Unhinged in Hollywood

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"Oh and another chair to The Voice, this year i want it to be 33% voicer. Go! Have a great show Bubba J."

Bubba J:
Thank you, what show?

"Good luck tonight Walter."

Walter:
Oh look it's the network pinhead.

"Knock em dead Peanut."

Peanut:
Loser says what?

"What?"

Jeff Dunham:
Hang on.

"Jeff we need to talk."

Jeff Dunham:
So what's the problem?

"We are concerned about Achmed The Dead Terrorist being on the show."

Jeff Dunham:
People love Achmed.

"This isn't just about numbers Jeff, quite frankly we feel like he's unreliable.

Jeff Dunham:
He's in his dressing room.

"No i was just in there, he's flow the coupe, AWOL. Not here."

Achmed:
Not here? Hey!

Jeff Dunham:
Not here?

"I know."

Jeff Dunham:
Achmed?

Achmed:
What is the meaning of this? I keel you, what are you doing? No no, let me go back-

Jeff Dunham:
I guess we'll just do the show without him.

Achmed:
But Jeff would never do the show without me.

(Title Card)

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jeff Dunham!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

Jeff Dunham:
Thank you so much. Thank you very much.

Have a seat. Oh my gosh. Ladies and gentlemen, it does

not get any better than this, right here at the Dolby Theater

in Hollywood, California!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff Dunham:
This is fantastic and I... I have to tell you,

you know, this is right here, they have the Oscars,

the Academy Awards. Plenty of adult

beverages?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff Dunham:
And a middle-aged guy on stage,

arguing with his dolls. It's a magical night, ladies and gentlemen.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff Dunham:
But I am a ventriloquist, for those of you who might not have figured that out yet. And people ask me all the time,

"Jeff, why this, as a career?" Well, I've never done

anything else. I taught myself ventriloquism in the third grade, got a dummy, and just kept practicing. I didn't have any brothers and sisters, so there was no one

there to tell me that what I was doing was incredibly lame.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
And since I was adopted, I guess my parents were like, "Not our fault. "

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
As a kid, I didn't know it was weird to be a ventriloquist. But I got picked on for it. The good part was the bullies didn't know who to stuff in the gym locker first, me or the freaking doll.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
As for my parents, they were supportive of my hobby. But when I was a kid, if I said something stupid, my father would go, "Stop talking out of your butt!" Ironically, that could be a whole new bit in my show. A little muffled voice, "Let me out." I'm working on it. By the time junior high rolled around, to make matters worse, not only was I a ventriloquist, but I also chose

to play the trombone. Yep, the babes were lined up for that. So, in school I had braces. I played the trombone,

and I carried around a dummy. Even the nerds were like,

"Dude, you can't sit with us."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
I'm not kidding, the short school bus started picking me up simply cause the driver

figured he was supposed to. After I graduated

from college, I moved out to Los Angeles, got married, had three girls, and because it was part of our everyday lives, I guess my girls thought that what I did for a living was not unusual. One day when my youngest daughter

was playing at a friend's house, she turned to the other kid and goes, "Where are your daddy's dolls?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
True story. But my daughters are now young women. I'm remarried, I'm the luckiest guy on the planet to have my wife, Audrey. When we got married. I knew I came with a lot of baggage. There's an ex-wife, three daughters, six talking dummies. Try putting that

on your Match.com profile.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
But we're here tonight because my act

has taken me places I'd never thought possible. We've done shows in South Africa, Abu Dhabi, Israel, Malaysia

and places where they can barely speak English. Like France and southern California.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff Dunham:
But they even want me in China. Heck yeah. I'll go to China. And then I can see the factory where small children make my Jeff Dunham merchandise.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING AND BOOING)

Jeff Dunham:
Oh, like Santa Claus is any freaking different. But I'm kidding, all of my merchandise is made right here in the good ol' U.S of A.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff Dunham:
Including the little stickers on the back that say, "Made in China." But...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
You guys ready for the little people in the boxes?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff Dunham:
The first guy i would like to introduce, i think audiences like because everyone knows someone like this. You know somebody like this in your own family, or where you work. Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

Walter:
Shut the hell up.

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, they like you.

Walter:
Only 'cause they were drunk before they got here.

Jeff Dunham:
Aren't you happy to be here?

Walter:
Not exactly.

Jeff Dunham:
Why not?

Walter:
This town is too freaking bizarre for me.

Jeff Dunham:
Why do you say that?

Walter:
On my way in here tonight. I saw Aquaman on Hollywood Boulevard. What the hell?

Jeff Dunham:
Why would Aquaman be on Hollywood Boulevard?

Walter:
Well, there's a drought. I guess he's homeless. (LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff Dunham:
You know, Walter, there are a lot of things to like about Los Angeles-

Walter:
Like what? Traffic from hell. Highest gas prices

in the country. Wildfires. Mudslides and earthquakes, yay! I love it here! Dumbass.

Jeff Dunham:
You ever been in an earthquake?

Walter:
Uh, does my wife falling off of the couch count? "What the ****- Oh, it's you. All right."

Jeff Dunham:
Why are you in a bad mood already?

Walter:
Well, do you know what it's like to wake up and discover that your wife of 45 years has left and isn't coming back?

Jeff Dunham:
No. I don't.

Walter:
Yeah. Me neither. But I can dream, can't I?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
Is it really that bad?

Walter:
Yes. The other day, before her birthday, she started yelling at me, "Tomorrow. I'd better see a diamond."

Jeff Dunham:
Oh, a diamond. What'd you do?

Walter:
I took her to a baseball game.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
So, does your wife like Hollywood?

Walter:
Yeah, but she thinks it's crazy how many folks in this town get plastic surgery.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh. She wouldn't do that?

Walter:
Why?

Jeff Dunham:
Why not?

Walter:
Come on. Putting new headlights on a minivan

doesn't make it a Corvette.

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