Uncle Buck Page #4

around a Buck.

Your girlfriend?

A friend.

And, yes, she is a girl.

Are you supposed to marry her?

The subject has come up,

but nothing serious.

Maybe if you got married,

you'd stop being such an a**hole.

- Cigar?

- No, thanks.

- Let me know if you change your mind.

- I will.

I'll get it nice and juicy for you.

This is where you separate

the men from the boys.

Easy. Easy.

There you go.

Yeah, I got you now.

Happy birthday!

I hope you're hungry.

You should see the toast.

I couldn't get it through the door.

Announcement here. There's going

to be a delay on the clown.

- What clown?

- Miles' mom hired a clown.

You don't like clowns?

Yeah, about five years ago.

Now they're so boring...

they make me puke.

The vest, the flower.

Screw them. That's all they get.

I'm Pooter the Clown.

Put it there.

Kids will love that.

I didn't order you.

My sister-in-law did.

She's not here.

I'm the uncle.

- Buck Russell's the name.

- I'm sorry I'm late.

I was at this

all-night bachelorette party.

Need any dildo jokes?

I'm the guy!

Did you have a few drinks this morning?

I think you did, didn't you?

Are you Mother Cabrini?

You never touch the stuff?

No, but I wouldn't be drinking

if I was gonna entertain some kids.

I don't have to take any sh*t from you.

You know who I am?

In the field of local,

live home entertainment, I'm a god!

Get in your mouse

and get out of here.

Let me tell you something,

you lowlife...

lying, four-flushing sack of sh*t.

Let's go out to the car.

Why?

What do you mean "why"?

Not now.

It's fine.

It's not fine.

Why not?

I don't feel right yet.

You ever going to feel right?

I don't get where we're going.

I told you 25 times.

We're going to pick up Tia.

- She's eating at a cheerleader's house.

- So she says.

Since when do cheerleaders

live in the woods?

I'll take you home.

I don't want to go home.

I'm okay.

Sure?

Trust me.

Sh*t!

Well, well, well.

They are scraping the bottom of

the barrel for cheerleaders these days.

What are you doing here?

We were going out for ice cream.

Thought you might like to join us.

I said I'd be home at 10:00.

It's not even 9:
00.

Who said anything about that? I thought

you'd like to join us for ice cream.

Maybe your "Bug" here can join us.

We can talk about burying the hatchet.

- Do you know what a hatchet is, Bug?

- It's an ax?

Sort of, yeah.

I got one in the car

if you'd like to see it.

- I'll pass.

- Fair enough.

I like to carry it. You never know

when you're going to need it.

A situation may come up.

For example,

someone's been drinking...

and about to drive

a loved one home.

Then I like to know I have it.

Not to kill, no.

Just to maim.

Take a little off the shoulder.

The elbow.

Shave a little meat...

off the old kneecap.

You got both kneecaps?

I like to keep mine razor-sharp.

Sharp enough to shave with them.

I've been known

to circumcise a gnat.

You're not a gnat, are you, Bug?

Wait a minute.

Bug. Gnat.

Is there a similarity there?

Whoa, I think there is.

You understand

what I'm talking about?

I don't think you do.

I'll be right back.

I'm sorry.

I think you'd better split.

I don't want him going berserk

with an ax on me.

He's all talk.

Here it is!

Come on over!

I want to show it to you.

Maybe later.

He's gone in a few days.

Just relax.

I'll get him back.

That's a stupid thing to do

during flu season.

I bet she's getting the tongue.

Just looking.

Next.

Let me go in first.

I'll cover for you.

Give you more time to relax.

All right?

Morning.

I'm Anita Hoargarth.

Buck Melanoma,

Moley Russell's wart.

Not her wart.

I'm the wart.

She's my tumor, my growth,

my pimple.

I'm "Uncle Wart."

Just old Buck "Wart" Russell,

they call me.

Or Melanoma Head.

They'll call me that.

"Melanoma Head's" coming.

I'm sor... Uncle, Maizy Russell's uncle.

I'm her uncle.

Her mother set up

this conference with you.

I'm assistant principal here...

as you've probably noticed

from the indications on the door.

- This door?

- The outer door!

The outer door.

'Cause there's nothing on this one.

That's about enough of that.

Sorry.

I've been an educator

for 31.3 years...

and in that time,

I've seen a lot of bad eggs.

I say "eggs" because

at the elementary level...

we are not dealing

with fully-developed individuals.

I see a bad egg

when I look at your niece.

She is a twiddler, a dreamer...

a silly heart

and she is a jabberbox.

And, frankly...

I don't think she takes a thing...

in her life or her career

as a student seriously.

She's only six.

That is not a valid excuse!

I hear that every day and I dismiss it.

I don't want to know a six-year-old

who isn't a dreamer or a silly heart.

I sure don't want to know one who

takes their student career seriously.

I don't have a college degree.

I don't even have a job.

Does anyone have a special story

to tell about something that happened?

My uncle was microwaving my socks...

and the dog threw up on the couch

for about an hour.

Honest? Why was your uncle

microwaving your socks?

He can't get the goddamn

washing machine to work.

Blasphemer!

I know a good kid when I see one.

Because they're all good kids...

until dried-out, brain-deadskags

like you...

drag them down and convince them

they're no good.

You so much as scowl at my niece

or any other kid in this school...

and I hear about it,

I'm coming looking for you.

Take this quarter.

Go downtown...

and have a rat gnaw that thing

off your face.

Good day to you, madam.

Next.

Ah, yeah!

Hi, Chanice.

This is Terry.

Walt Bern...

Would you get with the program?

Bernstein is his name.

I forgot to give you the number.

Don't get mad.

I hope somebody knows

what they're doing down there.

Chanice? Buck.

I hate these machines.

I'm just calling to say

I miss you.

I know you probably don't believe it,

but it's true.

No, I haven't been drinking.

I've been thinking a lot about you...

and what we've talked about

the past weeks.

I think about you all the time...

and about those two dimples

on your buns.

Dimples.

What did we call them?

The right was Lyndon

and the left was Johnson.

No, that was your b*obs.

No, your b*obs were Minnie and Mickey.

I remember that because of Disney World.

And Felix is what we called your...

Goddamn kids!

Okay, come on, you,

get in the house.

What are you doing out here

making all this noise?

Get in the house where you belong.

Come on!

- Who let the cat out?

- We don't have a cat.

Come on, get out.

Go on, shoo! Shoo!

Open up.

Hello?

Hi. May I speak to Buck Russell?

This is a friend of his.

Chanice Kobolowski.

I'm sorry, Chanice.

He's not here right now.

- Can you tell me when he'll be back?

- He went out with Marcie.

The lady who lives across the street.

They usually stay out pretty late.

Do you want to leave a message?

No, there's no message.

No message.

Hot!

- Is there a big sexy guy in here?

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