Unhinged in Hollywood Page #8

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Chuck:
Yes i am."

"Who's the last guy you beat up? The guy who did your hair?"

"And we are in commercial back in 3."

"I thought i got rid of you."

Achmed:
That is what you get for thinking Infidel.

"I am not going to let some talking halloween decoration ruin my career. There is no where you will ever appear on my show."

Jeff:
You have a show? Achmed, there you are, what happened to you?

Achmed:
This idiot threw me in the trash.

"Oh Achmed, yes he said "I'm throwing in some extra cash." He is truly great, i mean to be dead and still have a sense of humor, what i guy, i can't wait to see him, on stage, yes, great, here let me just clean you up."

Achmed:
Don't touch me anymore.

"Okay, all ready to go, all set."

Jeff:
Let's do this.

"Great."

Achmed:
Hey infidel, for my entrance, i have a few demands.

Jeff:
Thanks, you GUYS! All right, so we have one guy left.

And it amazes me that I get to give this introduction, but it's the truth. And it's all because of great folks like you, and here it is. Please help me welcome, the most beloved terrorist throughout the world... Achmed, the dead terrorist.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Achmed:
Greetings, American infidels!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
All right, Achmed, for the folks who might not know you.

Achmed:
Hey, hey, hey. Everyone knows me!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
I don't know about everyone.

Achmed:
Well, if they don't, then that means they've been living in a cave and have crappy Internet service.

(LAUGHS)

Jeff:
Achmed.

Achmed:
Who do you think the most famous dead terrorist is?

Jeff:
It's probably Osama Bin Laden.

Achmed:
He doesn't count!

Jeff:
Why not?

Achmed:
He's dead.

Jeff:
You're dead.

Achmed:
He's dead-dead.

Jeff:
What's the difference?

Achmed:
He's not on Facebook.

Jeff:
Okay, but your name is Achmed.

Achmed:
Yes. Achmed, the dead terrorist. Do you know me, infidels?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Achmed:
(LAUGHS) You see? I rock.

Jeff:
All right. To be honest, Achmed, I don't understand

why people like you.

Achmed:
Oh. That's easy.

Jeff:
Why?

Achmed:
If folks had to pick between Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian and a dead terrorist, I win that contest ******* hands-down.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Achmed:
Thank you. I kill you. Thank you. I kill you.

Thank you. I kill you.

Jeff:
All right. So as a terrorist.

Achmed:
Excuse me?

Jeff:
I said, "As a terrorist..."

Achmed:
You think just because I look like this,

this automatically makes me a terrorist?

Jeff:
You just said you were a terrorist!

Achmed:
No. I didn't.

Jeff:
Are you crazy?

Achmed:
Yeah a little bit, Why?

Jeff:
Achmed.

Achmed:
That's another thing! You always say

my name incorrectly. It's not Achmed. It's Ach-med!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Achmed:
It's so frustrating. The only folks who get my name right are Jewish guys and heavy smokers. But the best is a Jewish heavy smoker. (LAUGHS) Ach-med.

Jeff:
So is there an English equivalent for the name Achmed?

Achmed:
Yes.

Jeff:
What's that?

Achmed:
Larry. It's not funny! Silence! I kill you!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Achmed:
I love this stuff, yeah. I got made fun of a lot

in school for that name.

Jeff:
What school?

Achmed:
Suicide-bomber school.

Jeff:
Really?

Achmed:
And ironically, we were in district C-4.

Jeff:
So how many teachers did you have?

Achmed:
Technically, just one. But we went through

a lot of substitutes.

Jeff:
And what were the substitutes like?

Achmed:
A little nervous. And always young.

Jeff:
Yeah, that's another thing. Why are suicide bombers always young?

Achmed:
What, you want us to use old guys that are already almost dead? (Silence, then realizes) Son of a female goat! I never thought of that. Hurry this crap up. I have to go make a phone call.

Jeff:
So, Achmed, why do you wear a turbine? Turban, sorry.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Achmed:
Yes, Jeff. A tur-bine! Wow, the SAT was a

b*tch, wasn't it? I wear a turbine because it's more powerful than a jet pack. (LAUGHS) Hey, do you know what Donald Trump and I have in common?

Jeff:
What's that?

Achmed:
We never let anyone see the real tops of our heads. What is that thing on his head?

Jeff:
I don't know.

Achmed:
If you ever meet him, you should make it talk! Wait, wait. With a Mexican accent. (LAUGHS)

Jeff:
So what do you think of Donald Trump?

Achmed:
I actually love the guy. But you think I'm crazy?

That guy's bonkers. Even the ISIS guys are like, "What the hell, dude? Calm down. We'll build your wall just to keep you away from us!"

Jeff:
So I understand, you flew in today?

Achmed:
Yes.

Jeff:
On a commercial airline.

Achmed:
Yes.

Jeff:
No problems?

Achmed:
Like what?

Jeff:
You know. With the TSA, the X-ray machine.

Achmed:
You idiot! For you it's an X-ray, for me it's a selfie. (LAUGHS)

Jeff:
So are you enjoying your time here?

Achmed:
Oh, very much. I get recognized a lot in Hollywood. I was out in front of the theater today, signing autographs. They thought I was an Olsen twin.

(LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE GROANING)

Achmed:
Oh, screw you, that's a funny joke. That reminds me, did you know I have been adding to my career skills lately?

Jeff:
Doing what?

Achmed:
I am now not just a dead terrorist. I am a dead

cyber-terrorist (LAUGHS)

Jeff:
A cyber-terrorist?

Achmed:
Don't forget to like me on Facebook.

Jeff:
You know, Achmed, maybe for a different line of work, you could do something that would help people.

Achmed:
Like what? I could answer a suicide hotline. (LAUGHS) I'd be like, "No, no, you're fine, go ahead. You're good. "

Jeff:
That's horrible.

Achmed:
They're laughing. Not my fault.

Jeff:
So if you're going to be a cyber-terrorist, do you have a new catch phrase besides "I kill you"?

Achmed:
Oh yes, this is a good one. It's going to scare the crap out of you. (CLEARS THROAT) I click you! Why are they laughing?

Jeff:
Because "cyber-terrorist" makes you sound like a nerd.

Achmed:
(GASPS) Being a cyber-terrorist is not easy. It takes balls. Not real ones! What are you looking at, you pervert? What the hell? Yes, they're gone. I lost them in the explosion. Bye-bye balls. But I found them again.

Yeah. Balls don't bounce. (MIMICS EXPLOSION, WHISTLES) There they are.

Jeff:
And you kept them?

Achmed:
Dude, you don't just throw away your own nuts.

How the hell would that work? Hello, Salvation Army,

have I got something for you!

Jeff:
What did you do with them?

Achmed:
Oh I didn't make a key chain or something like that. Or hide it under my pillow and wait for the ball fairy. Wait, is there such a thing? How much could I get

from the ball fairy? It's a matching set. In the original wrapper.

Jeff:
Achmed.

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