Unhinged in Hollywood Page #2

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Walter:
Yeah, these guys know what I'm talking about. And the women who get those fake, giant hoo-hahs, they don't want you to miss them either.

Jeff Dunham:
How's that?

Walter:
If you look those women in the eye when you're talking to them, they get all pissed off and they go, "Hey, my b*obs are down here."

Jeff Dunham:
I bet your wife likes at least a few things in LA.

Walter:
Like what?

Jeff Dunham:
I don't know, The Kardashians are filmed there-

Walter:
(GAGS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

Walter:
I'm sorry. I threw up in my mouth a little. Kardashians. Hey! Who the hell's that new tall chick? She's kind of hot.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Walter:
Did I miss something?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah, I think so.

Walter:
What the hell are you laughing at?

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, that's Caitlyn.

Walter:
Who the hell is Caitlyn? Oh! Bruce has a sister?

Jeff Dunham:
No.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Walter:
What the hell is so funny? What, is she available?

Jeff:
I don't know. Look, what does your wife watch on TV?

Walter:
I don't care.

Jeff:
Are you guys happy?

Walter:
Look at me.

Jeff:
Well, you still love her.

Walter:
Yeah, of course, but like most marriages, we have been through some difficult times.

Jeff:
Sure.

Walter:
But we stayed together because of the children.

Jeff:
Oh, you say your children saved your marriage?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Walter:
Yeah. Bastards.

Jeff:
Well, admittedly, a good marriage can be hard work.

Walter:
Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know it can, yeah. We went to a marriage therapist one time.

Jeff:
Just once?

Walter:
It was a therapist.

Jeff:
You didn't like the therapist?

Walter:
Oh, no, he seemed like a good guy, but after listening to my wife talk for 10 minutes, he jumped out the window.

Jeff:
Seriously?

Walter:
Absolutely. And if it wasn't for the leash around my nuts, I would've followed the guy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Walter:
(YELPING) It was a choke collar.

Jeff:
All right. Look, Walter. I know for a fact that you love your family, you still love your wife, and I think that even at this age, every once in a while you should still try and be romantic with your wife.

Walter:
Good lord. Like how?

Jeff:
I don't know, do you ever speak to your wife

in a foreign language, like in French? Some women love that.

Walter:
I call her a French name now and then.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Mon cherie?

Walter:
Quasimodo.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
So, is there romance between you two?

Walter:
Well, not long ago, my wife left a trail of rose petals on the floor for me.

Jeff:
Ooh. Into the bedroom?

Walter:
Right out the front door.

Jeff:
You know, there are plenty of romantic places in this country you could go for a special time together.

Walter:
Like where?

Jeff:
Top of the Empire State Building.

Walter:
Oh, no, we tried that. A security guard took one look at her and went, "Uh-oh! King Kong is back!"

Jeff:
See, just like that. You've been married for over 45 years. Have you ever said anything to your wife that you truly regretted?

Walter:
Oh, yeah. "Will you marry me?", "I love you," **** like that.

Jeff:
Come on, when your wife is a romantic mood,

do you ever think about taking one of those little pills?

Walter:
Cyanide? Oh, yeah. I do actually.

Jeff:
Come on, what does your wife put on when she's feeling frisky at bedtime?

Walter:
Night vision goggles. Then she sneaks around the

house and hunts my ass down. It is scary stuff, my friends.

Jeff:
When was the last time you even put your arms around your wife?

Walter:
A couple of weeks ago when she was choking on a piece of steak.

Jeff:
You see, there you gave her the Heimlich.

Walter:
Yeah I know. I was drunk. I don't know what I was thinking. I was so close.

Jeff:
Maybe you could do something simple, like watching

a movie together.

Walter:
Oh, no, every time we watch a movie, she falls asleep. And the next morning i have to drive back to the theater to pick her up and bring her home.

Jeff:
Have you done anything fun in town here this week?

Walter:
You know I don't like getting out.

Jeff:
Oh, you're a little bit of a hypochondriac.

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff:
Why don't you wear one of those paper masks?

Walter:
Why, it's paper, it can't stop anything. I mean hell, the Constitution is paper, and it's never stopped our current administration.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Walter:
Just trying to get a read on the crowd tonight.

Jeff:
So I take it you're not exactly happy with our government right now?

Walter:
Are you kidding me? Congress's approval rating is at 12%. Jock itch has a higher rating than that.

Jeff:
So you paying attention to the presidential candidates?

Walter:
Oh, yeah.

Jeff:
How would you feel about a female president?

Walter:
Oh! Fine with me. Just whoever it is, make sure it's after she hits menopause.

Jeff:
Walter.

Walter:
What? I was there when my wife went through it.

If she had been President then, holy crap! "I'm hot! I'm cold! I'm sweaty! I'm clammy! **** you, Russia. Launch the missiles!"

Jeff:
I'm sorry. You realize you just offended about half the room here?

Walter:
Yeah, and the other half is trying not to look at their wives and going, "Yeah, he's got a point."

Jeff:
So, you told me you've been getting on the computer a lot lately.

Walter:
Oh, yeah. I've been getting on Facebook.

Jeff:
(LAUGHS)

Walter:
What?

Jeff:
You get on Facebook?

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff:
What do you do on Facebook?

Walter:
I like getting on there and de-friending everybody possible.

Jeff:
Why?

Walter:
Just so they'll wonder what the hell they did wrong. It's funny as hell.

Jeff:
That's not nice.

Walter:
I know. If it was nice, it wouldn't be funny as hell.

I did actually lose a friend on Facebook the other day

without de-friending him.

Jeff:
How's that?

Walter:
Well, an old buddy of mine posted that his wife died.

Jeff:
Oh.

Walter:
I clicked "like ".

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Walter:
Then I posted, "Mine's still alive. Sad face."

Jeff:
So you're getting into social networking?

Walter:
Yeah, a little bit. You know what I don't understand is why young couples today keep nude photos of themselves on their phones and then text them to each other. What the hell? When I was young and dating my wife, I never thought, "She's so beautiful. "I'm going to marry her. But first I'm going to send her "this picture of my balls. "

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Walter:
What?

Jeff:
People ask me all the time if my show is family friendly. What am I supposed to say now?

Walter:
(WHISPERS) It depends on your family.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
Well, since you've gone there, do you and your wife

have a decent love life?

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