Uncommon Law Page #3

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your common law marriage?

That's not like an

actual marriage, is it?

It's kind of like playing house?

I'm not sure.

Common law marriage.

Is that kind of like gay marriage

except for straight people?

No, it's real.

Common law marriage is when two people

have been living together

for a long ass time

and they act like

they're husband and wife.

How do you know anything...

Look just because my dad

forced me to go to law school

does not mean I slept through it.

That can't be right.

We don't act like we're married.

Dude, are you serious?

Yes.

I mean we joke around but,

we don't act like husband and wife.

Alright, well show me your wedding ring.

- What?

- Your ring, let's see it.

Okay, but you know it's not real.

Well how many people out

there think that it is?

Maybe one or two.

Dude, did you not think there were

gonna be questions when

you buy yourself a ring

and started wearing it around?

I didn't buy myself a ring.

Oh, don't tell me.

She bought it for me.

Holy sh*t!

You're really married!

Melissa is not gonna

be happy about this.

Dude Melissa's not the one

you should be worried about.

What?

Who are you texting right now?

Now, the whole process of turning coal

into a diamond doesn't happen overnight.

It takes thousands and thousands of years

of heat and pressure to occur.

What if Superman did it?

Superman has laser

eyes, that'd be cheating.

Well, what if the Hulk was in a sauna?

Are you serious?

Do you know what kind of damage the Hulk

could create in an

enclosed space like that?

You're married?

I'll be right back.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Did you hear that?

Who do you think it is?

Is it that guy?

Zabrina, what are you doing?

It's not fair.

I was supposed to be your maid of honor.

Now I'm just a maid.

I have no honor, Melissa.

Who did you talk to?

Cody called me.

I can't believe you

got married without me!

I'm not married!

Okay, I'm married, but

I didn't get married!

To Brendan?

Yes, no!

This is all one big mistake.

A mistake is wearing two

different colored socks.

I don't know what this is.

Well, join the club.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was hoping I wouldn't have to.

Look, we're gonna talk to Cody's dad today

and see if we can get out of this.

Okay.

But are you sure this is what you want?

'Course I'm sure,

why wouldn't I be sure?

It's just that I know

how you feel about him.

Isn't this what you wanted?

Yes, but not like this.

But this is perfect.

All we have to do is just slip in

a few hints here and there,

or wear something sexy

around the apartment.

Zabrina.

Or walk around naked, even better!

I am not going to walk around naked.

Why not?

You're allowed to.

He's your husband.

He's my husband, but to

him, I'm just a friend.

Wait, aren't you supposed

to be at work right now?

Are you kidding?

I was out of the door the

minute Cody called me.

And you're not worried

about being fired?

No, not with the photos I

have of my boss and her intern.

Z...

What, I mean,

other than having that

image burned in my brain,

it's the best thing that

ever happened to me.

What did I say?

I don't know how you two managed it,

but this is the real deal.

You're husband and wife.

This cannot be happening!

We weren't even in Vegas!

Or drunk.

It's not that bad.

Common law marriage has

all the same benefits.

And besides, you can have a

ceremony for friends and family.

We're not engaged!

Not anymore, no.

We never were engaged.

Are you sure?

I'm fairly certain I'd remember.

Look, how do we get out of this?

You could have a divorce,

just like any other marriage.

Divorce, no, no no no.

I can't get divorced before I turn 30.

You can wait a few years.

My mom's gonna kill me.

She's gonna string me

up and flay me alive.

I thought your mom liked me.

That's why she's going to kill me.

You met my brother-in-law,

I cannot get divorced before my sister.

Here, take that.

Is this a pardon?

No it's Cody's rent check.

Don't give it to him until

he gets you out of this.

You're asking us to put

our lives in Cody's hands?

I mean no offense, but...

He's a complete screw up, maybe.

But if he thinks I'm cuttin' him off,

he'll get off his ass.

Do you think he can handle it?

The boy may be lazy,

but he can handle just about

anything if he sets his mind to it.

It'll be okay, he'll help us out.

I don't doubt his

friendship, just his drive.

Can't you hack his

Warcraft account until we...

Until...

Brendan why is there rice

on the living room floor?

Um.

Because it's your wedding!

Surprise!

Oh!

Hey.

People throw grains of rice, not bags.

Yeah, that's be a b*tch to clean up.

We're considerate.

Funny, not the word I was thinking.

(LAUGHING) Alright you two.

There'll be plenty of time for

you love birds to bicker later.

Right now we've got to do this up proper.

- We're not...

- Wade, hold his ass down.

Can't have you hurtin' yourself.

Besides, you'll thank us later.

Or maybe now.

(ELECTRIC DANCE MUSIC)

Now, Brendan, it occurred to us

that you got married without

having a bachelor party.

I never got married.

Technicality.

We aim to remedy the hell

out of that situation.

Woo, yeah!

Guys, this really isn't necessar....

On the other hand I know

how much it means to you.

Yeah, I thought you might.

You're cute.

I uh, thank you?

Shame you're taken though.

Oh no, I'm actually not.

They all say that.

Okay, married or not,

you can't keep her.

Aw, pretty please?

And you might wanna see some

ID before that bra comes off.

- (LAUGHING)

- That's pretty funny, huh?

Brendan getting molested? Oh yeah.

Well, that's not all.

It's a two for one deal.

Yeah.

Cooped up in that school

with those kids all day?

- You need this.

- Yeah! (LAUGHING)

And so do I.

Oh no, not you again.

Oh, look who it is.

Turner and douche, still

runnin' from the feds?

Shouldn't you be mixing up

a roofie-colada about now?

Yeah, I got your

roofie-colada right here.

So how do you take it, shaken or stirred?

Strained through a rusty colander.

Oh come on baby,

I know you're ready for the whole package.

I'd rather return it for a gift card.

Yeah whatever, I know

you're a science teacher.

You ready for your anatomy lesson?

Alright alright that's

enough debauchery, let's go.

Aw, but I've been good all year.

Buh-bye.

Aw, can we bring the girl back?

[CODY] No.

Aw, but I've never met a stripper

who didn't have cigarette burns.

[MELISSA] Down boy.

[CODY] Oh wait wait, I've

got a sack full of pennies.

No, they charge by the hour.

(VIOLIN PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)

Evidently there's a

violinist behind our couch.

(MELISSA SNICKERING)

Oh, sorry.

(CLEARS THROAT)

We are gathered here today

to celebrate the death of Brendan Walker

and Melissa Clark's ability to get laid.

Woo!

Does anyone object?

- Yes.

- Yes!

No? Fantastic!

- Brendan, do you?

- No.

- Melissa, do you?

- No.

That's awesome.

I know pronounce you guys man and wife.

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