Uncle Nick Page #4

with batteries

from their radios,

hot dogs.

Rangers first baseman

Mike Hargrove

was nearly hit in the head

by a half-full bottle

of Thunderbird.

To say the drunken antics

had escalated

was an understatement

of epic proportions.

- I'm never drinking

eggnog again.

- Next time you

decide to steal booze,

don't treat it like

it's a bag of potato chips.

Have some goddamned

self-control, Marcus.

- Hey, I wouldn't

use that towel.

Ah, I can't watch.

This is tragic.

- Do you really need to do that?

- No, let's let

the kids get drunk,

fall down the stairs,

and crack their skulls open?

- How's that?

- We all know if anyone's taking a header

down the stairs tonight

it's gonna be me, right?

- Yeah, you don't need

to punish everyone.

Gown!

- It's just not Christmas

without... joy.

- Yeah, the adults

could have enjoyed it.

- I remember

how Christmas used to be;

the anticipation

of presents to come;

love and warmth

and Emily.

I wish I could experience

those feelings one more time.

But instead,

I'm spending Christmas dinner

staring at a picture of my dick.

- Nick, put your phone away.

- Here's the problem.

It says the file is too big.

Yeah, it is.

- So, normally I would lead

the saying of grace

but I think that tonight

that honor should go to Cody

since it's our first family

Christmas together.

- Okay,

I'm a little rusty but...

Bless us, oh Lord,

and these thy gifts,

which we are about to receive,

from thy bounty,

through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

- Amen.

- Amen.

- You're not going to thank

God before this meal?

- God didn't do sh*t.

Your wife did.

So thank you, Sophie.

Thanks for inviting me

and thank you

for preparing this feast.

You are welcome.

Well, everyone, dig in.

- There is no God!

- Jesus Christ, Marcus!

- He's not real, either.

- Marcus!

Don't blaspheme!

- Don't look at me.

- My lack of belief

should be respected

just as much as your

indoctrinated ones.

- That's it!

That's enough!

That's enough for you.

- Starving me isn't going

to make me believe in your God.

- Oh, yeah, you look like

you're starving.

- Just let the kid eat with us.

Marcus, I know what

you're getting at,

but just go with it

for tonight, okay, buddy?

- Mom?

- Fine.

- It's probably just

the booze talking.

- Have you guys heard my

latest episode of my podcast?

- It's a good one.

- What's your podcast about?

- Well, it's called

Beat of the Drum,

and it's about the history

of the Cleveland Indians.

In the new episode,

I interviewed John Adams,

the guy who plays

the drum in the stadium

during Cleveland home games.

And he's a really

interesting guy.

He's got stor...

Well, you should listen.

He came into the store.

That's when we met.

He was looking for a DVD player.

I set him straight.

It's on iTunes.

- I don't really follow

baseball, so...

- Well, it's not

really about baseball.

It's more about what a team is,

about loving something,

and being proud

of your hometown.

- Babe, she's not going to

listen to it. It's not...

probably her thing.

You know, Sophie,

I never heard the story

of how you met my brother.

He and I hadn't

talked in a while

and then next thing I know

you two are getting married.

- Well, um.

We met him at Vino in Lakewood.

I was with a group of friends

and he recommended me

this amazing cabernet.

- I had a feeling she'd like it.

- I did...

but I liked him more.

- Were you with your

ex-husband when you met?

- Yes.

Well, I haven't really

figured out what my major's

gonna be yet so I just figured

I'd take a couple more

general studies classes,

see if anything clicks.

- You should be

grateful your parents

are paying for your school.

I had to go out and get a job.

- College is overrated.

Didn't really help

with my career.

- Don't listen to him.

Just go. Trust me.

- Michelle's right.

I went to the Baldwin Wallace

conservatory and I loved it.

- Kind of a waste, though.

It's her decision.

If she wants to drop out,

she can.

- Val, what,

you're dropping out?

- No, I mean...

maybe, if my modeling

career takes off.

And if I drop out, I'll actually

have time to go on auditions.

- She's really good, babe.

You saw the pics

for the website.

She's a natural.

- We will talk about this later.

- I would advise that nobody go

into that upstairs bathroom

for at least an hour.

- I'll go light a candle.

- Thank you.

- Wow, I should have brought

sweatpants over here.

Ugh.

- Michelle, how's your, uh, job?

At the store?

The, uh... the...

- Well, it's retail

so it's horrible.

- Oh.

- But we get an

employee discount...

so that's something.

- Yeah, our DVD collection

is like... boom!

- Are you really dropping

out of college?

- We got, like, two walls.

One is Blu-ray...

- I don't know.

I mean, what's the big deal?

It's not like Cody

graduated college.

- I raised you

in this big house.

I helped you do your homework.

What have I done wrong here?

- I think Dad

has a pretty good list.

- Don't ruin Christmas.

- I hate it here.

This is all just

some big fake show,

and I don't even remember

the last time we used

these stupid dishes.

- These are Crate and Barrel.

They don't make better

dishes then these.

Trust me on that,

little princess.

- You know, it's not what

you think it is around here,

and I really want

you to know that.

Nobody's happy.-

Merry Christmas, Mom.

- Nick, I forgot to mention,

we're getting a new bed

delivered next week.

You should take the old one.

- Nah, I'm good.

- Oh, we insist.

- If Nick doesn't want it,

we'll take it

because our bed is terrible.

I get jabbed with

springs every night.

- No, Nick should take it.

He needs it.

You know, get rid of

that old thing in there...

especially after what happened.

- I don't need a bed

because I don't sleep on one.

- Where do you sleep?

- On the couch.

- Is it more comfortable?

- That cannot be good

for your back.

- I haven't slept in a bed

in eight years.

Has it really been that long?

- Why did you stop?

- I was seeing this girl, Emily,

and it was the first time

I'd been serious

with a girl in a while.

I was so busy with work

and taking care of Mom,

I just didn't have time

for a girlfriend.

I meet Emily, things are great.

It's Christmas Eve,

and she comes over

and she decides

to spend the night...

- I have to go to the bathroom.

- It may still smell

horrible up there.

- I don't care.

I can't hear this right now.

- She died.

Emily had an aneurism

in her sleep.

She never knew what hit her.

And I didn't know.

I had to wake up in the morning

and she's so cold.

So I hold her tight,

try to warm her up.

- Maybe we shouldn't

be talking about this...

- It's okay.

I started,

so might as well finish.

And that's when

I finally realized

something was wrong when she...

evacuated her bowels...

or whatever the medical term is.

That's when I discovered

something horrible had happened.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes