Unaccompanied Minors Page #4

in the middle of the woods...

...give him a knife

and a book of matches.

Let him find his way home,

the way my old man did it to me.

Men are made, not born.

Merry Christmas.

Take me with you, Santa.

Aquaman, men are made, not born.

- My deal.

- Mr. Yakamora.

Hey, it's a dog. Are you hungry?

Okay. So the exit we're looking for

is right behind that door.

We need a distraction

to get them away from there.

No Christmas dinner for you, Cujo.

- Yeah, keep barking, right.

- I think we just found it.

Okay, kids.

Let's follow your crumbs.

- It's almost gone.

- Forget the dog. Come on, keep dealing.

We only got a half-hour for lunch.

So this guy gives me his bag.

It was so heavy...

Hey, man. Why don't you share

your lunch with him?

Okay, doggie.

You can have the last piece.

Not.

Not gonna get it.

Oh, man.

- Van Bourke, get after that dog.

- What?

- The dog.

- Okay.

That's him, guys. Hide.

- What the hell is going on here?

- The dog got out.

- How?

- We don't know.

Trapped like rats.

No. Zip.

Hello?

Anybody in here?

Oh, candy.

Anybody under 6 feet tall?

Anybody who isn't

traveling with an adult?

Olly olly oxen free?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Hello?

Sir? Hi.

Yeah, that dog just took a dump

in the promenade...

...and its owner wants to talk to you.

- The nightmare has begun.

Search this room from top to bottom...

...and let me know the minute you find

anybody. Van Bourke, come with me.

Mr. Porter.

- What is this doing here?

- Unclaimed.

Well, get it back to the warehouse.

Do I have to do everything around here?

My candy.

Oh, gosh.

- Let's go get some coffee.

- Let's go.

- What's the matter?

- Charlie is in there.

- What?

- Turn it off.

There's no key. Charlie!

Why, hello.

- Donna, what are you doing?

- Come back!

I gotta save him!

It's not so bad in here. Oh, no!

Charli...

- Help!

- Donna!

I hope this is going someplace nice.

Charlie!

You follow her, okay? I'll take him.

- Got it.

- Good.

I should have gone to the bathroom.

Help me!

You've gotta be kidding me.

Well, that doesn't sound good.

Oh, that's gotta hurt.

That hurt.

- Charlie.

- Donna, is that you?

Charlie, are you...?

- Go.

- Okay.

I got you, Charlie.

Charlie, are you okay?

I'd be better if you'd

get your knee off my spleen.

- Oh, no.

- Hang on, Charlie!

Donna, Charlie.

Are you guys okay?

Please tell me you're okay.

Donna? Your knee's

in an even worse place this time.

Oh, thanks.

You guys, look.

Where are we?

This would be

the unclaimed-baggage warehouse.

I saw this place on TV.

Oh, my gosh. There's at least 50 years'

worth of unclaimed luggage in this place.

Please, someone, tell me it's beautiful.

Hey, Spencer. Looks like your sister's...

...not the only one who's gonna

get a good Christmas this year.

- Somebody wanna unzip me?

- Sure. Sorry.

Cool.

Oh, boy.

No! Please don't kill me.

That was a friendly honk, meant

only to respectfully attract attention.

Oh, hey. Sorry to scare you.

I was just about to carve a beaver.

Carve a beaver. Got it. Got it.

Hey, do you guys sell biodiesel here?

We got regular diesel and unleaded gas.

That's about it.

Unless you want a statue of Lincoln

carved out of a telephone pole.

What harm could one tank of diesel do?

What have I done?

Oh, thank God.

That doesn't look good.

So, what's the cool things you found?

Say hello to my surfboard.

I found a walkie-talkie family pack.

It has cameras and video screens

inside of them.

Oh, I just took a video of the inside

of my ear using a penlight and a macro lens.

Now, who wants to see my ear canal?

Come on.

No, thank you.

I'll watch it, then.

Spencer? Anything you wanna tell us?

Oh, this. It's for my sister.

She loves princesses.

Then why don't you give her

the rich girl over there?

Kidding.

What'd you find?

You know, I have no idea,

but how cool does it look?

Hey, that's an 8-track tape player.

According to the Massachusetts

...I have the largest collection

of cassettes in the state.

But I don't mean to brag.

This is one of my favorites.

Could this night get any better?

What is he doing?

What are you doing?

- Hoffman.

- Shut up.

Hoffman.

Not now.

Hoffman, I think you should

take a look at this.

This better be good.

What in the sam hill?

Oh, Charles.

Hey.

Yeah, Charles.

Hey, hey, hey.

Look, I saved him, I'll dance with him.

Okay.

Hey, you let me touch you.

I'm touching you, kid. Don't get any ideas.

I can still take you down.

All right, Kmart, let's see what you got.

Okay.

You realize if you tell anyone

about that photo you saw...

...I'll have to kill you.

- Right. Lips sealed.

Not telling anyone, I swear.

Good.

- It was a nice picture, though. I liked it.

- Nice try.

No, I mean, I think girls

look really good in glasses.

Not that you don't

look good without them, of course.

I mean, that's not what I meant at all,

you know?

- I was a dork.

- Hey, join the club.

You're not a dork. You just...

You just need someone doing

better PR for you than your sister.

Are you gonna pass out or something?

Oh, man. I mean, we gotta go.

You know what, guys? We gotta go.

My sister's expecting Santa's sleigh soon.

We don't know

how we're getting to the hotel.

Why do you need a hotel when you've got

a nice concrete room to go back to?

- Run!

- They're on the move, boys.

Don't lose them in here.

Van Bourke, guard the door.

But it's Christmas Eve, sir.

Can you just...

...leave them alone?

Split up, split up!

We might wanna

get off the main road here.

- Grace, come on.

- Dirty. Okay.

Okay, nobody panic.

Nobody panic. Nobody panic!

Donna, I have a confession.

I was never a good runner.

I can't even do the running man.

You smart guys are all the same:

Good on test day, bad on fight day.

Follow me, men.

Watch out for your footing, guys.

I don't want anyone falling behind.

There's the door.

You guys, look, it's the hotel.

Oh, boy.

Move it, moron.

They're escaping out the back.

- It's the Hoover International Lodge.

- We need to get down there.

How? You got four snowmobiles?

Watch the Winter Olympics?

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

What are you doing?

We're going to the hotel

to find Spencer's sister.

Way to go. Anything else

you wanna tell him?

Van Dork, I'm afraid you know

too much now.

- Wait, wait, wait.

- Okay, now go!

Wait, I promise I won't talk.

Please let me out!

Hey! Hey!

Last one down the hill is a fired apple.

We seem to be moving a tad rapidly.

Tree! Watch out!

- Pine needles!

- Nice steering, Tex.

I usually like to try to avoid clichs,

but we've got some company.

More trees!

Take evasive action, boys!

Steer around the trees.

How do we steer?

You know, if I wasn't so utterly terrified,

I might be having fun.

Drift!

My butt!

Cowabunga!

Sweet Jehoshaphat!

Look out, he's gonna hit us!

Lean left!

I'm coming, Mr. Porter!

This is all wonderful fun...

...but you do realize the enormous

amount of trouble...

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