Under The Yum Yum Tree Page #12

- Let's take it from the beginning.

- Let's not take it from the beginning!

- I don't want to know.

- David, just calm down.

Well, what about me? I want to know!

I sure want to know about it.

I sure want to know what I did.

Has it gotten so bad

I don't know when I do or when I don't?

Merciful heavens,

when that goes, what's left?

I would have sworn

I had my arms around someone last night.

Morning.

- Irene, what are you doing here?

- I do keep popping up, don't I?

Oh, good Lord!

I not only don't know "if,"

I don't even know "who"!

Sorry, I was worried about you last night.

Honestly, everybody's so darned concerned

about my well-being.

Will you please listen to me?

I came because I didn't want you and Dave

to start off life on the wrong foot.

I saw that sex trap you set for her

last night.

Sex trap?

Honey, somebody had to watch out

for your welfare,

to see that you didn't drown

in your own experiments.

Well, for your information, Irene,

not that it's any of your business,

- but I left early last night.

- Well, when I got here, you were both gone.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

I was out, walking all night long, thinking.

Well, the place was empty,

except for this miserable creature,

sprawled half-on, half-off the bed

in alcoholic stupor!

I put his feet up to make him comfortable,

and what does he do?

Out cold, mind you,

and he still makes a pass!

I knew it! I knew there was somebody!

I wasn't having hallucinations.

What makes you think so, you worm?

First, he calls me Robin.

Then that doesn't work,

he goes right on down the list.

- Cheryl, Ericka, Monique, Liz.

- Irene, I beg you,

tell me what happened

when I got to "Irene"?

By that time, you big ape,

I had all I could do to keep

from braining you, drunk or sober.

Robin, take the advice of an older

and wiser woman,

pack your things and get out of here now.

Wait, just... I'm the landlord around here.

- You mean to tell me that I didn't...

- Shut up and leave us alone!

- This is very important to me.

- Out!

- Do you mean to tell me...

- Out!

You're worried about them,

what about my emotional security?

Before I get out of your lives forever,

I'm going to give you one last lecture.

Robin, love isn't a mechanical arrangement

worked out over laundry tubs and ovens

and sharing bathrooms together.

The attitude of love

is to wish each other well.

To cook for him and darn his socks

and take care of him when he's sick

because you wish him well.

And for you, David, to work for her,

and forgive her when she's a boob,

to put up with all the makeup on your coat

and the car fenders she'll dent

and her moments of bad temper

because you wish her well.

Love doesn't suddenly drop from a tree

and stay with you forever.

Just like any other husband and wife,

you're going to have to create love

each and every day of your lives.

Now go on and get married

and start living together properly.

I love you, you silly puss!

And you take care of her or I'll brain you.

Irene. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- I don't want to talk to you.

- Now, wait a minute. Come on.

- It's over.

- Are you mad?

- Out of my way, insect!

- Now wait.

Why did you come back last night?

- You're afraid to admit it.

- All right, all right.

I'll tell you what you're just dying to hear.

I might as well get it said once and for all.

I used to be in love with you,

you poor jackass!

- But you never told me.

- Why I felt love for you

I will never, never know.

You are a liar, a drunk, a lech,

and one of the most ridiculous men

I have ever met in my life!

The girl is mad about me.

Hey, Irene? Hey, are you all right?

Goodbye, sin bin.

- It's all over now, finally.

- Good.

Irene, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You can't walk out on me now.

She's the one woman

who ever cared enough to tell me off.

You should have heard

what she called me in there. Beautiful!

Cut me into little pieces

and ground me right into the dirt.

Well, something tells me you'll recover.

From this moment on,

you're going to see a brand new Hogan.

- I doubt if we'll be around.

- Work, work, work, Irene,

and we're going to do it together.

You and me.

- Bye, Hogan.

- Goodbye?

- You're finally out of my system.

- Work, work, work, Hogan.

But you can't leave me now. That's not fair.

It's wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

- Goodbye, Hogan.

- What?

I'll be back for my things

after the honeymoon.

Yeah, goodbye, old pal. I bequeath to you

my barbells and my golf clubs.

Now, give my best to Plato.

- Yeah, well...

- Bye-bye.

- Ungrateful females, every one of them.

- Hold it. Here comes another one.

- What does that mean?

- Maybe this will give you the general idea.

Well, you, too? Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. We're like a team.

You're like my mother.

You wouldn't leave me.

Mother's left. Clean up your own mess

from now on. Come on, Murph.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hogan. It wasn't my idea.

Personally, you're aces with me,

and I sure admire the way you...

Murph!

I forgot my tools, honey.

I'll meet you at the bus stop.

- Come on.

- I'll miss you, ace.

All right, go ahead, walk out on me.

Every one of you.

Desert the sinking ship.

Well, fine, go ahead.

Who needs you?

I can get along without any of you.

I'm going to lead a life of celibacy.

I can get along without women.

Young man?

Are there premises available for rent here?

- From now on, I rent only to men.

- Well, you don't have to be rude.

I'll look elsewhere for my girls.

Girls?

Well, here we go again.

Hello, there, my name is Hogan.

Careful there. Careful now.

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