Uncommon Law Page #4

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Get you some.

Yeah, no.

Come on man, back in caveman days,

you club her over the

head and you're married.

A smooch isn't too much to ask for.

I am not going to kiss him.

Melissa, everyone's watching.

That's kind of the point.

I gotta do everything around here.

There, you two are married.

And Z and I are I think

cousins or something,

I dunno how that works.

Yeah, so are we done?

Done? No way.

You still have the reception.

And the dancing.

Cake!

And the sex.

Oh is the girl coming back?

Yeah, I don't think you're

gonna have time for that.

And why is that?

Because you're on the clock.

What's that?

Your rent check.

I don't live here.

No, you live in a much nicer apartment.

With much higher rent.

With rent that's paid by your father.

And we just so happen to be

in possession of that rent check.

But...

Yeah, you'll get it after

you finalize our divorce.

Congratulations, you just

got your first clients.

Better get to work on that,

it's almost the first of the month.

In the meantime, I need to get to work.

Whoever wants pizza, follow me.

(PLAYFUL VIOLIN MUSIC)

But I like pizza too.

(SAD VIOLIN MUSIC)

Oh, shut up.

She just bailed on you?

Not only did she leave me

with an apartment I can't afford,

but she still owes me two months rent.

Ouch.

Anything you can do about it?

I do know where her boyfriend lives,

so if all else fails, I

can run her down in my car.

Vehicular manslaughter?

I know, I'm going soft.

So uh, any word on your article?

No.

Four to six weeks, my ass.

At this point I'm just waiting

for the rejection letter.

Oh, you can't think of it like that.

I mean, as a singer, I

always deal with rejection.

You just have to keep trying.

Thanks Carrie.

Yeah even if they tell you

they never want to see you again.

Well I submitted through the mail, so...

Even if they cut you off in the

middle of your song right

before your big finish.

Well, that doesn't really apply in my...

Just tell them to

stick it if they tell you

that you're a no-talent hack and

you should move to Antarctica

so that nobody has to hear you again.

So.

Keri?

How was your audition today?

Oh.

I mean it took them five minutes

to call security this time,

so I think I'm wearing them down.

(SIGHS) This is messed up man.

I mean, this changes everything.

It doesn't change anything, Wade.

I mean, we're supposed

to be wingmen together.

If we're both wingmen,

who's getting laid?

You know, the wingman.

Dude, I don't think you

know how that works at all.

Besides, Melissa's always been my wingman.

Not anymore.

Your wife's not gonna

help you cheat on her.

And it wouldn't be cheating,

because we're not together.

But you're married.

Only technically.

Technically's good

enough. I won the pool.

What pool?

You know, for how long

until you guys got together.

You guys were taking bets on

if Melissa and I would hook up?

- No, of course.

- Good.

We were betting on when.

(WADE LAUGHING)

We're going Brendan, see you at home.

Alright, see ya.

Bye, see you guys later!

Oh my God!

Are you alright?

- Here.

- I'm fine.

Ouch.

Um, look, I've got some

bandages in my car.

If you want I could fix that up for you.

No, it's alright.

If I bleed to death from a small scratch

I shouldn't be allowed

to survive and procreate.

Melissa Clark, right?

Yes, have we met?

Jake Russell?

We went to high school together.

You sat in front of me in AP physics.

Oh, hi!

I'm sorry, I didn't...

I would've spent my time

in that class with my head in a book.

Oh I remember.

It was always nice when you looked up.

Oh my God, I said that out loud, didn't I?

You did.

I didn't realize I was catch

a glimpse material back then.

Uh, yeah!

Look this might be a

little out of the blue,

but would you like to

get something to eat?

I actually just ate.

Oh, right.

Well, how 'bout a drink then?

I probably shouldn't.

You're married, right?

No!

Yes, no, I...

Kind of?

Kind of?

You know how someone marries a friend

in order to get him a visa?

Oh yeah.

Well it's nothing like

that, but it's close.

You haven't changed a bit.

Well, it was good to see you.

Yeah, you too.

(LAUGHING)

Look, since you won't

let me get you a drink,

at least let me patch you up.

I don't want you to remember me

as the guy who left you with a bloody arm.

I suppose you could do that.

I mean it was your fault after all.

Oh, entirely.

(MELISSA LAUGHS)

[MRS. WALKER] I can't believe you

didn't tell me you got married.

[BRENDAN] Yes mom, I should've told you.

I had to find out on Facebook.

On Facebook!

I'm sorry!

Cody changed my relationship status.

I'll kill him later.

That's not the point.

I should have been your first call.

Well, my first call was to Cody's dad.

- To Cody's...

- Because he's a lawyer, mom.

I didn't want this.

It just sort of happened.

Oh God.

What?

She's pregnant isn't she?

What, no!

Brendan how many times have

I told you to use a condom?

Ugh, no mom.

Just no.

- I'm serious.

- So am I.

I did not sleep with Melissa.

Well good, she's a nice girl,

and doesn't deserve to get

knocked up because you're careless.

I agree.

Thank you for the vote of confidence.

I just worry, that's all.

I know.

But Melissa's not pregnant.

We're not really married.

And the 17 girls I have knocked up

all think my name is Eduardo.

So I think I'm pretty safe there.

Honey you don't even

look like an Eduardo.

That's why I have the fake

mustache and bag of cocaine.

Just as long as you're

aware. I love you.

I love you too mom.

We need to take him in

for a little snip snip,

what do you say?

(DOG WHINES)

God I hate the internet.

(KNOCKING)

Why?

(KNOCKING)

Hey man, I've got some good news, and...

You've been smothered to death, great.

(BRENDAN GROANING)

What?

(BRENDAN GROANING)

What?

Ow!

What was that for!

Facebook.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Anyway, good news?

Oh yeah, turns out, the

sanctity of marriage is dead.

That might be the most depressing

good news I've heard all day.

No seriously, do you realize how many

people are getting divorced these days?

It's kind of ridiculous.

So you can do it?

Dude a blind goat with a

broken typewriter can do it.

But can you do it?

Piece of cake.

But there is something you guys

can do to make my job easier.

Yeah, what's that?

One of you needs to move out.

What?

It'll be easier to

prove you aren't married

if you aren't living together.

Serious?

See if you're still living together,

then they might shoot

it down on the grounds

that you're still white-washing her fence.

Oh come on man, we never...

Yeah I know, but tell it to the jury.

If there is a jury.

I haven't gotten that far yet.

I've been living with Melissa

since we graduated high school.

It was just assumed that

we'd always be roommates.

Can't even a remember a

time not living with her.

I'm sorry dude but, if

you want this divorce,

something's gotta change.

Yeah, right.

Can I have food now?

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