. Tonight.

- Hey! Hi.

- Hi.

- Betty! You been here long?

- No.

- I met your brother.

- Ohh.

- You're right. He's very complicated.

- Yeah.

But you know what?

He would make a great best man.

Fabulous idea!

He'll love that.

I-I am not sure.

- I'll check it out.

- Okay.

Your brother wants you to call

him anyway. It sounded important.

Darling, would you wait for

me in the car? I won't be long.

Okay. You'll be

at the wedding?

- Wouldn't miss it.

- Okay.

You know, I don't mind lying about

the check being in the mail...

or that some kid's

the new Jackson Pollock...

but I just don't think $7.50

an hour covers whatever this is.

Well, you choose.

It's that or back

to the suicide hot line.

- Art?

- What now?

My name is Gloria. Don't you

ever call me Miss Fletcher again.

What are you doing here? Why do

you follow me everyplace that I go?

I'm not following you. I'm looking out

for you. Someone's gotta protect you.

- You can't take care of yourself.

- I don't want your protection.

- I want you to leave me alone.

- What are you doing with this guy?

Yeah, Art, Art, it's...

it's great to see you again.

You know, Betty's been saying

such wonderful things about you.

Don't touch him!

Don't even get near him.

I'm just trying to congratulate him. Anyone

who makes you happy makes me happy.

You are not fooling me, Gene.

I know you.

No, you know the old Gene. I'm not

the same guy. I mean, give me a chance.

l... here. Here.

I brought you some flowers.

- Thank you.

- Beautiful. Beautiful.

- I'm just a warmhearted guy.

- Wh... What are you...

- Hey! Hey!

- What... What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Giving him the kiss of death?

Kiss of death? What kiss of death?

What is that?

He kisses you,

you're history.

- Didn't you ever see The Godfather?

- Which one?

- Just a moment, sir.

- Sure.

You must be Bart.

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