Unaccompanied Minors Page #5

...you're gonna be in

when I catch you, right?

Not if I can help it. Paddle!

Oh, you wanna speed up, huh?

Okay!

Wait for me!

Not to be a stick in the mud...

...but we're moving

at a very dangerous rate of speed.

- I'd like to second that interjection!

- Keep paddling until I say when!

Please tell me you're gonna stop

at the hotel!

Yeah, we are, but you're not!

Hit the brakes!

Hit the brakes!

Hit the brakes!

Unbelievable.

I don't get paid enough for this!

Holy cow!

Well, this should be interesting.

Darn.

Van Dork, aren't you coming with us?

No, you guys do what you gotta do.

I'm just gonna sit here and you know...

...throw up for a little bit.

- Go.

- Spencer.

- Yeah?

- Be careful, okay?

You guys are acting like

you had too much sugar.

Don't worry, Van Bourke. We're okay.

Wait up, you guys.

Guard cat.

You were a worthy opponent.

Ain't it a little past your bedtime, sonny?

I want a Christmas tree.

What about that little one?

What do I look like,

freaking Charlie Brown?

This big one's expensive.

You got any money?

- Sunday potluck, don't forget!

- All right, partner, see you there!

You wanna come in for some eggnog?

Oh, man.

How am I gonna get to my kids now?

Your kids?

No, sir. No kid should be alone

on Christmas Eve. Not in an airport.

I really appreciate it.

However I can repay you, just name it.

Oh, no.

The mayor dropped it off for an oil change,

but he's out of town.

You use it to pick up your kids

and head back here.

I'll get you a rental car

in the morning.

I can't drive that thing.

It gets terrible mileage.

I'd loan you my Caddy, but squirrels

ate through the brake lines.

I'm afraid this is your only choice.

Depends how much you wanna

see your kids.

Forgive me, brother squirrel.

Oh, man.

I hope the boys in the Sierra Club

don't see me in this.

Thanks.

Okay, so my sister is in room 424.

We've got like 14 minutes and... Thirteen.

Okay. Now I'm mad.

Elevator.

- What are you doing? Get in.

- We'll take care of him. Get your sister.

Here, take these walkies.

You'll need them.

Don't you kids know that you're supposed

to be good on Christmas Eve?

Physician, heal thyself!

It's Shakespeare.

Man, you're no end of help

in a fight, are you?

Oh, well. Maybe next Christmas

will be better than this one.

Sir, I advise you not to do that.

Punk, watch this.

Thanks for the tip.

Oh, perfect. Now everything hurts.

My contacts are going crazy.

Once a dork...

...always a dork.

You are so not a dork.

Kid!

- Hey, kid!

- Santa's sleigh arrives in nine minutes.

- We gotta find her.

- It's time to pluck your eyebrows.

- Is my sister Katherine in there?

- Who wants to know?

Her brother wants to know.

Well, I'm not allowed

to talk to strangers.

Let me handle this.

Move!

Oh, no.

Room service! Room service!

Hey! No! Stop that!

Stop. Stop that.

You're gonna get me in trouble!

There were some kids running wild

in the hall...

...and I was just trying to stop them.

It wasn't me.

It sounded like you.

They're very talented children.

I'm just gonna go find the children.

Right now!

- Charlie, where are you guys?

- Engaged with the enemy at the moment.

- Taking evasive action.

- We think Spencer's sister is downstairs.

- We need you guys to keep the coast clear.

- Roger that.

Donna, time for Han Solo

and the Death Star.

Trust me. It's a nerd thing.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Not a Star Wars move.

Oh, no, no, no.

- No!

- Room service! Room Service.

- No!

- Room service! Get your free food here!

Now, I know this looks bad, but...

And now so do you.

Oh, no.

Merry Christmas, Katherine.

Don't you just wanna take a picture?

Oh, you're all in so much trouble.

Just don't wake up my sister, okay?

Any more requests?

Milk and cookies?

A jail cell with a view?

Mr. Porter, now, I know you probably

don't want to hear this...

...but I think that maybe you should just

let these kids stay at the hotel.

- It's Christmas.

- Is that your sage advice, Van Bourke?

I will take your opinion

into consideration one day...

...when I actually care what you think.

Oliver...

...as soon as I get these kids

back on their planes, I quit.

March.

Sir, are you taking us to the U.M. Room?

I would never do that to you

on Christmas morning.

- Really?

- No.

You'll all be much happier

here in your own private rooms.

- Private rooms?

- You don't expect me to let you...

...stay together and plan your next assault

on me and my airport?

It's "my airport and I."

Hey, get this, Strunk and White,

"me and my airport" is correct.

- Dang.

- Oh, and by the way...

...all those stranded passengers

you saw sleeping in the gate area?

There are too many of them

and not enough planes leaving.

So I thought

since they followed all the rules...

...and since you have such nice,

comfortable rooms to stay in...

...that you wouldn't mind

if I bumped you from your flights...

...and let them go instead.

- Sir.

- Don't worry.

You'll be able to leave this afternoon

or by this evening.

- Tomorrow for sure.

- You can't do that.

As a matter of fact,

it's one of the few things I can do.

Lock them up.

I'll be in my office watching

your every move on camera.

There'll be guards posted

outside your doors.

If you find your way out of here...

...I'll be the first to congratulate you

and admit defeat...

...because you will have accomplished

the impossible.

Good luck.

Hey, guys.

Thanks for all the help with my sister.

You know, I'm sorry that

all your Christmases have to be ruined...

...because of me.

We probably won't see each other again

after our flights leave, so I just...

...wanted to say

that I had a really good time...

...and that I think we make

a pretty awesome family.

Maybe the thing is it's just none of

our families are meant to stay together...

...you know?

Maybe that's it.

Except for you, Grace.

Actually, that's not totally true.

I thought your parents weren't divorced.

Well, not from each other,

but they sort of divorced me.

What do you mean?

They just don't seem

to like it when I'm around.

That's why they travel all the time.

They're in Paris right now.

- So is that where you're going?

- No. I'm already home.

I live 20 minutes from here.

I flew in today from boarding school.

I figured it'd be more fun hanging out at the

airport than sitting at home with my nanny.

She wanted Christmas off anyway.

Now I'm really depressed.

You guys have vents in your ceiling?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Then I'm getting us out of here.

- Spencer.

That guy's watching us on the cameras.

He'll see everything we do.

Not if he doesn't see what we're doing.

Just go to sleep, you little monsters.

- Okay, phase one finished?

- Check.

- Check.

- Check.

Okay. On to phase two.

What was the worst Christmas gift

you ever got?

That's easy. My brother Frank gave me

the same Christmas present for 14 years.

Hated it.

- What was it?

- A punch in the head.

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