Under The Tuscan Sun Page #2

I'm not.

Okay, promise me

you'll think about it.

I'll think about it.

Okay.

I got a feeling about you.

- Are you looking for a place?

- Yeah, I guess.

- You getting a divorce?

- What?

We got short-term apartments.

But don't worry.

Some stay for years.

We got a writer.

We got a doctor.

The doctor could help you

straighten out your life.

Hey!

Sorry.

It's okay.

- Do you want to come over?

- No!

Maybe later.

Maybe later.

Oh!

Hello?

Patti, when do I leave?

Hi, I'm David.

This is your driver, Eduardo.

And you are "Gay & Away"!

And welcome to your first day

of a romantic tour of Tuscany.

Now, I saw most of you getting

to know each other on the plane.

But I wanted to make sure

you've all met Frances.

Hey, Frances.

- Now, Frances is straight.

- Oh, poor girl.

And she just survived

a terrible divorce.

And according to her friend

Patti, she needs our support.

So, Frances, why don't you stand

up, and let everyone say hello?

No.

Come on.

Hi!

You're the bachelor, Frances.

Have some fun!

Okay, everyone,

follow the flower.

Good God, I cannot believe

it is raining.

Okay, everyone, we're here!

Yeah! Okay!

Oops.

Sorry.

You're empty.

You need a little more?

Whoo!

You want more wine?

- Little more vino?

- Excuse me.

- Can a black gal get a drink?

- Yes, she can.

Frances, little more?

Mm-hmm.

You've got to loosen up, honey.

We having a party!

Buongiorno.

Si.

What?

Pretty awesome, isn't it?

Yes, I think you could say that.

Pretty awesome.

God, how am I gonna get

through all of these?

I mean, how do you begin

to describe all of this?

If you have a pen,

I could write it for you.

Are you a good writer?

I used to be.

All right.

Well, have a go.

To my mom.

Dear Mom.

Dear Mom.

It's market day in Cortona.

The piazza is an ongoing party,

and everyone is invited.

Clichs converge

at this navel of the world.

You almost want to laugh,

but you can't help feeling

these Italians know more

about having fun than we do.

I eat a hot grape

from the market,

and the violet sweetness

breaks open in my mouth.

It even smells purple.

I wish I could stay longer, but

the bell reminds me of time.

"Ding-dang-dong," the bell

says, instead of "ding-dong."

- I wish you were here.

- Love...

Rodney.

Thanks.

"It even smells like purple"?

My mom will never believe

I wrote this.

Keep it.

"Ding-dang-dong goes the bell."

I'm sorry.

Bramasole.

"Bramasole."

It's a nice little villa.

Rather run-down, but redeemable.

Are you going to buy it?

No, no, no.

I'm just a tourist

here for the day.

So?

Well, who wouldn't want to buy

a villa in Tuscany?

But the way my life's been going

that would be a terrible idea.

A terrible idea.

Mm-hmm.

Don't you just love those?

Sorry, everybody.

Unscheduled stop.

Look at the sheep.

Oh, my gosh.

Stop the bus!

Stop the bus!

Hello?

Hello?

Sh*t.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can I help you, signora?

Yes, I thought

the house was for sale.

Oh, no.

The house is for sale.

But, unfortunately,

someone's already buying it.

We like it very much,

and we'll buy it today.

Very good.

One moment please.

Excuse me.

They want it.

They agree on the price.

So soon?

Then we asked too little.

Ask for 20 million lire more,

at least.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm afraid that there has

been a change in the price.

It is now 20 million lire

more expensive.

Why? It didn't get

more valuable in five minutes.

The contessa feels

she has asked too little

since you agreed to buy it.

That logic is absurd.

Excuse me?

What is the price?

Are you bidding against us?

Wait.

We accept the new price.

No, this is a beautiful house.

And whoever wants it

has to pay double.

The contessa says that

since there is so much

interest in the house,

the price is now double.

Since the last 10 seconds?

Normale.

You greedy Americans.

You think you're so entitled.

You ruin everything.

A lot of us feel

really badly about that.

We're going.

We'll look in Provence.

Fascists!

And her?

How much will she pay?

We'll see.

Is it really double the price?

I can't pay double the price.

But please tell the contessa

that this is what I got for

my house recently in dollars.

Minus the work on the place.

Hammers, buckets.

Men.

Chocolate.

And a rental car

to drive off a cliff

when this all turns out

to have been a terrible mistake.

That's what I can pay.

Signora.

You've not even seen the house.

Oh.

Well.

Well, I...

I can't go back

to San Francisco.

No.

No.

I'm sorry, signora.

The contessa's family lived here

for generations,

so understandably it is

very difficult for her to sell.

Money is not the only issue.

She needs--

A sign.

I understand.

I believe in signs, too.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh!

- Oh.

- Oh.

Please.

What did she say?

In Italy, what happened to you

is a very good sign.

- It is?

- Yes.

And now... would you

like to see the house?

First, we open an account.

Then you transfer the money.

Here is the legal description.

"Two oxen, two days."

- I'm sorry.

- It's old-fashioned.

The land is measured by

how long it would take two oxen

to plow it.

Oh.

Oh, that makes sense.

Just like that?

Before the money's

been transferred?

It's a house, not a Vespa.

What are you going to do,

steal it?

Besides, Signor Martini

likes you.

Okay. We'll take care

of the rest later.

Normale.

Normale?

Normale.

Normale.

I have bought a house

in a foreign country.

A house and the land it takes

two o xen two days to plow.

Not having a plow or an o x,

I'll have to take their word

on that.

Buyer's remorse is

a very common affliction

among new homeowners.

Just because you have

a sudden urge to weep,

that doesn't mean

you've made a mistake.

Everybody knows old houses

have their quirks.

Especially 300-year-old houses.

I have inherited 10, 000

empty wine bottles, one grape,

every issue of "La Nazione"

printed in 1958,

and assorted previous tenants.

Ugh!

The trick to overcoming buyer's

remorse is to have a plan.

Pick one room

and make it yours.

Go slowly through the house.

Be polite, introduce yourself,

so it can introduce itself

to you.

You did what?

Frances bought a house

in Tuscany!

And you're gonna

live there alone?

Well, I'm not there alone.

I'm there with bugs.

- How's the belly?

- It's growing.

I can't believe you did this.

Did you already sign?

Yes.

Why? What?

You think I shouldn't have?

Are you telling me

I made a mistake?

- I don't know. Did you?

- Well, I don't know.

You're the one who made

the "empty-shell person" speech.

Oh, yeah.

That was me.

Okay. Wow!

You bought a villa in Tuscany!

- So, what's the place like?

- It needs a little work.

- Well, who's gonna do it?

- I am.

You are?

I never realized

you were so handy.

I can do things.

Remember, I fixed that drain?

The drain in your kitchen?

No, that was me.

I handed you the rubber thingy.

The plunger?

That was Tom.

I can't believe it.

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