Unhinged in Hollywood Page #5

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
It's the Little Jeff ventriloquist dummy!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) (Teeth dings)

Jeff:
So, let me show you how a professional ventriloquist dummy works, all right? So in the box, this is more than just a dummy in the box, it's a full circle program that

I have, uh, come up with here, you also get a DVD.

On the DVD are me and all the guys from my shop,

teaching how to do ventriloquism, anybody can learn to do it, just takes some practice. Along with that DVD comes a book, it's all the same lessons in written form,

and then, of course, there's Little Jeff in the box,

and also, uh, when you get Little Jeff, you'll also notice there's a big plastic bag over his head- Um. I learned that taking care of my own kids.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Oh, it's great, it slows them down just enough,

it's pretty great. So, um... But let me show you how a professional ventriloquist dummy works- This will be a little disconcerting for some people, but you pull

the head off. And the body on a professional

ventriloquist dummy is usually hollow, there's nothing

inside that chest cavity. But in the top of the

shoulders is a hole and inside that hole goes what's called the control stick or the head stick. And on that head stick are the various controls to move the different movements on the dummy's face. This one does the mouth, this one does the eyes. You put them all together,

you can bring him to life. As for the voice for Little Jeff,

in one of my earlier acts, way back when, Peanut, one of my other characters, he had a Little Jeff and he did a show with him. He had his voice for Little Jeff,

but I have to come up with my own voice for him.

Because I can't do the same voices that Peanut does.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Thank you for getting that joke. I promise you there have been a handful of audiences I've done that joke, and they don't get it. They sit there and look at each other and go, "Oh, yeah, you can't do the same voice

Peanut can. Can't do it, so how you doing, Little Jeff?

Little Jeff:
Uh, doing fine. So here we are at the Dolby

Theater in Hollywood, and I know I'm supposed

to come up here and talk to all the nice folks. Why is there a little Hello Kitty on the freaking stage?

Jeff:
Well, it's kind of covered up, but that's my humidifier.

Little Jeff:
(HIGH-PITCHED) Ah! For Little Jeffy's voice. (IMITATES BABY CRYING) Oh, you're getting pissed now. That's funny as hell. You realize you're getting pissed at yourself. I know you're getting pissed. I can see it in my eyes. So why am I here?

Jeff:
I want you to demonstrate.

Little Jeff:
Demonstrate what?

Jeff:
What you can do.

Little Jeff:
Oh great, yay, fantastic. This is so much fun,

okay, here we go, watch closely, it goes by fast.

Ready, here we go. Mouth, ah-ah-la-la-la. Eyes, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Head. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

There, am I ******* done?

Jeff:
Hey! I'm sorry.

Little Jeff:
What, what do I got to do? I know what

you're going to do, you're going to demonstrate me,

then put me back in a box, and sell my ass. This sucks!

How much am I?

Jeff:
What?

Little Jeff:
What? What do you mean, what? Why the hell

did you say that? You freaking made me say it,

don't say "what". We all know it's fake.

Jeff:
Fine.

Little Jeff:
Fine. How much am I?

Jeff:
95 bucks.

Little Jeff:
95 bucks! For this? What a rip-off!

Jeff:
Well, there's more in the box.

Little Jeff:
Oh, now it's like a freaking infomercial. (GASPS) "There's more? "Jeff, how could there possibly be more?

"We don't know how you do this. "What else is in the box, Jeff?"

Jeff:
Well, besides you in the box, there's a DVD.

Little Jeff:
Of what?

Jeff:
Lessons in ventriloquism.

Little Jeff:
Why?

Jeff:
Well, if somebody purchases Little Jeff,

and they want to learn ventriloquism, or if they have

a child at home.

Little Jeff:
(GASPS) That's a great idea. Yeah, if you have a kid at home who's a total social outcast, sucks at sports,

girls won't talk to him, give him a ******* doll.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Due to the included DVD, he can teach himself

ventriloquism, then go to school and do shows, yay!

Then two months later, free of charge, they'll send you another DVD on self-defense!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Cause if he does this crap at school, he's going to get beat up a lot! Little too close to home there, Jeffy?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
(HIGH-PITCHED) "What else is in the box, Jeff?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Well, only at the live shows like this evening, when you purchase Little Jeff, also inside the box, I've included an 8 x 10 photograph of myself and Achmed

that I've personally autographed.

Little Jeff:
(GASPS) (WHISPERING) No one cares.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (Jeff chases him)

Jeff:
(WHISPERING) Stop it, stop it. Stop it, come back.

Stop it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Little Jeff:
Come on, stop touching me. What? Are you a ******* Catholic priest? Cut it out.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
The hell is that?

Jeff:
This is also in the box.

Little Jeff:
Porn?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
You should include porn in the box, you'll sell

more dolls!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Little something for everybody.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
This is a book on how to do ventriloquism.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
That's great. I bet that's a real page-turner.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
(HIGH-PITCHED) "What else is in the box, Jeff?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Well, in the back of the book are three routines that I wrote.

Little Jeff:
That's great.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Why?

Jeff:
Well, if somebody purchases Little Jeff, they can learn ventriloquism from the DVD, then memorize one of these routines, and then pretty much instantly be on stage performing.

Little Jeff:
That's great.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
You know, Jeff, sometimes I lie awake in bed at night, wondering to myself, what's truly wrong with our country today.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Not long ago. I think I figured it out. There's not enough ventriloquists.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Little Jeff:
But now, with you selling the Little Jeff dummies and the DVDs on how to do ventriloquism,

there's going to be a lot more ventriloquists. You're helping to heal our nation.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Is this sarcasm?

Little Jeff:
Yes.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
So what I would like to do this evening is to perform one of these three routines.

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