Uncle Nick Page #6

- Oh my God, what is

f***ing wrong with you?

Jesus!

- You're gonna keep

this on the D-L?

- Dude, you need

to sober the f*** up

before you do something

stupid that you'll regret.

Hey!

Jesus f***ing Christ.

- Where we going?

- I was just going

to drive around.

- Um...

You don't need another DUI.

- You're right.

I just can't

be in there anymore.

Might as well get

comfortable, huh?

- Jesus.

- You know I'm still waiting

for a picture, right?

- Yeah,

you don't want to see that.

- How do you expect to get

something in return?

- Could just

whip it out right here,

save us both the trouble, huh?

- Alright.

Do it.

- Yeah?

Is that what you want?

- Yeah.

Whip it out.

Nah...

It's cold.

- This is what you want, right?

You've been thinking about

this all day, haven't you?

- Thinking about what?

- Getting me alone.

Having your way with me.

You have, haven't you?

- The thought has

crossed my mind.

- Is this what you want?

What do you want to do to me,

Uncle Nick?

- Get off.

- What?

- Get off. Get off.

- Why?

- Valerie, I can't,

I just can't.

- Are you f***ing serious?

I'm sorry. I...

It's wrong.

We shouldn't be doing this.

Well, it's your loss.

I was just drunk enough

to actually say, "F*** it."

- I know.

I know.

F***.

- Local legend

John Adams sat in the bleachers

and hit his base drum

as he always did

when the Indians

were in need of a rally.

They were down and the

game was slipping away.

- F*** it.

- Hello?

Who found them?

Hello? Nick?

- It's all f***ed, Luis,

it's all f***ed.

- I don't understand.

What do you mean?

- I just...

When is it going to be my time?

- Nick, I have to go.

It's Christmas, you know?

- I know I said that I was

going to get a cab home

but I really need you

to come get me.

I need to see a familiar face.

- Hey, I'm not a

taxi service, okay?

You don't have any

respect for me, man.

- You're my Number One Guy...

- You're a drunk!

And I'm sick and tired

of taking care of you...

- What are you talking about?

- You are the worst boss

I've ever had.

I don't care if I have to stand

in front of a Home Depot

for the rest of my life.

I quit! Punta!

What have l...?

- No, we shouldn't.

- Yes, we should.

- Okay, wait...

No, no, no.

- I really want

you to get your nose...

- I mean,

I don't know how much further

I can get it in there.

All is calm

All is bright...

- What is "Do Not Disturb"?

- Swirl it.

- Oh, so it's quiet.

- It's on Quiet mode.

- So what if we want noise?

What noises does it make?

Hey, hey, that's Mommy's juice!

What's this?

- This is Timmy's

Kindergarten Adventure.

- I have never

really tasted wine before.

- I have really never

tasted it before either.

And I can't taste it anymore.

- This is it, right?

- One, two, three.

- Two, three.

That was really terrible.

Did you hear my burp?

- No.

...Holy night

All is calm

All is bright

- Oh Jesus.

You feel so f***ing good.

- Am I tight?

- Oh, you're so f***ing tight.

Oh, Jesus Christ,

you feel so good.

Sleep in heavenly peace

- By the end of the 8th inning,

things turned real ugly.

The Indians were down two runs

and were only three outs away

from ending one of the

most out of control,

unpredictable games

that America's past-time

has ever endured.

- Nick, we thought you had left.

- Why did you marry my brother?

- He's my dream husband.

- C'mon, you're a smart lady.

You know this isn't real, right?

Cody's... charming.

And he makes me feel good.

- You think he feels

the same way about you?

- Of course!

He married me.

- Nah.

You married him.

- You think he's after my money.

- Amongst other things.

- Mm-hmm.

So, who should I have married?

Someone like you?

- You're not really my type.

- I'm so sad to hear that.

Honey,

did you get that Bordeaux?

- Yeah.

I found a mouse, too.

- Ew! A mouse?

Where?

- It was in one of those

traps but he's dead.

Um, it was really gross.

- Yeah, he's gone now.

He's in the trash.

Don't worry about it.

- Sophie might not

know what's going on but I do.

I could see it all over

their stupid faces.

They've been texting

back and forth all day,

planning this.

That dirty message I saw on

Valerie's phone was from him.

- Nick!

Jeez, man,

you almost broke my phone.

She's really good, babe.

You saw the pics

for the website.

- Sexting?

Yeah, sometimes.

Can you just come in?

I can't hear you.

You know, it's not what

you think it is around here.

- F***in' piece of sh*t.

- Nick!

- F***!

- Can I bum a smoke?

- The after-sex cigarette.

- Just have mine.

- Thanks.

- You seem relaxed.

- Yeah, I needed that.

- Yeah, I bet you did.

- It's been a pretty crazy day.

- You could say that.

- Are you still upset about

what happened in the car?

- No.

- Are you okay?

- Sure.

- Look, don't be weird.

I mean, you can still

send me that picture

as an early Christmas present.

- With one out

in the bottom of the ninth,

the Indians rallied.

Centerfielder

George Hendrick hit a double

and scored when pinch hitter

Ed Crosby singled.

Pinch hitter Rusty Torres

hit a single,

moving Crosby to second.

Alan Ashby, the third

pinch hitter in a row,

delivered another single.

The bases were loaded.

The sacrifice fly from third

baseman John Lowenstein

brought Crosby home

to tie the game five to five.

On second base,

Rusty Torres represented

the winning run.

Victory was in

the Indians' grasp.

- We should hit the road

pretty soon.

- Yeah, Nick, you want

to split a cab with us?

- Nah.

I do have a question

for you two.

You both work

in electronics, right?

You know this sh*t.

- What's up?

- Hypothetically speaking,

just hypothetical,

let's say that I recorded some

footage on my phone here

that's X-rated in nature.

- Gross!

- I said, hypothetically.

- Still, gross.

- So, it's this girl

and this older guy

and they're doin' it in the

basement, dog-style, right?

- Nick, no one

wants to hear this.

- So, it's nasty, right?

- 'K.

- Language is super-dirty

and it's just about how

great her lady-parts are,

and how tight she is.

- Yeah, I think "tight" is the word that was used.

- Nick, shut your mouth, man.

- Anyway, there's got

to be some way for me

to email it to everybody

in my address book, right?

- Well, you might want

to go on your computer...

- Jesus!

- Honey!

- What the hell is wrong with you?

- Cody, stop it!

- What's going on?

- She started it.

- Holy sh*t.

- Oh my God.

- No, no, no. I'm sorry.

Listen, I can explain.

Listen.

- No, no, let's not blow this out of proportion.

- Oh my God.

No, no, no, no.

Relax, Sophie.

- I left my husband for you.

- Sophie, listen. Soph...

- I said it was hypothetical.

I don't have any footage.

I presented it as

a hypothetical situation.

I said the word like,

five times now.

Right?

So you guys are my witnesses.

You owe me a phone,

little brother.

- You son of a b*tch.

I'm gonna kill you.

- And that's

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes