Unhinged in Hollywood Page #7

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
You sure you're okay?

Peanut:
I'm fine! I'm fine! Great! Okay! I did not go to Starbucks! I did not! Not!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
Okay, yes I did. I went to frigging Starbucks! I Love it, love coffee, it's great!

Jeff:
You went there?

Peanut:
Yes! Maybe, no. Yes! I think so! (LAUGHS, SHUDDERS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
You're not supposed to have any caffeine.

Peanut:
I know, sorry! I did! I know. You're right, you're right, but I did anyway! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Jeff:
What did you have?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
Yes. Sorry, I jumped ahead to the next question!

Jeff:
Are you okay?

Peanut:
I'm fine! I'm fine! I love this stuff! Is coffee legal? ls coffee legal, is it legal, is this stuff legal, is it legal! I can't believe this stuff's legal!

Jeff:
You need help.

Peanut:
No. I need a latte.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
Question. Is it normal for your heart to sound like a weed eater?

Jeff:
(LAUGHS) No.

Peanut; Yes!

Jeff:
Right. Don't go to any more coffee places.

Peanut:
You know what I heard the other day?

I heard that some folks get something called a coffee enema. I don't know what that is, I don't want to know what that is, and please don't let it ever show up on the menu at Starbucks.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
On the other hand, if you really want to pull an awesome joke when you're standing in line, secretly write it on the chalkboard menu!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
Then when you get to the register, point to it and say, last time, i had that one frozen.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
It gave my butt the shivers! (LAUGHS) I'm going to open my own coffee place. This could be a whole, new line of beverages for me. "The Cafe Booty."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
The ass-presso! The crap-uccino. The best part of waking up is coffee in your butt.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
(LAUGHS) Mmm-hmm.

Jeff:
Stop it. How long have you been like this?

Peanut:
Yes!

Jeff:
(CHUCKLES) So you're addicted to caffeine?

Peanut:
Duh-duh-duh-duh!

Jeff:
Is there any way you can get off it?

Peanut:
I tried a patch. That didn't work.

Jeff:
Why?

Peanut:
I stuck it on my arm, took it off my arm,

rolled it up, smoked it. Yay! And then I tried some kind of

gum, but that didn't work.

Jeff:
Gum?

Peanut:
Because I got it mixed up with a condom, that's a big ass bubble right there.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(PEANUT LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Hey, you lost a shoe.

Peanut:
No dude. I found one. (LAUGHS)

Jeff:
Oh!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
What the **** happened? It's not funny! I hate you!

Jeff:
I guess I know what we're not gonna see on TV.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
I'm a professional. Sorry, he just kind of got away from me there. Sorry, Peanut.

Peanut:
(WHIMPERING)

Jeff:
Stand up.

Peanut:
(WHIMPERING)

Jeff:
Come on, stand up.

Peanut:
(WHIMPERING)

Jeff:
You're fine.

Peanut:
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Jeff:
What?

Peanut:
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Jeff:
Close your mouth.

Peanut:
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Peanut:
(YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

Jeff:
Close your mouth!

Peanut:
(SHRIEKING INDISTINCTLY)

Jeff:
Apparently, they can understand you and I can't.

Jeff:
Can you close your mouth? Huh?

Peanut:
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Jeff:
What? What?

Peanut:
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Peanut:
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Jeff:
What?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
What?

Jeff:
Oh, you want me to close your mouth?

Jeff:
Okay.

Peanut:
A**hole. (SNIFFING) (SNIFFING) What the hell is that?

Jeff:
What?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
What?

Jeff:
What?

Jeff:
Look, I'm just gonna...

Peanut:
(SCREAMS)

Jeff:
Oh, stop it.

(BOTH SCREAM)

Jeff:
Look. I'm just gonna...

Peanut:
No, no, no. Oh, you got it fixed. Oh, fine, now don't ever let that happen again! I'll kick your ass. I can find another guy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peanut:
Yeah, you'll be talking to your freaking sock!

You know, you're like the Donald Trump of ventriloquism.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

Jeff:
What does that mean?

Peanut:
You have no idea what you're doing, but you're really good at it. You know, Trump could learn something from you.

Jeff:
How's that?

Peanut:
He's always saying things that'll get him into trouble.

Jeff:
Yeah.

Peanut:
He should just put me on his knee and I'll say the stuff for him. (LAUGHS) I mean, Biden does that with Obama all the time. But I guess that's better than being the Hillary Clinton of ventriloquism.

Jeff:
(CHUCKLES) And what is that?

Peanut:
I don't know. I had the joke in my e-mail, but somehow it got deleted. (LAUGHS) Or you could be the Bush of ventriloquism.

Jeff:
The Bush of ventriloquism?

Peanut:
By the time you get to the third dummy, everyone knows it's going to be the same old crap.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
I don't know why you make fun of people like that.

Peanut:
I'm not making fun of anybody.

Jeff:
I guess that's what that was.

Peanut:
You know. I used to make fun of my grandpa.

Jeff:
Why'd you make fun of your grandpa?

Peanut:
Cause he had a hearing aid.

Jeff:
You can't make fun of that.

Peanut:
I didn't make fun of him. I made fun with him.

Jeff:
What do you mean?

Peanut:
Grandpa owned those really old hearing aids,

the kind you had to adjust. I used to run up to Grandpa

and I'd go, "Hey, Grandpa. Listen, I was wondering,

do you think that we could... " (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Grandpa be like, "What the hell's wrong with this damn thing?"

Jeff:
Peanut, that's really mean!

Peanut:
Yeah, but that was funny as hell. In fact, it was so funny, Grandma started doing it. They had a really old dog too, they eventually had to put stickers across their sliding glass door, otherwise that dog would try and

run right through the glass door. I used to stand inside

with a tennis ball, and then pretend to throw it outside.

That dog would be like... (MIMICS DOG WHINING)

Sometimes Grandpa and that dog would try and take walks together. They'd both try and walk through

the glass door at the same time. Grandma would be like, "I just got through cleaning that thing- What the heck--- "

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) What?

Jeff:
Peanut, what if your grandpa was here this evening? Wouldn't you feel kind of bad?

Peanut:
I guess.

Jeff:
What would you say to your grandpa?

Peanut:
I'm sorry, Grandpa. I didn't mean to upset... (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Am I going to hell?

Jeff:
Probably.

Peanut:
Well, we're in Hollywood. Here we are.

Jeff:
Say goodnight, Peanut.

Peanut:
Thanks, everybody!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(Attempt)

"Pardon moi. I am Jaquce, not Achmed in disguise, Downlow. Oh. I keel you, i keel you too. Hey! Mohawk! Down in front, i can not see. (Gasps) Hey are you Chuck Lidell?"

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