Unhinged in Hollywood Page #3

---

Walter:
Oh, she does things to mix it up now and then.

Jeff:
Really?

Walter:
Yeah, she bought a pair of handcuffs.

Jeff:
Really?

Walter:
Yeah. Like I needed another reminder that I'm serving a life sentence. Handcuffs at our age, that's like

Fifty Shades of Old and Gray.

Jeff:
So, is there good communication between you two?

Walter:
I guess. The other night she said, "Your lips say no, but your eyes say yes."

Jeff:
What'd you say?

Walter:
"I have glaucoma."

Jeff:
So how's the actual love life?

Walter:
You mean sex?

Jeff:
Yes.

Walter:
It's always doggy style.

Jeff:
Walter.

Walter:
Yep, she rolls over and plays dead. Then I just lick myself and go to sleep.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
I'm sorry. Walter.

Walter:
Come on, good comedy to me can paint vivid pictures in everybody's heads. That was a ****** Van Gogh.

Jeff:
Yes, it was. Say goodnight, Walter.

Walter:
Thanks, everybody!

Jeff:
That's Walter.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(TMZ Scene)

"So we got footage of Achmed the dead terrorist, he's getting kicked out of the Jeff Dunham NBC special, i don't exactly know what happened, but the footage we got there's two guys and there throwing him in an alley way in the dumpster."

Achmed:
What are you doing? No no, let me go back-

"And so we actually got video of him, we go up, we asked him what's going on."

Achmed:
Just eh hanging out in the dumpster, you know looking for stuff, and- oh look a sandwich.

"He try's to play it off, he says he try's to play it off, like he's looking through the trash and for something."

Harvey Levin:
Oh so he wasn't humiliated.

"No but he's banned from the special. So it's a big deal."

Harvey Levin:
Why was he kicked out?

"Because he had no "body" to go with."

Achmed:
I have to get back in that theater, i need a disguise.

(Show)

Jeff:
All right. Thank you. Well, behind me you see something that hints at the next guy. He's from somewhere down south. He's a good ol' boy.

Please help me welcome my buddy, Bubba J.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Bubba J:
(LAUGHING)

Jeff:
How you doing, Bubba J?

Bubba J:
I'm doing pretty good!

Jeff:
So, what's been going on lately?

Bubba J:
Well, uh, last week I went to another NASCAR race and got pretty hammered. (LAUGHS)

Jeff:
Drunk again?

Bubba J:
Oh. No, it's the same drunk. I just keep extending it. Yeah, if you're not drinking at a NASCAR race, you're not at a NASCAR race.

Jeff:
Where are you?

Bubba J:
You're at golf.

Jeff:
Well, Bubba J, do you drink excessively?

Bubba J:
(LAUGHS) I don't know what that word means.

Jeff:
What's the longest you've ever gone without a beer?

Bubba J:
How long have I been out here?

Jeff:
Less than a minute.

Bubba J:
There you go.

Jeff:
Do you know your drinking limits?

Bubba J:
Uh, daily or lifetime?

Jeff:
How can you tell someone's lifetime limit on drinking beer?

Bubba J:
Well, if they die when they're drinking, that was it.

Jeff:
What I mean is, do you know how much beer

you could have before you've had too much?

Bubba J:
(GASPS) I could have too much beer?

Jeff:
Sure.

Bubba J:
That would be fantastic.

Jeff:
Have you ever drank as much as you wanted?

Bubba J:
Yeah.

Jeff:
What happened?

Bubba J:
(LAUGHS) You looked pretty.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING)

Jeff:
Can't you have fun without beer?

Bubba J:
Yeah, but why risk it?

Jeff:
I don't know. Would you rather drink beer out

of a can, a bottle, or on tap?

Bubba J:
Oh, yes, yes, and yes.

Jeff:
Just remember, Bubba J, you should never drink alone.

Bubba J:
(LAUGHS) You're not fooling anybody. That's why you have us.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
So your favorite time to drink is at sporting events?

Bubba J:
Uh, yes, sporting events, yeah. It's good, yeah.

Jeff:
Do you drink beer every day?

Bubba J:
Uh, only on my days off.

Jeff:
Oh. You don't have a job.

Bubba J:
Ta-da! My favorite holiday to get drunk on is St. Patrick's Day.

Jeff:
Oh.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Bubba J:
Oh! There's all the Germans.

Jeff:
Right. I didn't know you were Irish.

Bubba J:
I'm not. I also get drunk on Cinco de Mayo

and Martin Luther King Day, and I'm not Mexican

or black.

Jeff:
Oh, okay.

Bubba J:
(WHISPERING) Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Jeff:
What?

Bubba J:
I don't want anybody thinking I'm racist.

Jeff:
Why would anyone think you're racist?

Bubba J:
Because I said "Mexican". And I also said "black", sorry about that. Sorry about that.

Jeff:
Bubba J, it's okay to say "Mexican" and "black".

Bubba J:
It is?

Jeff:
Sure.

Bubba J:
Why, 'cause everybody here is white?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
No, it's just okay to use those words.

Bubba J:
Okay. Well, thanks for keeping me real, cracker.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Bubba J:
Oh, wait a minute. No, no. You're a saltine American.

(LAUGHING)

Jeff:
So, Bubba J, you know we're right here in Hollywood.

Bubba J:
Oh yeah. Sure.

Jeff:
What do you think of L.A?

Bubba J:
Oh. I don't like it.

Jeff:
You don't like L.A?

Bubba J:
No, I thought you said A.A (LAUGHING)

I like L.A and I love beer.

Jeff:
That's good.

Bubba J:
But I got to do something about my gut.

Jeff:
Oh, you're going to start working out?

Bubba J:
No. I'm going to get a bigger shirt. Somebody told me that to stay in shape. I should get a trainer.

Jeff:
Yeah, that's a good idea.

Bubba J:
I did it.

Jeff:
You did? How's that going?

Bubba J:
Pretty good. So far I can sit and shake and roll over. And then I get a cookie.

Jeff:
So what else do you know about L.A?

Bubba J:
Uh, the bad traffic here reminds me of marriage.

Jeff:
How's that?

Bubba J:
You're stuck in it because there was an accident.

(LAUGHS) Walter told me to tell that one. That's a good one, isn't it? Here's another one Walter told me, you want to hear this?

Jeff:
No.

Bubba J:
Getting married is like your iTunes agreement.

Jeff:
How's that?

Bubba J:
You have no idea what you're saying yes to,

but you'll agree just so it'll shut the hell up.

Jeff:
So, you've been to Disneyland?

Bubba J:
Oh I love Disneyland.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
Did you see "it's a Small World"?

Bubba J:
Is that the one where you go on a date and it turns out she's your cousin, and you go, "Ooh, small world"? Been there, done that. Hey, did you know they now sell beer at Disneyland?

Jeff:
I did know that. How old do you have to be to uh, drink beer at Disneyland?

Bubba J:
Oh, no, everything goes by height.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
So you got drunk at Disneyland?

Bubba J:
No. I stayed drunk at Disneyland.

Jeff:
Bubba J, that's not good.

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes