Uncle Nick Page #5

- That's so sad.

- I still think you should

take the bed, though.

It would probably help.

- Well, I hope you've all

saved room for dessert.

- By the sixth inning

everyone was good and drunk.

Many fathers had soon realized

that as soon as the

innings had passed,

the risk to their

loved ones grew.

It was time to go.

They didn't want to see

what happened next.

The troublemakers

didn't go anywhere.

They stayed,

ready to see this

through to the end.

- I rarely tell this story.

How will Valerie react?

If she comes through that door,

she's mine.

Just sit here

and wait until she does.

She won't say a word.

Neither will I.

And it will be perfect.

- Nick?

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

I'm fine.

- Cody mentioned once

that you had a girlfriend

who passed away

but I didn't know the

whole story, obviously.

- Yeah.

Now you do.

- I'm sorry that happened.

The offer still stands,

about the bed,

you know, if you want it.

- Alright.

Yeah, I think I'm okay.

- We're going to start

White Elephant soon.

That will be fun.

- Ha.

- Here's how the

Wilkins family version

of White Elephant works.

You start with a pile of gifts.

Simple, cheap stuff.

Nothing expensive.

If you roll a seven or eleven,

you get to take one of

the presents from the pile.

Shaking is permitted.

You go around the room

until every present

is off the table.

Round two is when

things get ugly.

You set a timer for ten minutes.

If you roll a seven or eleven,

you get to take a present

from someone else's pile.

Air horns

add tension to sudden death.

Michelle and I

used to gang up on Cody

and take everything

he had in round two

because, well, f*** him.

When the timer rings,

the game's over.

And that's how you play

White Elephant.

White Elephant

is a horrible game.

It's all about jealousy

and greed.

Feelings get hurt.

You know, which kinda makes

it perfect for Christmas.

- Okay, so, before

the game starts, guys,

I'd like to make

a small announcement.

Um, inside one of those boxes

is a brand new iPad!

- Aw, yeah!

- Whoa, wait a minute,

we didn't buy

anything that nice.

Did you change the rules

on us this year?

- I thought the whole point

of White Elephant

was that you're supposed

to get small gifts.

- I just...

I thought that it

might be more fun

if there was something

that we all want?

- I know I want it.

- It just seems like

we would have gotten...

I feel like maybe we

should have done more.

- Oh, what the hell.

Let's do it.

- Okay?

Okay!

And! And!

I had the maid wrap the gifts

so even I don't know

which one it is.

- Well, if Cody

wrapped the gifts

then he's disqualified, right?

" Oh!

N'

- That means that you're

the maid, dum-dum!

- I feel good!

Yes!

IPad, you're mine.

Green one.

- Booyah!

- Aw, Big Eight!

- Tough break, bro.

- Big bucks,

big bucks, no Whammy...

- Yeah!

- This is bullshit.

- Remind me to never go to

a casino with you people, huh?

- Suck on that.

- Yeah.

' Yea!

I'll take...

I'll take any gift.

Any one of 'em.

- Oh, I got a good

feelin' about that.

I don't even have to do it,

I know it' s gonna...

and suck it!

F*** yeah!

Who's the man?

I run this sh*t!

You just live here!

You see how hot these dice are?

I'm getting third degree

burns over here.

- No, no...

Oh my God!

- Yep, that's right.

Gimme a gift, Gifty.

- F*** yeah!

- Is that really necessary?

- I am the winning robot...

Cannot compute...

Level of awesomeness...

Circuits failing...

- Watch out now, Nick.

There's still sudden death.

- Right.

Good luck with that.

- Okay, guys,

we are ready for round two.

- Whoo!

' Yea!

- Whoo!

Thank you.

- Lucky b*tch.

- Alright, Uncle Nick.

- Give me the biggest one.

- That's what happens

when I get a glimmer

of hope in my life,

my stupid brother

ruins everything.

- Thank you, sir.

- F*** you, sir.

- Alright, you guys-

iPad, this is it.

- Matches...

- Aw, a tea set.

- I like this...

if you wanna...

- I'm guessing that these

are from you, Nick.

- Yep-

Looks like you're the

real winner here, huh?

- Look what I got.

Yes, yes, yes!

In your stupid face!

Gimme some love!

Yes!

Gimme some love!

You gonna leave me hangin', bro?

- Yep-

- Aw, come on.

Michelle,

will give me some love.

Kev, will give me some love.

You know, Nick,

nobody likes a sore loser.

- You're right.

So take your iPad, Cody.

Take it like you've taken

everything that's ever been

given to you your

entire f***ing life.

- I've worked plenty.

Pouring wine is not work.

- Oh, and bossin' around a bunch

of Mexicans, that's work?

- Puerto Ricans.

- Whatever.

Like you work hard.

- Work is taking over

the family business.

- Hey, nobody asked you

to take over, Nick.

- You're right.

Nobody did ask me to take over.

I had no f***ing choice.

I had to pay for your

failed college education

because Dad died.

One other thing:

when are you going

to start kicking in

on the nursing home bill?

I don't think it's fair

that I have to scrape by

to support my mom alone.

You're married to Cody now

so I think that you should

share some of the burden.

- I don't think that this

is an appropriate time

to discuss this.

- When is it appropriate?

Can we put that on

the f***ing calendar?

Can you pencil me in?

- Leave her out of this, Nick.

- F*** yourself, pretty boy.

- Do we need to take

this outside, Nick?

- Look at me.

Look at me. Calm down.

- Cody, knock it off.

You're not helping.

- Yeah, well, I will not be

disrespected in my house!

- "In my house!"

Do you hear that sh*t?

Unbelievable.

- Okay, knock it off.

Come on, come with me.

Come on.

- F*** you, Cody.

F*** you and your tannins.

- Yeah, well, f*** you, Nick.

- Eat all the d*cks, buddy.

All of 'em.

- Here, drink this.

- F*** that.

- That was real mature, Nick.

God, I hate it

when you're like this.

- Yeah, well, I hate Cody.

- Well, Cody didn't

ruin your life.

Now you're taking his side?

- No, Jesus, of course not.

It's just...

if you're so unhappy running

the landscaping company,

why don't you just sell it?

- To who?

- I don't know.

Somebody.

- And do what?

I'm too old to start over.

And who's going

to take care of Mom?

- You know I would

help you out if I could.

- I know.

- You've seen my husband.

You've heard his podcast.

- No, I haven't.

I won't listen

to that f***in' thing.

- Not a chance.

- Me neither.

- Listen, it's just...

It's Christmas.

Let's go relax

and enjoy ourself, okay?

F*** everybody else.

- Alright.

- I can't believe

that I'm about to ask her this.

- Hey, do you think

I have a shot with Valerie?

I mean, you're a girl,

you know that kind of sh*t.

- Dude!

Wake up!

Valerie's a f***ing kid!

- She's twenty,

and she's been giving me

the signs all night to round third...

- Oh, she's twenty.

Dude.

Oh my God, is that your dick?!

Why the f***

would you show me that?!

Jesus!

- Whoops.

No, this.

- She says she loves

to suck cock.

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