Uncommon Law

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1

[BRENDAN] Much Ado About

Ditching blog entry 108.

I'm starting to think that

the dating pool has run dry.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Oh hell, I don't love myself

And I like you even less, oh well

I guess it's just as well

Now go on and save yourself

I had some feelings

darling, now I think I'm dead

You keep that brand new car

and the thoughts in your head

Just like my time with

you, me and all my friends

Were wasted

Give me some help help help

I need your help help help

I want help help help

I need your help

Shut up

I don't love no one

And maybe I left my body

And my skin's just warm

There is no reason

darling for another breath

Throw out those useless

words or keep them in your head

Just like your point of

view, me and all my friends

Are wasted

Somebody help help help

I need your help help help

I want help help help

I need your help

I had some feelings

darling now I think I'm dead

You keep the brand new car

and the thoughts in your head

Just like my time with

you, me and all my friends

Were wasted

I need your help

Help help help

Help help help

Help help help

I need your help

So what's up girl, you come here often?

That depends.

Give me both your lines, and

I'll pick the one I like best.

Huh?

Nobody who genuinely wants to know

if you're a regular asks

if you come here often.

So you've obviously got lines

ready for both yes and no.

Let's hear 'em.

Oh, um, I should...

You're not gonna get into

any panties with that one!

Alright, say I do come here often.

Nah, that's not true,

I'd recognize that ass anywhere.

Yeah, see, I'm sitting.

In a stool.

With a back.

So you don't improvise

well but my ass thanks you.

Does that mean...

Oh hold on Casanova.

Let's hear the other line first.

Ask me again.

You come here often?

Nope.

You want to?

Pardon?

You want to come often?

Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work.

Ah trust me, it works.

And we're not referring

to the same it, are we?

So what do you say, you

wanna get out of here?

Wow, jumping right to it.

Oh come on, I saw you

checkin' out the guns.

You know you want to

see the whole package.

Yeah, has anyone ever told you

you're good at reading people?

- Nope.

- I can't see why not.

I don't read much.

Oh, right.

I mean, what good did reading ever do?

You don't get to the top

burying your nose in a book.

Nah you gotta work for it.

That's why I'm in the gym

two hours a day every day.

You want to be the best,

you gotta look the best.

Okay, um.

This goes back to are you

gonna believe what you see,

or what I tell you?

Okay, I'm really sorry.

This is mostly just to

go bail out my friend.

Maybe...

Nah.

I mean sh*t, if Shakespeare

would've done a little P90X,

maybe he wouldn't have been so gay.

We gotta get out of here!

What happened to you?

Who's this douche dick?

My husband.

You want me to get rid of him for you?

Melissa, we've gotta go, now!

Why, what happened?

They found us, I don't

know how, but they found us!

What the hell's he talking about?

You don't mean, they?

Yes! I think I killed one of... they!

What?

I just, I blacked out again.

And when I came to...

I didn't mean to do it,

you've gotta believe me!

I really didn't!

We gotta run.

There's no telling how much

more time we have until,

they, find us.

Okay, okay, look, we gotta go.

But seriously, work on that line!

(LAUGHING)

Okay Brendan, what the hell was that?

It was a number four to the neck.

On the run from a secret

government agency out to kill us.

No, that's a four to the thigh!

A four to the neck is a

winning lottery ticket.

No no no, four to the neck,

secret government agency.

Neck, kill, you know?

It's to the thigh

because we're on the run.

Oh right.

Well then, why is the

lottery ticket to the neck?

Up to our necks in money.

(GROANS) Tomorrow we're

going over the codes again.

And I liked this shirt too.

I dunno, I think I'd go

crazy working in a cubicle.

I know delivering pizzas

isn't all that glamorous,

but still.

It's not that bad.

I mean, I spend most of

my day fixing computers

or doing basic things nobody over

the age of 40 can figure out.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Like what?

Oh you know, like when you...

Oh God he's here.

- Who?

- No, don't look!

He mustn't see me!

What is it, an ex?

Worse, my sworn enemy.

Lady Selyse of the Whispering Woods.

Sir Meryn of Villafont.

I see you've brought your toady with you.

Nuh-uh, I'm not his toady.

Shut up Kevin.

What brings you to this tavern?

Your land ends two leagues south of here.

I have found a new prince!

One who does not fear

your tyrannical reign!

Wait, fear his what?

He looks like no prince that I know.

Yes, he looks more like a princess!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Right, look, I think

it's probably a good idea...

Whoa, what the?

- Oh no.

- What?

Larpers.

I don't understand.

You know D&D?

It's like that, but with

an added dose of crazy.

(CHANTING IN LATIN)

Ah!

You can't do that,

that's a level seven spell.

So?

You don't have the points for that!

I defeated Bolgar

the Horrible last week.

(SCREAMING) Run!

Where were we?

Oh, right, tech support.

Yesterday, my boss called me in,

because he didn't know how to

get rid of the little paperclip guy.

Insane, right?

Yeah.

Help me.

Help me.

Oh, by the stars, what is that I see?

See what?

I do doth declare, a

dragon descends upon us!

Oh, a dragon, is it of

the red or blue flight?

Blue?

Oh, Balerion has

followed me from his lair.

Fear not, I shall vanquish the fiend!

Weep for me should I perish.

Are you okay?

I will never call you a nerd again.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Oh, no.

Okay Drunkles, I think you've had enough.

I can do it.

Present for you.

Don't drink.

You don't know what you're missing.

Well darn.

I was expecting her to say

something enlightening.

So, why don't you drink?

I don't do anything

that poisons my body.

Drugs, alcohol, tobacco, it's all garbage.

I can respect that.

Oh hey no, to each his own.

I'm not gonna judge ya for it.

See that's the thing a lot

of people don't understand.

It's not about telling people that...

[WAITRESS] Here's your burger.

Murderer!

You murder innocent animals you beast!

How do you sleep at night!

Sorry.

Sometimes I just lose it when I see

people eating the flesh

of living creatures.

Yeah, that's totally normal.

Well I think it's commendable

that you don't eat meat.

Yeah, I mean, I think if

more people thought like you,

the world would be a better place.

Absolutely.

- Meat is murder, right?

- Exactly.

If cannibalism is illegal,

why isn't a steak?

That is a totally reasonable comparison.

Don't you agree Melissa?

Yes, Brendan, completely reasonable.

It is such a relief to

find like-minded individuals.

What do you say we

teach the next carnivore

who comes in here a real lesson?

I can see how that is

in no way a bad idea.

What's up guys?

Cody, grab a seat man.

You are gonna love what

Melissa's date has to say.

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