Uncut Gems Page #15

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NOAH:

Not one. Paul’s good, but he’s not awinner all the way like that.

EDDIE:

Show me one thing that says CP3 is awinner.

AARON:

I dunno, the Olympics.

GOOEY:

EDDIE, NOAH, ENOUGH!

HOWARD received an incoming text from JULIA. It’s a craigslistlink to a listing for a one bedroom apartment. He clicks thelink and flips through the photos in the listing.

DINAH:

Howard.

HOWARD looks up at DINAH.

DINAH (CONT’D)

Where are you?

GOOEY:

Ok, Natalie you’re up.

NATALIE:

Wait, you skipped my dad.

ARNO:

What page are we on?

GOOEY:

Howard, why don’t you take theplagues?

HOWARD exchanges a quick, terse glance with ARNO.

HOWARD:

Ok.

95.

GOOEY:

Page 14.

HOWARD flips to page fourteen and stands up.

HOWARD:

Ma, you read the Hebrew and I’ll say

‘em in English.

For every plague that HOWARD says, he dips his pinky into aglass of wine and places a drop of wine onto his plate.

RUTH:

Dam.

HOWARD:

Blood.

RUTH:

Tsifardeah.

HOWARD:

Frogs.

RUTH:

Kinim.

HOWARD:

Lice.

RUTH:

Shkhin.

HOWARD:

Boils.

RUTH:

Barad.

HOWARD:

Hail.

RUTH:

Arbeh.

HOWARD:

Locusts.

RUTH:

Choshech.

HOWARD:

Darkness.

96.

RUTH:

Makat B’chorot.

HOWARD:

Death of the first born....

HOWARD addresses the kid’s table.

HOWARD (CONT’D)

Better watch yourself, kids. That canstill happen.

Everyone in the room laughs. Everyone but ARNO, who stares atHOWARD with steely intensity.

INT. GOOEY’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - AFTER

HOWARD, cellphone to his ear, walks through a crowded kitchen.

A woman washes dishes, another is setting up dessert, a nannyfeeds a baby in a height-chair at a dinette. HOWARD crossesthe room and exits onto a hallway.

INT. GOOEY’S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

HOWARD’s call goes to voicemail.

HOWARD:

(into phone, hushed)

Oh! So you send me something like thatand then you don’t pick up thephone!?! You f***ing with me?

HOWARD turns into the first open doorway.

INT. GOOEY’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM

HOWARD enters a guest bathroom.

HOWARD:

I’m trying to enjoy a nice peacefultime with my family, which youwouldn’t understand, cause you don’thave one. I don’t need you playingmind games with me!

While talking, HOWARD steps onto an electronic scale, checkshis weight.

HOWARD (CONT’D)

So whatever you meant by your littlelink, I meant what I said.

(MORE)

97.

HOWARD (CONT’D)

I want you out of my apartmenttonight. And I want confirmation. In atext. Not a link. A text message.

“Howard, I will be out by 10pm”.

That’s it. Don’t you f***ing call me!

HOWARD hangs up and opens the door. ARNO is standing therewaiting for the bathroom.

HOWARD (CONT’D)

Look....Arno.... This is so stupid.

We’re here, we’re family, can’t wejust sit down and try to talk thisout?

ARNO:

Out of my way.

ARNO brushes past him into the bathroom. HOWARD pushes againstthe door so that ARNO can’t close it. ARNO pushes back.

HOWARD:

See? You’re not so tough without yourboys around.

ARNO closes the door and locks it.

HOWARD (CONT’D)

F***in’ p*ssy.

INT. GOOEY’S APARTMENT - TRUMP TOWER - DEN - AFTER

C.U. tv screen:
live broadcast of Celtics/Sixers game.

HOWARD and GOOEY sit on a massive plush couch watching thegame and smoking cigars. Nearby, AARON and NOAH chiefcigarettes and scroll through their phones.

NOAH:

You love our roster!??!

AARON:

I love it!

NOAH:

Baron Davis is done. We gotta startfresh. Melo, Amare, that’s it-

ARON:

What about Lin? You gotta bring backLin!

98.

HOWARD:

You know why Lin’s not coming backnext year? Cause Dolan saw how happyeverybody f***ing was and said ‘howcan I ruin that?’

NOAH:

Exactly! Howard f***ing knows.

ARON:

You realize that I met my wife at thefirst game that started Linsanity!

NOAH:

Oh, so we should never trade him then?

GOOEY spies ARNO talking to his wife IDA out in the hallway.

They’re conversation is not audible but clearly contentious.

NOAH (CONT’D)

Howard, who’d you have tonight?

HOWARD:

Me? No one.

AARON:

Bull-f***ing-sh*t.

GOOEY continues watching ARNO. He leans in towards HOWARD.

GOOEY:

(motioning towards Arno)

Know what he said to me before? He

walks up and says “happy holidays",

like it's Christmas.

HOWARD:

Eh, what'r ya gonna do.

GOOEY:

It's like having an intruder in yourhome.

HOWARD:

Come on, Gooey. It's fine, he's notbothering anybody.

GOOEY:

Easy for you to say, he didn’t marryyour daughter.

(seeing ARNO approach)

Shhh.

99.

ARNO plops down on the end of the couch and takes out acigarette. HOWARD offers him a light but declines and uses hisown lighter instead. HOWARD and GOOEY awkwardly turn theirattention back to the game.

C.U. TV screen:
KG stands at the side of the court, lookingextremely frustrated.

GOOEY (CONT’D)

KG, huh?

HOWARD:

He’s off. Three for eleven?

GOOEY:

He looks tortured.

HOWARD:

F***in’ guy tried to steal an opalfrom me.

GOOEY:

Your opal? It came?

HOWARD glances over to ARNO. ARNO stares back, cold,

expressionless.

HOWARD:

Yeah, it came. Stupidly, I lent it tohim and he wouldn’t give it back.

GOOEY:

What do you mean? He took it? He stoleit?

HOWARD:

No. It wasn’t like that. He just gotcarried away. He thinks it has magic

powers.

NOAH:

Magic powers!?!

GOOEY:

Not really?!

HOWARD:

Well, you saw him tonight. He didn’thave it tonight and look how bad heplayed. He wants to own it. So I tellhim come to the auction and bid for it

like everyone else.

ARNO listens intently, taking long drags on his cig.

100.

GOOEY:

When is this auction?

HOWARD:

Monday.

GOOEY:

Ok, so what do you think it’s worth?

HOWARD:

Well, anywhere from a thousand tothree thousand a carat, and the thingis 600 carats.

GOOEY:

Jesus christ! Hahahaha. That’s over a

million dollars!

(to the rest of the room)

He’s rich!!!!

HOWARD:

Not as rich as Gooey! But I’m workinon it.

GOOEY:

Who’s comparing? Rich is rich.

HOWARD:

Look, I made a crazy gamble and, thankGod, it’s about to pay off.

HOWARD sends ARNO a quick sidelong wink.

A pack of children, including BENI, run into the room andstart manically searching it; pulling up sofa cushions,

looking under furniture, etc.

HOWARD pokes BENI and silently nods towards the corner of theroom. BENI runs in that direction.

GOOEY:

You’re getting warmer!... Warmer...

Hot... Red hot....

BENI reaches under a chaise lounge and pulls out the Afikoman:

a piece of matzo wrapped in velvet cloth. The room erupts intocheer.

HOWARD:

THAT’S MY BOY!!!!!

101.

INT. GOOEY’S APARTMENT - TRUMP TOWER - HALLWAY - AFTER

HOWARD walks down a long carpeted hallway. BENI and a coupleof cousins come running from the opposite end.

HOWARD:

Beni, start getting ready, we’releaving soon.

Laughter is audible from the master bedroom. HOWARD stops inthe doorframe and sees DINAH, MARCEL, RACHEL and NATALIE

laughing their asses off. The girls have dressed DINAH up inher original bat-mitzvah dress [pink, shiny, sequined, very1980s]. RACHEL turns to HOWARD, tears of laughter in her eyes.

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