Unhinged in Hollywood Page #4

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Bubba J:
I know, it was bad. At the arcade. I thought

we were really hunting and I shot Donald Duck.

He had a big one in the suit, now he walks a little goofy.

(LAUGHS) Get it? Goofy! Hey, did you know that here in LA, last week, some guy tried to sell me

a map to the stars homes?

Jeff:
Oh, did you get it?

Bubba J:
No. I went, "Duh, buddy. Just look up."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
So, Bubba J, when we're in Southern California,

are you ever worried about earthquakes?

Bubba J:
No. I'm used to it, the ground is always moving

when you're hammered. If it stops suddenly, that's when I fall down. Hey, do they have Wal-Marts in Los Angeles?

Jeff:
Sure, you like Wal-Mart?

Bubba J:
Oh, yeah. It's so convenient. Where else can you get... (STUTTERS) (WHISPERS) Sorry. I screwed up the joke.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING & CHEERING)

Bubba J:
Wait a minute, you screwed up the joke!

Don't make me say what I did, you did, and then make it

your fault, my fault, my brain hurts now.

Jeff:
What were you trying to ask?

Bubba J:
No, what were you trying to make me ask? I didn't screw this up, you did. I maybe dumb, but you're helping me.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
All right. You want to try that joke again?

Bubba J:
Huh?

Jeff:
You, you want to try the joke again?

Bubba J:
You mean from the start?

Jeff:
Sure, just, just to get it right.

Bubba J:
Duh, redo the whole joke?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Bubba J:
Uh... Okay. Okay, all right.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Bubba J:
Okay. Okay. Okay, Okay, okay, Okay. Oh, yeah. What's my first line?

Jeff:
Do they have Wal-Marts in Los...

Bubba J:
Okay. I got it, okay. This is like acting.

Jeff:
Yes.

Bubba J:
Okay. Take two. Hey, Jeff!

Jeff:
Yes, Bubba J?

Bubba J:
Oh, that was really natural. You're good, that was good, okay. (LOUDLY) Hey, do they have Wal-Marts in Los Angeles?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Bubba J:
(WHISPERS) Hurry up, you're ******* up the timing.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(LAUGHS)

Jeff:
Yes, they do have Wal-Marts in Los Angeles.

(LAUGHS)

Bubba J:
Don't laugh when I talk, it ****'s the whole thing up.

Jeff:
You like Wal-Mart?

Bubba J:
Yes. It's so convenient! Where else can you get

Cheez-Its, tampons, and a canoe, all in the same place?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Bubba J:
And now back to our regularly scheduled show. Hey, Mr. D, why are we on stage like this all the time?

Jeff:
This is my job.

Bubba J:
What is?

Jeff:
This is.

Bubba J:
(LAUGHS) To stand here and talk to everybody?

Jeff:
That's right.

Bubba J:
That's your job?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Bubba J:
Don't exactly need a college education for this, do you?

Jeff:
Well. I graduated from college.

Bubba J:
Oh, and now you do this?

Jeff:
That's right.

Bubba J:
Well, that was a big ass waste of money, wasn't it?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Bubba J:
You need more education to boil an egg than you do this. Hey, can you boil an egg?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Bubba J:
Well, there you go, you got something to fall back on. Hey. I forgot to tell you, Walter told me I should get on Titter.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
You mean Twitter.

Bubba J:
Oh. Well, that doesn't sound as fun, does it?

Hey, you know what the hardest part is about the Internet for me?

Jeff:
What?

Bubba J:
Remembering all the passwords.

Jeff:
Oh, well, keep it simple. Just use the name

of someone you love.

Bubba J:
My dog?

Jeff:
Sure, what's your dog's name?

Bubba J:
Dog.

Jeff:
Your dog's name is Dog?

Bubba J:
Actually it's "Doug", but the "U" is silent. It's Italian.

Jeff:
Bubba J, have you tweeted?

Bubba J:
Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Bubba J:
It's a big room, I didn't know you'd know.

I usually blame that on Doug. Hey, somebody told me

they saw me on the Internet.

Jeff:
Oh, have you googled yourself?

Bubba J:
(LAUGHS) Not in public. And not a lot.

Jeff:
Okay.

Bubba J:
I can still see.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
So I take it you grew up in a small town?

Bubba J:
Yeah, pretty small.

Jeff:
How small?

Bubba J:
Well, we didn't have the street lights, so the hookers stood under a flash light. I called her Ever Ready. (LAUGHS)

Jeff:
You know, Walter and I were talking about our government.

Bubba J:
Yeah.

Jeff:
Do you pay attention to politics?

Bubba J:
Oh, yeah. I pay attention, yeah, politics, yeah, sure. Sure do, okay.

Jeff:
Okay, can I ask you your opinion on some current issues?

Bubba J:
Oh, yeah, current issues, okay, right, right.

Jeff:
Let's talk about some things you might be familiar with.

Bubba J:
Okay.

Jeff:
for example, Bubba J, what is your feeling on gun control?

Bubba J:
Oh, I know this one.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Bubba J:
Oh, yeah, if you're drunk and seeing double, shoot in the middle.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
So what do you think about taxing the 1%?

Bubba J:
Oh. I don't know. I drink whole milk.

Jeff:
Are you familiar with the term No Child Left Behind?

Bubba J:
I think the movie's actually called Home Alone.

Jeff:
So, what do you think about immigration reform?

Bubba J:
Is it bad for me to say I'm kind of on the fence on this one?

Jeff:
All right, what do you think about the Clintons?

Bubba J:
My wife says I can never find it.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
No, Hillary Clinton.

Bubba J:
It has a first name? I always thought the full

name sounded like a dinosaur. Clinton-saurus. Either way, it's fossilized. (LAUGHS)

Jeff:
How would you feel about a woman President?

Bubba J:
Oh, no. Does Obama want to become a woman, too?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Bubba J:
I'm all for a woman President, just so long as she doesn't start all her speeches with, "Where the hell were you last night?" But I heard it could be Hillary against Jeb.

Jeff:
That's right.

Bubba J:
Either way, we are going to have a bush in the White House. (LAUGHING) You get it? Bush. Unless she goes to Brazil.

Jeff:
Will you stop?

Bubba J:
Get it? Cause there's no bushes in Brazil.

Jeff:
I got it. (To audience) I do some of these just for me, you know, so. So another big issue, I'm afraid to even ask this one, um (CLEARS THROAT) How do you feel about fracking?

Bubba J:
Me and the wife are down to about once a month.

Jeff:
No. I'm talking about drilling into a hole and hitting gas.

Bubba J:
Yeah, so am I.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Say goodnight, Bubba J.

Bubba J:
Night, everybody!

Jeff:
That's Bubba J!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
All right. Before we get started, something that has been bugging me, you know. I travel all over the world

with industrial strength humidifiers for my voice. I come to Hollywood, big show like this, and what do they get me, not the industrial strength, no, they give me

the Hello Kitty humidifier.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
Great, thanks guys, it's fabulous. So if I run out of voice tonight, it's their damn fault. (CLEARS THROAT) In the early days of television, commercials were done live

in front of studio audiences. Well, just like back then. I get to do my own commercial for you, right now. For something that I am selling. Ready?

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