Uncle Nick Page #2

own entertainment.

The first person

to run on the field

was a large woman

with an ample bosom.

The crowd loved it.

She tried to put moves

on umpire Nestor Chilack.

He rejected her affections.

That was only the first display

of nudity from the crowd.

This streaker found

an interesting way

to get some painful abrasions.

- Great house, man.

It looks like a Pottery Barn

f***ed a Restoration Hardware

in here.

In a good way.

I hope we have enough.

To Dad.

- To Dad.

- What's the matter,

you can't put 'em back anymore?

- Oh, the funny old man.

- Well, baby brother,

where do you keep that

fruity sh*t you drink?

- Got a little wine cellar

in the basement,

if that's what you mean.

- Dude, what the f***

is a tannin anyway?

- It's complicated.

- Well, maybe you could

explain it to me

like I'm some dried-up

Lakewood hag.

- I don't work at the

wine bar anymore.

- Oh, that's right,

you're a stay-at-home mom now.

Is that like when you used

to stay home from school

and sit around all day

watching The Price ls Right,

f***ing the couch?

"Uh, uh...

Take that, Plinko!

Work the shaft, Bob Barker,

work the shaft!"

- You're really going

to make me regret

inviting you over today, huh?

- Probably.

- Great, then it'll be

just like my wedding.

- I don't remember your wedding.

- "This is how we do it..."

- I remember everything.

- Just keep it together, okay?

It's our first real

Christmas as a family.

- Oh, uh, Nick.

Put that out.

- I will when I find an ashtray.

- No, no, um... No, no,

this is a no-smoking house

so I'm sorry... ugh...

but if you have to smoke

you have to go outside.

- I'll freeze my

balls off out there

and you don't want to see me

without a cigarette.

It's like this but worse.

- Well, then...

you can use Cody's studio.

- Cody has a studio?

What the f***?

The latest in a long line

of my brother's failed careers.

And now he's apparently

a t-shirt designer?

- "Futtbucker."

What a douche.

- Can I bum a cigarette?

- You smoke?

- Of course.

It makes my mom so happy.

- What is all of this?

- "Co-Tees."

It's a play on words.

- No, I get it.

- He, like, set up

a website and everything.

And I actually model

for him sometimes.

- Yeah?

You like doing that?

- Yeah, it's fun actually.

Plus, who knows?

Maybe one day

I'll be on a runway in Paris.

- I could see that.

- Oh, yeah?

- This whole t-shirt thing

is news to me.

When did Cody start this?

- Ah, when my mom made him

quit the wine bar.

- She made him quit?

- Yeah, so that way

he wouldn't have to work

weird hours anymore

and never be at home.

And now he can just

do whatever he wants

and follow his dreams.

- F***.

- Can I use your glass?

- Yeah, sure.

Damn, girl.

You were thirsty, huh?

- Yeah, don't tell my mom.

- I can keep a secret.

- I bet you can.

Do you have a girlfriend?

- No.

Not really.

- Yeah, but I bet you have

fuckbuddies, right?

- I get around, I guess.

What about you?

Do you have anyone?

- No.

I'm not really interested

in having some relationship.

I just want to have fun

and not worry about getting

some jealous guy upset.

- Yeah.

You're a smart girl.

Guys your age,

all they know how to do

is how to mimic

whatever they've seen

on Bang Bus.

It's an epidemic.

It's all about anal sex

and blowin' it on some

poor girl's tits and...

ah, Jesus...

well, you... sorry.

But you know what I mean, right?

- I probably said too much.

But it was the truth.

- I should go before

my mom catches me.

- If you need another drink

or smoke or whatever,

you know where I am.

- A couple more drinks,

then things will start

getting interesting.

In the third inning,

the beer was flowing

and the crowd was

having a good time.

That didn't last long.

They were one step away

from taking the night

to an unpleasant place.

- Writing a journal?

Blog?

You like p*ssy?

Just making sure

you're listening.

You're a real

conversationalist, Marcus.

The back and forth here

is really something.

- It's hard to believe

that you're my uncle.

You're sort of like

a weird homeless dude

who just kind of

wandered in here.

- Well, believe it, nephew,

my a**hole brother married

your mom on Valentine's Day.

- Well, we can agree on

something:
Cody is an a**hole.

Big time.

What, he's only, like,

15 years older than me

and he wants me to call him Dad?

I got a dad.

He's 48, bald,

and loves the Browns.

Not some 31-year-old douche

who makes shitty t-shirts

for a living.

- Wow, you really know

your sh*t, Marcus.

So, tell me about Valerie.

- She thinks she's a model

and hates my mom.

- I can see that.

She could defiantly be a model.

She's definitely hot enough.

- Yeah, right.

She's 5'4"

and lives in Cleveland.

When you have Ohio genetics

your body morphs

into the shape of a tugboat

by the time you're 30.

It's inevitable.

- You're alright, Marcus.

You're a whole lot of alright.

- Oh, no, I need that

for the stuffing.

Hey, shouldn't you guys

be on your way

to the nursing home by now?

- Oh, yeah, Mom's not coming.

- What? Why?

- They said she's

not feeling good

so they called her doctor

to come check her out.

That's going to

cost me more money.

- Great. Mom's gonna die

on f***ing Christmas.

- No, she's not.

She's just tired.

She needs some rest.

- Michelle and Kevin

are still coming, right?

I mean, if they don't show up

I will have made this

whole dinner for nothing.

All this...

No...

I'm glad that you're here, Nick.

I just hate wasting food,

and I've been making a dinner

for eight, not five.

- I'll text Michelle.

I'll see what's going on.

I'm sure she's just

stuck at work.

- Yeah, and I'll take home

some leftovers.

- I bet you will.

"I bet you will."

- I decide to make

another whiskey on the rocks.

Dad liked those.

I need to stop

thinking about Emily

or this night is going to turn

into a complete disaster.

- You're good.

Show me how to play something?

- It's not that easy.

- Show me where to put my fingers.

- Okay.

- Alright. Ready?

- Yeah.

I'm terrible.

I should go check on that.

- I need a refill.

Who the f***'s Jon Miller?

- In the bottom

of the fourth inning,

Rangers pitcher Fergie Jenkins

was taken down by a line drive

from the bat

of Cleveland's Leron Lee.

The ball came so fast,

Jenkins couldn't decide

whether to catch it

or get out of the way.

He ended up getting

hit straight in the gut.

The crowd sprang to life.

Not out of concern

for the injured player

but because they wanted more.

They wanted blood.

The fuse had been lit.

The crowd began

to chant in unison:

"Hit him harder.

Hit him harder.

Hit him harder."

- Hey, Cody.

Think fast!

- Nick!

Jeez, man,

you almost broke my phone.

- Look at this guy,

sporting a new outfit

his wife bought him.

- Seriously, dude!

What a little pecker.

- You break something in here,

the lady of the house,

not gonna be happy.

- Man, you're whipped.

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