Unaccompanied Minors Page #3

a very compelling case...

...to keep you here in the U.M.

On Christmas Eve.

But who's gonna take care of them?

You are, Van Bourke.

And unless you enjoy unemployment...

...you'll make sure they don't

get out of this room again.

The phone lines at the airport

are still down.

Just call Spencer's cell phone.

Why don't you do that?

Sam talked me out of getting him one.

He said millions of them

were polluting landfills already.

He's never gonna make it

from Pennsylvania.

There's just no way.

He doesn't even have a real car!

You married a guy with a vegetable car.

This is good. This is good!

Me and you on the roads. Two guys.

I don't imagine there are gonna be many

biodiesel depots open on Christmas Eve...

...so I've packed you a little holiday meal.

I hope you like vegetarian.

I hope you like vegetarian.

Katherine can't have Christmas morning

without Santa Claus.

Let's go.

Road trip!

I got the last rooms. We'll have to pack

the sky brats in like sardines.

I wanna go home. I don't wanna

get packed in like a sardine.

Santa's never gonna find me here.

I didn't understand a word of that.

So, little girl...

...how would you like to stay

with Mary Lynn and me?

Who's Mary Lynn?

Only the world's sweetest

sweetie pie, that's who.

Hi. I'm Mary Lynn. We're gonna

have loads of fun together.

Okay. You listen, and you listen good.

I've never had a little sister,

so you're gonna be my test run.

I am going to braid your hair, little girl.

And even if you try to say no,

you'll face the consequences.

Get it? Got it? Good!

So there is some good news.

Your cots are ready.

Yeah, I'll be right back.

This is so not the Christmas

I had in mind.

Oh, poor baby.

I bet you have nice Christmases,

don't you, rich kid?

Where does your family go?

Paris? London? Fiji?

Please. Fiji's a zoo this time of year.

We go skiing in Utah.

Are your folks still together?

Yeah.

- Then I hate you.

- I'm not wild about you either.

Well, I love Christmas.

And I'm Jewish.

My mom's boyfriend says...

...that Christmas is when

Frosty the Snowman fights with the devil.

It talks.

- I'm getting out of here.

- What are you talking about?

I need to get to my sister

down at the hotel.

She's expecting Santa's sleigh

to get there at 4:30 a. M...

...and if I don't get down there,

she's gonna think Santa forgot her.

And I can't let that happen.

So who's with me?

How would you get us out of here?

I got an idea.

- This is not gonna work.

- This is so junior high.

I know. It's cool, isn't it?

Attention, Zach Van Bourke.

Please report to the Information Desk.

You're wanted at the Information Desk.

All right, guys. Well, I'll be right back.

You guys stay. Please.

Great plan, Kmart.

Really thought that one out.

That was only part of the plan.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm here.

Yeah.

You know what?

It's been really cool hanging out.

But I'm gonna go back to the book.

I'm Zach Van Bourke. You paged me?

Yeah. You got a phone message

from some kids.

- I do?

- Yeah. They said:

"Goodbye. "

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!

You're right.

That was so junior high.

Operation Save Christmas is a go.

Looking good, baby, looking good!

Who needs four-wheel drive

when you've got the power of clean?

Hey! Get out of the way, grandma!

Fossil-fuel junkie.

Gasoholic.

Enjoy the hangover!

I wonder where the fire is.

Doesn't she look just darling?

Excuse me, lady.

I need to be at... I need to get it...

I need to be at a chimney at 4:30

because I need to meet Santa.

Girls? The pilots are down in the

restaurant, and they wanna buy us dinner.

Captain Cohen's down there.

Never too late for a fifth husband.

Let's go, girls!

The kids.

Don't worry, ma'am, I'm a certified

babysitter. I get paid 50 cents an hour.

Mary Lynn, there's a 20 in this for you.

Captain Cohen, here I come.

Oh, no, you don't.

You are not going anywhere...

...because I am going to give you

a makeover.

An extreme makeover.

They're children.

Don't tell me you can't find them.

They're little tiny people.

Get back.

Do you know what the word

"security" means?

From the Latin, securitas?

As in "secure the building

from children running amuck. "

Mr. Porter...

...as long as the kids are in the airport,

they're safe.

If you chase them,

it's just gonna make things worse.

Oh, yeah. That's right, Van Bourke.

That would be much more tragic

than me getting fired.

Now, you help me find those kids...

...or I'm gonna lock you

in the U.M. Room all night.

How do you like them apples?

Oh, my gosh, we're fugitives.

Shut up.

What, they call the National Guard?

If you get me sent back to that room,

you're dead.

What are you gonna do, rich girl?

Have your daddy hire a hit man?

Maybe I'll just have him

break your dad out of jail.

Girl fight. Girl fight.

Oh, my gosh, it's a girl fight.

No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't.

Please, no, no, no.

I saw this on cable once

but then my dad blocked the channel.

'Tis the season to be j...

That's gonna hurt when I pee.

Oh, my gosh. Kid, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I just don't like being touched, okay?

Got it. Won't happen again.

You know what, guys?

If we are ever gonna get down

to that hotel, we have to be a team.

You know, we have to think like a team.

We have to act like a team,

talk like a team.

We have to walk like a team,

fight like a team and be like a team...

...because we are the U.M. Team.

Yeah. What do we do first?

I'll get your sister a Christmas tree.

We're never gonna see him again,

are we?

- Probably not.

- Okay, if I may interject.

If we wanna get out of this airport...

...our best bet would be the lower level,

northeast corner...

...behind the baggage claim.

Security's thin at this time of night.

And how do you know that?

I fly out of Hoover International

every week.

There.

Now it's time to brush your teeth.

- I'm not a doll, Mary Lynn.

- No.

You're way better. You can talk.

And I don't even

have to pull a stupid string.

Now open up.

But, Mary Lynn,

I already brushed my teeth.

Did you tell the kids

I was coming to get them?

- No.

- Why not?

Because Spencer doesn't

have a cell phone, remember?

I didn't want the kids

getting their hopes up...

...in case your car

doesn't make it there.

Hey, the biomobile rocks, okay?

I have enough fuel in the back seat...

...to get me to Florida and back

if I wanted to.

Well, I hope you're not talking

on one of those roadside pay phones.

I read that all kinds of freak accidents

happen there by the shoulder.

Wait, wait. Honey.

You have to stop reading

those dumb tabloids, okay?

You know they make those stories up.

Oh, boy.

Zooey, you gotta toughen this kid up.

Oh, Ernie. Beef's only 12.

Twelve. Exactly.

He still plays with a doll.

Have you seen the kids that pick on him?

He should be eating them for breakfast.

It's your ex-husband's fault.

Ninny. If it was up to me, I'd drop this kid

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes