Uncle Buck Page #3

of my personal life.

Do your parents stay out

of your personal lie?

They don't know my personal life.

- Have they met Twiddle Dink?

- His name is Bug.

- First or last?

- First.

What's his last name, Spray?

You should talk, Buck.

No. No.

N-O. Don't look at me like that.

Don't!

That's not fair.

Don't you have a favorite doll

or something?

Why don't we get your doll

and put your dad's pajamas on him?

Your brother!

What about your brother?

How about the dog?

You know the dog.

You can't.

You just can't.

It's a new law.

That's it.

It's in the books.

You don't want to sleep with me.

Can somebody get that, please?

Do I have to do everything

around here?

- Yo.

- Hi, sweetie. How are you?

Fine. I'm earning my keep.

Uncle Buck's got me bustin' my hump.

He says hard work

will put hair on my chest.

At least I'm learning a trade.

That's good.

Grandpa's feeling better.

He sends you

big hugs and kisses.

Tell him to hang in there.

- Can you get Uncle Buck?

- Will do, chickie.

Mom?

- Hi.

- Next time you take off...

why don't you hire a murderer

to watch the house?

This guy's a joke.

Why don't you go your way

and let him go his?

While he systematically

dismantles my life?

Another drawback is

that I'm a big drooler.

You could wake up

thinking you were asleep in a swamp.

- Mom's on the phone.

- Good. I'll be right there.

The guy took off

and left Miles and Maizy alone.

Plus he drinks.

- Did you brush your teeth?

- Yeah. Feel my toothbrush.

I have a friend who works at

the crime lab at the police station.

I could give him your toothbrush

and he could run a test on it to see...

if you actually brushed your teeth

or ran your toothbrush under the faucet.

If that's true, we're going to really

have to start brushing our teeth.

How are you?

- I'm okay. How's everything?

- Good, good.

- You sure?

- Everything is fine here.

- Everything's fine.

- Kids are okay?

The kids are great!

We're having a great time together.

How's your dad?

He's okay.

He's getting better. Thanks.

That's good news.

That's encouraging.

I've got a good feeling about this.

He's gonna be fine.

I got a few questions for you.

You got an interesting set of plates

in the living room.

- Are they old?

- Yeah.

They are.

Where would you find

something like that?

In an antique shop downtown?

In England.

How many times a day

do you feed a dog like that?

How many times a day

do you think he eats?

Four or five.

He eats once a day.

Just once.

What does he like to drink?

Water?

Yes, he drinks water.

I would keep water out.

I've been leaving the toilet seats up.

Yeah.

The blue water's not good for him?

That might account for something.

Nothing.

Just an odd coloration

out on the grass.

Buck...

I want you to know it makes me

feel secure to know you're there.

Thank you very much.

Okay, bye-bye.

Bob?

Cindy?

Open up.

Hello?

I'm getting mad.

All right.

Get ready.

Here I come.

Come on! Do I have

to talk dirty to you?

Open up for daddy.

There we go.

Nice and easy.

Come on, here we go.

Take that!

You don't want the crowbar, do you?

Come on!

Open up!

Come on!

I'm gonna shove my load into you

whether you like it or not.

Come on!

Come on, you son of a b*tch,

open up.

- Freeze!

- Who are you?

- Cindy!

- She's in Indianapolis.

- What's she doing in Indianapolis?

- Her father had a heart attack.

Who are you, and how do you know

her father had a heart attack?

I'm her brother-in-law.

Yeah? Who you talking dirty to?

The washing machine.

I don't know how to work it, so I was

kicking it and swearing at it...

which is not

an uncommon thing to do.

And you thought...

- I apologize.

- Okay.

Boy, that's funny.

I live across the street.

- My name is Marcie.

- Buck Russell.

Marcie Dahlgren-Frost.

Dahlgren is my maiden name.

Frost is my married name.

I'm single again,

but I never bothered to lose the Frost.

- I get compliments on the hyphen.

- I'm sure you would.

I came to invite Cindy to lunch...

but since she's not here,

do you have plans?

I've got a lot of things to do

around here.

Rain check?

I'm only gonna be here

a couple days.

Cindy said it would only be

a couple of days?

She didn't specify.

I just assumed.

My father's heart attack,

I was out of town three weeks.

No wonder Cindy didn't call me.

You need a relative

for an imposition of this size.

Waiting for your sex?

Shut up!

Tia?

Why'd you blow all that makeup?

We're just going bowling.

I'm not going bowling.

It's a great sport, and it's impossible

to get pregnant while doing it...

if you catch my drift.

You're disgusting.

I'll die before I go anywhere with you.

- It's going to be fun.

- They have rent-a-shoes.

And rent-a-foot-disease.

We've done the battle of the wills.

The deck's stacked in my favor.

You'll lose again.

Try me.

How'd you like to spend

the next few nights wondering...

if your crazy, out-of-work bum uncle...

will shave your head

while you sleep?

See you in the car.

Come on up.

There you go.

This is a bowling ball.

How you doing?

Never seen you here before.

I know about everybody.

That's why they call me "Pal."

Buy you a beer?

You must be a college student.

Cheerleader probably.

You look firm.

Give it a push.

That's it.

You like all-terrain vehicles?

I've got a brand-new Bronco

right out in the parking lot. Red.

Want to go for a ride?

If the object of the game were

to get the ball as close to the pins...

without knocking any of them over...

you would be champion of the world.

- Really?

- Really.

My throat hurts.

I can't talk.

I've got a cure for that.

You got a game going?

You're not going to get any strikes

sitting there, are you? Move it!

Get out!

Shithead, where the hell you been?

Sit down.

I want you to meet my niece.

Tia, this is Rog.

Rog, Tia.

How are you?

E. Roger Coswell.

Come on, it ain't gonna bite.

Okay. You've got to let

somebody know where you are.

I've been checking car trunks

for your corpse.

I'm sorry. I've been in the suburbs

watching my brother's kids a few days.

They're cuties.

Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say

the goddamnedest things.

Is Chanice here?

I'm flying solo tonight.

I want to let her have it

for not marrying you.

If she'd marry your worthless butt,

I would be able to find you.

I gotta talk business.

I can't find you.

Why don't we step

into my office then?

Excuse us.

Come on, big mouth.

- It was nice meeting you.

- I'll remember it always.

Cute kid.

- Jimmy Bean called.

- Yeah?

He's coming in for the Winter Million

at Burlington Park on Friday.

He says it's a boat race,

very easy money. He owes you and me.

He says to show up an hour before

post time and he'll give us the tip.

Consider this, Buck. With this score,

your whole year's covered.

Maybe I can make it work.

I'll see you Friday night.

Thanks, Rog.

Watch the Sterno, will you?

Watch your fingers.

What's a "Chanice"?

That's someone who's sometimes seen

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