Unhinged in Hollywood Page #9

---

Achmed:
Oh, okay, don't ask me how I carry them. I have a ball boy.

Jeff:
All right. You don't have them with you?

Achmed:
No, no. No, they're at home in my junk drawer.

Jeff:
So, Achmed, what does a cyber-terrorist actually do?

Achmed:
As I said before, no more killing.

Jeff:
You never have killed anyone.

Achmed:
Silence! I delete you! Ah, is that a new phrase?

Jeff:
Wait a minute, how do you delete someone?

Achmed:
It's not as easy as you think. You first have to

highlight, then backspace.

Jeff:
But explain what a cyber-terrorist actually does.

Achmed:
I terrorize by computer.

Jeff:
Okay, but what do you think the best weapon

you have is to make computers not work?

Achmed:
Windows Vista.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff:
Do you send spam?

Achmed:
You idiot. No pork.

Jeff:
Oh.

Achmed:
That was for all my Jewish friends out there, yay!

Jeff:
Have you spread any viruses?

Achmed:
Well, before the explosion. I had a little itch, but it went away,

Jeff:
If you're a cyber-terrorist, who's your biggest enemy now? The CIA, the FBI?

Achmed:
Siri. I asked her to search the web for booby-traps and she said, "I found a number of Hooters near you. "

Jeff:
Siri did that?

Achmed:
Yes. And then I asked her how to get into the White House, and she said, "Lower taxes and do something about illegal immigration." Thanks, b*tch.

Jeff:
Have you attempted any real cyber-terrorism yet?

Achmed:
Yes.

Jeff:
What'd you do?

Achmed:
I hacked the Obama Care website.

Jeff:
What happened?

Achmed:
I accidentally made it better. (LAUGHS) I'm kidding, I love Barack. He and I grew up together. (Jeff whispers) In Hawaii. In Hawaii. I'm sorry. I thought they knew. Should I show them my birth certificate?

Jeff:
No. Look, Achmed, no matter what, you'll always, to me, be a suicide bomber.

Achmed:
No. I was a suicide bomber. That's a one-time deal.

Jeff:
Well, what was a typical day like for a suicide bomber?

Achmed:
You idiot, it was only one day. And it wasn't even a full day. You could try for two in a row, but you'd end up like the Seahawks.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(ACHMED LAUGHS)

Achmed:
But do not worry. I will never blow up anything if I don't have my lucky charm, which I lost.

Jeff:
You had a lucky charm.

Achmed:
Yeah.

Jeff:
What was it?

Achmed:
I had a little camel's toe.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Achmed:
What the hell are they laughing at? What? I had a little camel toe. You used to look at it all the time!

I'm not kidding, he would rub it for good luck. (Jeff whispers) (YELPS) Seriously? Can we sell little fake ones online? Achmed's lucky camel toe. Makes a great stocking stuffer!

(Arm falls off)

Achmed:
You think anybody saw that?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Achmed:
Where is it?

Jeff:
It's on... It's on the floor.

Achmed:
Get it, you idiot. Get my freaking arm! Go get my arm.

Jeff:
Okay.

Achmed:
Wait!

Jeff:
What?

Achmed:
Don't leave me here. I'll fall down.

Jeff:
Go with me.

Achmed:
Okay. (WHOOPING) (SCREAMS) Put it back!

Jeff:
Okay!

Achmed:
(MUTTERS)

Jeff:
Sorry. I don't know...

Achmed:
Cheap construction.

Jeff:
All right, fine, there. Oh!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Achmed:
It's not funny! I kill you from here!

Jeff:
How would you do that?

Achmed:
Just throw me. Why not? You did Peanut. (LAUGHS) Can you put it back?

Jeff:
I think. I don't know what's wrong.

Achmed:
Just put it- You are so cute.

Jeff:
All right. I think it's good. Is it okay? Oops, sorry.

Achmed:
Don't touch my leg! It's not funny! Don't touch it. I can do this myself. No! It's not funny! Stop laughing.

Stop laughing at me! (SCREAMS) This is not funny at all.

This is all your fault. I kill you again. What? I can do- Don't touch my lam!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Achmed:
I still got it.

Achmed:
Don't let me fall down! What the hell?

Jeff:
You want me to fix?

Achmed:
Yes, fix my leg.

Jeff:
Okay.

Achmed:
Don't touch my wee-wee.

Jeff:
You don't have one.

Achmed:
It's a phantom wee-wee. His name is Robert.

Unless it's really cold, then it's Bob. And don't make it talk.

Jeff:
All right.

Achmed:
It's not funny at all, okay?

Jeff:
I think we're good. All right. So, now...

Achmed:
What the hell? How can I be naked? I feel naked! Fix all this! I'm going to bite you to death! It's not funny, not funny one bit. I kill you.

Achmed:
This one won't stay on. Here.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Achmed:
Take it out. I can feel that.

Jeff:
Want to call it quits?

Achmed:
I think so.

Jeff:
You guys have been absolutely fantastic. Thank you and good night.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff:
Thank you!

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes