Uncle Nick Page #3

You know, there is nothing

better than a tasty beverage.

- Hey, do us a favor, man,

don't drink too much, okay?

- Excuse me for wanting

to enjoy my fancy new mug.

- "Number One Boss."

- F***ing impressive sh*t.

That's me.

You know, you should

come work for me, Cody.

Family business.

What dad always wanted.

- Not a chance.

- What's it like to not

have to work for a living?

- I work.

- Oh, I saw your little

make-believe business

in the garage.

Oh, I'm sorry, your "studio."

- What was that, Marcus?

- I didn't say anything.

- That's right. You just

go back to having no life.

Mind your own business.

- That's not cool, man.

- No, man.

Kids like him,

they spend their whole day

on the internet,

they think they got

the world figured out.

Let me ask you something,

Marcus. When...

When was the last time

you had sex?

Or better yet,

when was the last time

you kissed a chick?

You know what

you're good at, Marcus?

Stuffing your fat face

with junk food

and playing video games all day.

Congratulations, my man.

It's gonna get you

real far in life.

- Hey. Do not listen

to that dickwad.

Hey, Marcus, think fast!

- Oh, dude'.

- Marcus!

- Go ahead and blame that on me.

Do not worry about it, okay?

It's totally cool.

- I've had

one too many too early.

What's she interested in?

- Nice tits.

Oh, sh*t.

- The booze

caught up with me too fast.

This isn't good.

There, that's better.

Time for Round 2.

- You disappeared

upstairs for a bit.

Is everything okay?

- Do you have a boyfriend?

- No.

We went over this, remember?

- Yeah, I know, it's just...

Ah, never mind.

- Okay... well, now you

have to say something.

- Is that how it works?

- Uh-huh.

- I just...

When you left me at the piano?

You left your phone behind.

- Were you going

through my phone?

" No!

No, I would never.

That's something

a creep would do. Yuck.

No, I just glanced

over when it lit up,

out of pure reflex

and... you know.

- What did you see?

- Kind of a racy text.

- Yeah. That.

- Do you like that?

- Sexting?

Sometimes, yeah.

- Who's this guy?

" Jon?

You don't know him.

- You know, you could send me

a message like that some time.

Just as a goof.

You know what?

Forget it.

Nah, I don't even care,

Like, I don't give a f***.

But if you were bored...

I, you know, have a lot of texts

on my phone plan

that I never use,

you know, thousands,

and it just seems like a waste,

so then next month it's...

two thousand, you know...

- You should get your

money's worth.

- Holy sh*t.

- Val,

you know how upsets me

when you smoke.

- She's not.

- I'm not.

- Nick, are you Ok?

- Yeah, I'm awesome.

Val, come in

and set the dinner table.

- Are you gonna ask Marcus

to do anything, or just me?

- Now.

Hold on.

Have you been drinking?

- No, alright?

God!

Don't corrupt my daughter.

- I'm not.

I'm a positive influence.

- Of course you are.

- But your daughter is twenty

and in college.

I should be the least

of your worries.

- Are you going to answer that?

- No.

- You look ridiculous.

What are you talking about?

I look like f***in'

Jason Statham.

I'm a badass.

- I used to light

cigarettes like this for Emily.

One for me, one for her.

There I go again.

Think about the girl

that's here with me now.

Sh*t just got real.

- F***.

It's too damn cold in here.

C'mon, dude.

Just a second!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Hurry up.

- Almost done.

Hey, Michelle.

- Oh my God.

Were you beatin' it in there?

My sister.

She's got the good looks of Cody

but the bad manners of me.

- What? No, no, I've got

this thing on my pants.

I'm good.

Uh, when'd you get here?

- Just now. Get out.

Beater.

- It's all yours.

- Eww.

- Hey, big game on Sunday.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Gimme a minute.

Come on.

Send, you piece of crap.

- What are you trying to do?

- Don't worry about it.

I'm sorry.

These pants give me

the worst camel toe.

- What?

- That's obscene.

They call it a moose knuckle

where I'm from.

- My dear.

- This is

my brother-in-law Kevin.

- Thank you, baby.

- All he ever wants

to talk about is his podcast.

- You're listening to the

Beat of the Drum podcast.

We'll talk about baseball,

especially Indians baseball.

And please start

leaving comments.

I really want to

start a dialogue here.

- So you guys up to date

on my podcast?

It's really...

really starting to make waves.

It's inspiring

a lot of discussion.

- Hey, I'm sorry

we were so late.

It's like, all these a**holes

come out on the very last day

and the lines were, like,

crazy today, right, babe?

- Yeah!

- And what's the deal with Mom?

Is she not coming?

- She said she's sick

or something.

- What do mean

"sick or something"?

What did she say?

- Well, the caretaker

lady called.

- You didn't talk to her?

- No, left a message.

- ls it just me

or is it weird celebrating

Christmas here?

- It's f***ing so weird.

So. Weird.

Look at this room.

- You know, it's not that weird.

It's a really pretty house,

and it's my house.

- Come on, Cody.

It's her house.

What'd you pick out, the remote?

- I just feel like

they should be serving us

tea and crumpets,

or perhaps some

lamprey pie with the Queen.

- Ooh, I could

have some lamprey pie.

Ooh, constable, have you

spotted my dick out?

Yes, please,

I'm looking for my spot of dick.

Oh, ma'am, I think

I saw it in your boot.

- G'd gloore.

- You know, guys,

Sophie's really stressed out

so please don't make fun

of her house during dinner,

okay?

- You could show

a little respect.

- Yes, respect for the Queen.

- Ooh, yes, me Lady.

Ooh, yes you, Lady.

- Sounds like a dog drinking.

- What is that, nutmeg?

You can still taste it, huh?

It's my secret recipe.

The Colonel doesn't

have sh*t on me.

- Hey, Nick, I was wondering

if maybe you'd like to come by

if you have some free time

and join me for a podcast.

I'd love to talk to you

about 10 Cent Beer Night,

everything that happened.

- Maybe later.

- Yeah, I bet you'd like that.

Hey, there he is!

- Can I have one?

- Yeah.

Go nuts, kid.

- Well, maybe we should

ask his mom first.

- Nah, relax.

It's Christmas.

- I don't know

anything about this.

- Hey, I'm still waiting

for that picture.

- Yeah, well.

Stupid phone.

How do I turn this

f***ing music off?

- My mom wouldn't like that.

- Well, I don't like this.

If I have to hear

"Chestnuts" one more time,

I'm going to roast my

goddamn head in the open fire.

I can't f***in' take it.

What the hell is this?

- It's a karaoke machine.

- Yeah.

Alright, let's do this.

Oh, come all ye faithful

- No.

- Yes.

Joyful and triumphant

O come ye, O come ye

to Bethlehem

Come and behold Him,

for the King of Angels

O come let us adore Him,

O come let us adore Him,

O come let us adore Him,

Christ our Lord.

- Okay, well, dinner's

almost ready.

Oh!

As the game progressed,

the Indians fans

became more and more unruly.

They pelted the grounds crew

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