Unaccompanied Minors Page #2

But they're not statistically significant.

- Oh, burn.

- Good times, you guys. All right.

Okay.

Her name's Grace Conrad.

I admire your taste.

She's way out of your league, but if

you talk to her, I'll admire your pluck.

So, what about you two?

Divorce or Judaism?

- It's really none of your business.

- Divorced? Me too.

Polls are a great way to learn about

your fellow man. Thank you for your time.

This place is weird.

Could be worse.

Okay, Simon says flush your cell phone.

Is this bathroom out of order?

No.

Must escape the sound of running water.

Read them and weep, boys.

Texas Hold 'Em. Excellent game.

- What, you play?

- Only all the time.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I do. She doesn't know

what she's talking about.

I play all the time and I win.

We think she's adopted.

You're adopted, underpants!

- Underpants.

- Nice jacket. Abercrombie?

Please. It's Dior.

Why? Is yours from A & F?

Our mom bought it for him at Kmart.

Yeah. I gotta take her to get some food.

Her blood sugar's low, right?

No! I wanna watch them play cards,

noodle-head!

Yeah. Let her watch, noodle-head.

See you, Kmart.

Deal me in.

You want your dolly back, you big baby?

You're gonna cry, huh?

Hey, guys, check this out.

It's borderline urgent now, sir.

I cannot let you leave the room. Why

don't you wait for maintenance to fix it?

No, no, no.

Juice box in my back. I am laying

on a juice box.

Sometimes I see my brother kissing

his hand in his bedroom like this.

Awkward.

Did the door just open? I know the door

just opened. I can feel fresh air.

- I know someone's walking out.

- Morons.

- Okay, who farted?

- You can't leave without an attendant.

- Where are you going?

- Out.

This goes against everything

I believe in, but I gotta pee!

Wait, who's going to pee?

Hey, keep the door closed!

Who's walking out?

You better keep that...

Oh, no.

Oh, you worry me, honey.

You worry me.

I gotta call Sam.

Val, please. Why don't you relax?

I know exactly what you need.

A nice steaming cup

of my wonderful hot chocolate.

I've had three already.

And it's 80 degrees outside!

Are you trying to kill me?

Well, no.

Judy, my children are trapped

in an airport on Christmas Eve.

Do you have any idea

how miserable they must be?

Finally.

Where's that kid who had to pee?

- Sam Davenport. Clean Earth Society.

- Hi, Sam, it's Val.

Hey, Val. I'm heading to the airport

now to pick up the kids.

- You're not gonna be able to.

- What?

- They're not gonna be able to fly in!

- Val, calm down.

- There's a blizzard...

- It's not snowing out.

Yes, it is.

- Sure their flight's canceled?

- Would Al Roker make that up?

No, no. I guess Al Roker wouldn't lie.

Val, I'm gonna drive all night to get them.

And don't make that face.

I would like a table for one

in the no-little-sisters section, please.

Aren't you a little young

to be flying by yourself?

Not at all.

No. No kids' menu.

No, no, no. No crayons either.

Welcome to the High Flyer's Club,

Miss Conrad.

Thank you.

Gadgets.

Bingo.

Yes.

Cheese. Condiments.

Caviar.

Nachos. My mom

never lets me eat those.

So an order of those.

She's banned all sodas from the house,

so extra-, extra-, extra-large root beer.

My mom never let me eat

mozzarella sticks.

Mine either. Two orders. On to dessert.

You don't have a tapeworm, do you?

Oh, yeah.

Travel is so exhausting,

don't you think, girls?

Left, left. Yes.

How you doing?

Take it, backup singers!

Sweet Jehoshaphat.

He did it.

Freeze!

Freeze! Hey!

Excuse me, are you unaccompanied?

I'm single. Who's asking?

They are.

Are you gonna let me get dressed,

or should I just walk out of here naked?

Okay, airport food's that much, huh?

- I am so gonna kill you.

- It was good service.

It seemed like he would...

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

He didn't even eat the mozzarella sticks.

- Eat my dust!

- Stop it, kid.

Look out!

Get her!

Coming through!

Security Five, I have an unattended vehicle

outside here.

Hi, officer.

I think you're doing a great job.

- Both of you.

- Hey, kid, hop in!

I don't normally do this, officers. Sorry!

Hey, bro. Hi, Mom, Dad.

You guys, this vacation was awesome.

I just wanna thank you.

- Grace?

- There they are!

- You. Wait for me!

- Stop!

Oh, man, Harvard's never gonna accept me

with a police record.

- And I'm not going to community college.

- Charlie?

What are you guys doing?

That's an official...

- Get them!

- Let's go!

I've always wanted to do this. Go!

Charlie, you might

wanna get on the cart.

Oh, this is a bad idea!

Nicely done.

When did you get here?

I get the feeling we are going

to be in huge trouble.

Not with me behind the wheel. Hang on!

Right turn!

Well, that was fun.

Welcome home.

Where are my friends?

Oh, man. Where's my sister?

They went where all the good little boys

and girls go for Christmas.

They went somewhere nice.

Where, you ask?

Why, the comfortable and festive...

...Hoover International Lodge.

Which is just a few thousand yards

down from this delightful little room.

Which now smells like a horse died in it.

Oh, so we're going to the lodge?

I think I have an answer

to your question.

Are you out of

your juice-drinking little minds?

Have you looked outside lately?

The roads are blocked

because there is a little thing...

...called a blizzard going on.

That's when the sky opens up

and lots of snow falls...

...and makes it hard for people

to do things.

Like fly to Hawaii, for instance.

Who's going to Hawaii?

Not me.

Not anymore.

Sir, I gotta get down to my sister.

She's gonna be freaked without me.

Will she be freaked?

I'm betting she's gonna be stoked

that people are taking care of her...

...and she doesn't have to wait around

for her brother, who abandoned her.

So where are we staying?

What's wrong with right here?

It smells like a horse died in it.

That's exactly the kind of place...

...I thought a bunch of juvenile delinquents

would love to stay.

Watch it, Dr. Evil.

Oh, no, did I offend you?

Well, I don't know what else

to call someone...

...who commits grand theft auto,

reckless driving...

...and destruction of property

all in the course of 10 minutes.

Someone cooler than you'll ever be.

That's fantastic.

I didn't know we had

Ellen DeGeneres in the house.

And what about a young man...

...who orders the heart-attack special

and can't pay for it?

Or a girl who exfoliates herself

all over the airport lounge?

Then, the abominable snowman...

...who transforms

the Emergency Equipment Center...

...into his own private amusement park

and then blames it on Aquaman?

Aren't you a little too old

to be playing with dolls?

I mean, what are you, like 40?

Actually, Beef is 12, sir.

Good Lord.

And Charlie Goldfinch...

...my most frequent underage flyer.

And formerly model passenger.

Karaoke, son?

Was it worth it?

I had a song in my heart.

Oh, my gosh, I'm a juvie.

I think you can all see that I have

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