Unhinged in Hollywood Page #6

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Little Jeff:
(GASPS) Please, sir, may I help you do that?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Okay.

Little Jeff:
(SQUEALS)

Jeff:
The routine that I picked to do this evening is one that I wrote as a tribute to the comedy team, Abbott and Costello.

Little Jeff:
Huh?

Jeff:
Their most famous rout...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
There you go.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Jeff:
Their most famous routine was one I really enjoyed

listening to as a child, and this is pretty much my nod to them.

Little Jeff:
That's great.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Why do you have the book?

Jeff:
So I can read the routine.

Little Jeff:
Okay. Didn't you write this ****?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Yes.

Little Jeff:
Okay! Just seems like these nice folks spent

a lot of money on their tickets. I mean, you could take a couple of minutes and ******* memorize.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
So you're going to read your lines?

Jeff:
Yes. I'm going to read my lines!

Little Jeff:
Okay! And somehow having never seen the book. I'll just know mine!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Yeah, let's all pretend the little dummy's actually reading a book!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Oh, did I **** up the illusion?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Sorry, Mr. Copperfield.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Ta-da! Poof!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Now what are you doing?

Jeff:
Trying to get to the correct page using just one hand.

Little Jeff:
You can do it, Forrest. Run, Forrest, run!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Hey, you better hurry before your cat runs out of water.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Cause as we all know, there's nothing worse than a dry. Cat.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
That was too close.

Little Jeff:
That's what she said.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
All right, so the first line in here says, "How are you?"

And in parentheses, "Figure's name"

Little Jeff:
What the hell's a figure?

Jeff:
A figure is the ventriloquist's politically-correct term

for the word "dummy". So you're technically a ventriloquist's figure.

Little Jeff:
(SMACKS LIPS) No. From now on, we would like to be referred to as wooden Americans. We're going to need some land and slot machines. I'll become Chief Little Jeff and you're named Dumbass. Oh, we can use Hello Kitty for smoke signals.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Well, you've always said you wanted a hot, smoking p*ssy... cat.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Little Jeff:
Cat, p*ssy cat. I said p*ssy cat! Meow! Meow!

Meow! P*ssy cat! Meow, meow! (Hissing)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
You ready?

Little Jeff:
I guess.

Jeff:
All right, here we go. How are you, Little Jeff?

Little Jeff:
Kind of sad.

Jeff:
Why is that?

Little Jeff:
Everyone makes fun of my dog.

Jeff:
What's wrong with your dog?

Little Jeff:
Nothing.

Jeff:
Then why do people make fun of him?

Little Jeff:
He has kind of a weird name.

Jeff:
I see, did you come up with the name yourself?

Little Jeff:
Yeah, my mom lets me name all my pets.

Jeff:
Sure. What's your dog's name?

Little Jeff:
I Forgot.

Jeff:
How could you forget?

Little Jeff:
Forget what?

Jeff:
You said you forgot your dog's name.

Little Jeff:
No. I didn't.

Jeff:
Yes, you did.

Little Jeff:
No. I said my dog's name is I Forgot.

Jeff:
Right.

Little Jeff:
Right what?

Jeff:
You said it again.

Little Jeff:
Said what again?

Jeff:
That you forgot your dog's name.

Little Jeff:
No. What's wrong with you?

Jeff:
You just said, "My dog's name is I Forgot."

Little Jeff:
Exactly!

Jeff:
Exactly what?

Little Jeff:
That's his name.

Jeff:
Whose name?

Little Jeff:
The dog's!

Jeff:
That you forgot.

Little Jeff:
What?

Jeff:
Do you have a dog?

Little Jeff:
Yes.

Jeff:
What's his name?

Little Jeff:
I Forgot.

Jeff:
How could you?

Little Jeff:
I don't know what you're talking about!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
You're nuts.

Little Jeff:
That's the cat.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Who is?

Little Jeff:
You're Nuts.

Jeff:
I am not.

Little Jeff:
I didn't say you were, but the cat is.

Jeff:
The cat is what?

Little Jeff:
You're Nuts.

Jeff:
Stop saying that.

Little Jeff:
I'm not. That's her name!

Jeff:
Do you have a dog?

Little Jeff:
Yes.

Jeff:
What's his name?

Little Jeff:
I Forgot.

Jeff:
No one forgets their own dog's name.

Little Jeff:
I didn't.

Jeff:
Then why don't you tell me his name?

Little Jeff:
I just did.

Jeff:
But you forgot?

Little Jeff:
No. I Forgot.

Jeff:
You're nuts.

Little Jeff:
The cat.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Do you speak English?

Little Jeff:
That's the hamster.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Who is?

Little Jeff:
Do You Speak English.

Jeff:
I just asked you that.

Little Jeff:
That's the hamster's name.

Jeff:
Yes.

Little Jeff:
Yes, what?

Jeff:
I was answering your question.

Little Jeff:
I didn't ask a question!

Jeff:
Yes, you did.

Little Jeff:
No.

Jeff:
You asked me if I spoke English.

Little Jeff:
No. I was telling you the hamster's name.

Jeff:
You're nuts.

Little Jeff:
Meow.

Jeff:
Say goodnight.

Little Jeff:
I'm Little Jeff.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
So, folks... This next guy, we don't know where he's from, we don't know what he is, but he's purple, he's wacky. Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Jeff:
How you doing, Peanut?

Peanut:
Doing pretty good, how about you?

Jeff:
I'm fine.

Peanut:
That's good, that's good, that's good!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
You like it here?

Peanut:
I don't like it here. I love it. I love it right here

in Hollywood. La-La Land, Tinseltown, the City of Dreams,

the City of Angels, West Hollywood. It's all fabulous!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
It's show biz.

Peanut:
It's show biz. Let's do lunch, call me, toodles.

Jeff:
I'm glad you like it here.

Peanut:
Hey! Why do the paparazzi need to get a picture of Kim Kardashian? If you'd leave her alone, she'd just do it all herself!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
Click, click, click, click. Click, click, click- Oh, got to do my butt, panorama. Ahhh...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
Now there's a selfie that'll take a while to download.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
And then there's Kim and Kanye! The big ass who married the bigger ass. Yay!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

PEANUT:
(LAUGHING) Mmm-hmm.

Jeff:
Stop it.

Peanut:
Yeah, Kim got famous from a sex tape. I was going to do that myself, but realized it was a bad idea.

Jeff:
Why is that?

Peanut:
Cause I realized you'd have to be there too!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
Ew!

Jeff:
Stop it! What is wrong with you tonight?

Peanut:
Nothing. I'm fine. It's all great, great! Fine. I love it here. I love it. Love it in Hollywood, it's great!

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