Uncommon Law Page #2

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Oh yeah sure thing,

I just stopped by to get

a bite before I went home.

Oh hey, can I get a burger, rare?

Just chop it off the cow and

throw it on the bun. (LAUGHS)

That's for all the bovine Americans

who can't protect themselves! (LAUGHS)

I'll call ya.

Hey!

I hate you guys.

[BRENDAN NARRATION]

Another date tonight.

As usual, I've got Melissa on standby.

I can't believe you two are

still pullin' this sh*t man.

What, it's flawless.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, mostly flawless.

You two been doin' this

sh*t since high school.

And?

And that was 10 years ago.

You ever thought

about just tellin' girls

that you don't want to date them?

It's what they always say to me.

Sure, but you'd be surprised

how often that doesn't work.

Dude, you're takin' this sh*t too far.

We're not taking it too far.

You go to each other's dates.

Do you know how weird that is?

Only first dates.

That doesn't make it any better.

The dating scene is miserable Zabrina,

I'll take any advantage I can get.

So right.

I went on a date with a guy last week,

and he left because he said I

talked about myself too much.

I mean he's an accountant

and kind of boring,

so I wanted to talk about

something interesting.

You're not helping, Keri.

Look, I don't see what the big deal is.

You pretend to be married.

Not all the time.

- Often enough.

- What's wrong with that?

Aside from the obvious?

It's confusing as hell!

What's so confusing about it?

Aside from the obvious?

It took me three months to

realize you guys weren't married.

See?

Poor Wade can't handle that sh*t, man.

Lots of people pretend to be married.

Yeah pretend maybe,

but they don't make a lifestyle out of it.

We're not making it a lifestyle.

You're shopping for a ring

for a guy you're not even married to.

So?

It's bad enough you have rings

without buying them for each other.

Alright that was my fault.

I did the schizo wife bit last week,

got a little carried away, I

threw it into someone's soup.

- Maybe that was a sign.

- Sign of what?

That you're losing your damn mind!

If it's a sign, I

think you should take it.

I mean I always listen to

what my horoscope says.

Like this one time I went to New York

because my horoscope said that big things

were gonna happen to me, to meet an agent.

And when they wouldn't see me

I grabbed a street performer's mic

and started singing as loud as I could.

Did they let you in?

No.

But the restraining

order's only temporary,

so I think I'll try again next year.

I don't know what to do with that.

If you guys have such a hard

time trying to find someone,

why don't you just find each other?

Are you kidding?

We've got a good thing going,

I'm not gonna screw that up by dating her.

Oh please.

Do you know how much ass you've missed

because girls figured you were taken?

And you didn't think

to tell them I wasn't?

Are you kidding?

I've gotta get laid too, sh*t.

Well see I'm doing a community service.

No, community service would

be helping Wade get some.

The last three girls I've asked out

have all been lesbians.

Hey is that a new line?

Or has my gay-dar just sprung a leak?

But why the blog?

I mean isn't it weird that you're telling

the whole world about your little schemes?

It's not the whole world.

20,000 people.

(COUGHS)

20,000?

That's like Rhode Island.

No Wade, it isn't.

Nah, it's fun, and people like it.

I've sent out feelers to a few publishers,

gonna try and make a book out of it.

And you're okay with that?

Why not, it's funny.

You don't think about

what it makes you look like?

You should never worry about

what people think about you.

Because then you'll spend

every hour of every day

wondering if people like you or not,

and then you'll have to go to therapy,

then you'll spend years trying to

break down those barriers until finally

your therapist says he doesn't

wanna talk to you anymore.

How much is this?

Uh, don't worry about it.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hey nerd girl.

Hey yourself doughboy.

Did you fix the sink?

Uh yeah, next time don't pour

a whole thing of pancake

batter down there.

Well if you fixed the disposal

it wouldn't be a problem.

We don't have a disposal.

Yes we do, it's the

switch next to the toaster.

That's to the light over the sink.

There is no light over the sink.

Yes there is, there

just isn't a bulb in it.

Oh.

Well then you should put a bulb in it.

Well then you couldn't pretend

that we have an eerily silent disposal.

Okay.

Do we need milk?

Uh, yeah.

And pick up some more cookie dough.

I just made cookies.

Yeah, but Cody and Wade ate them all.

Alright.

Oh and uh, don't forget,

I've got dinner with that girl

from the deli tonight at eight.

Oh, need me there?

Yeah.

Alrighty, see you in a bit.

Alright, bye.

- What?

- What?

I knew from the moment I met you

that you were the one.

There was something in your eyes.

Or your smile! (LAUGHS)

Or your soul!

Oh, maybe that was it.

I saw it in your soul.

My soul, really.

Yes.

When I met you the other day,

there was no doubt about it.

We're gonna be married!

Married?

Yes!

I mean I'm sure of it.

And our first child will be a boy.

You have like this strong

manly quality about you.

So I know it'll be a boy.

And we'll call him Logan.

Logan is such a strong name.

What in the blue hell is going on here?

Melissa, how did you find me?

You penciled your little

whore date into your calendar.

Excuse me!

Brendy, what is going on here?

Brendy?

Only I call him Brendy.

I can explain.

Can you start by explaining

where your wedding ring is?

Wedding ring!

Well, I, see, well really...

I can't believe you would do this to me,

you selfish two-timing man b*tch!

When were you gonna

tell me you were married?

Soon.

Well how soon?

Before we were married?

Yes definitely before next week.

Ow!

So, what are we having?

Well she ordered the shrimp pasta.

Damn, I knew I didn't like her.

I feel like chicken.

Well I got the chicken.

Trade?

Trade.

- (LAUGHS)

- Really?

I mean the wine was a bit much.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

(VIDEO GAME GUNSHOTS)

Who's winning?

It's co-op.

Who's winning?

We're on the same team.

Who's winning!

Cody!

But every know and then, you know,

Brendan does manage to shoot something.

It's not my fault I have a job.

Hey, I've got a job.

Yeah, what's that?

Schoolin' your ass.

Ha, nice!

Oh sh*t!

Catch that, I haven't

gone through that stuff yet.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Expecting something?

Well Melissa is.

She submitted an article

to some science journal.

It's been unbearable waiting to hear back.

Uh, this looks official.

Who's it from?

The state.

Told you to pay your taxes.

It's addressed to

Brendan and Melissa Walker?

Huh?

It's got a seal and everything.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Walker

on your recent... marriage?

Dude, did you guys get married?

No.

State Department would like to inform you

that your marriage certificate

is now on file with the county,

we wish you all the best in

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