Unidentified Flying Oddball Page #2

Goblins come out in the evening.

Do you still think I'm a goblin?

- Heaven forbid.

I never thought it for an instant.

Goblins don't fly.

When did your father become a goose?

A gander!

- I don't believe it!

Oh, it's quite true.

- No, I mean the castle. That's Camelot?

It is.

- King Arthur's Camelot?

Come on.

When I returned from Haymarket,

the gander was in Father's chair

eating crumbs off the table.

So you figured it was your old man

transformed by some evil spell.

What else could it be? Father was nowhere

to be seen and the door was locked.

If only I could see Merlin.

I know he could make Father himself again.

Merlin? The magician?

- Yes.

How would the likes of you know Merlin?

- Oh, just by reputation.

(PEOPLE GASP)

Now, most gracious King Arthur,

I shall transform this pink-eyed white rat

into vintage red wine.

If I were to turn you to stone, Sir Gawain,

possibly I might continue uninterrupted.

Rattray... vanishay!

Et coldon hideway!

Howmay!

By my soul! That's wine! Wine!

And that concludes my dazzling display of

black magic for this evening. Your servant.

(EVERYONE GASPS AND APPLAUDS)

Fear not, I have it subdued.

Your Majesty.

- Mordred, what have you in tow this time?

King Arthur, after the ceremony, I...

Your Majesty, with intention to rob,

this creature and five like it

fell upon me in the forest

with firebrands and lances!

I despatched the others and spared this one

as a curio for Your Majesty.

(APPLAUSE)

The head resembles a bug and I've not seen

tentacles like that on a man creature before.

It's this space suit, Your Majesty.

In sand shoes, slacks and a blazer...

What are your plans for it? It's not

large enough for a beast of burden.

I was thinking more along the lines

of a burning.

Excellent suggestion, Mordred!

With Your Majesty's approval,

I could do something

out of the ordinary with this creature.

What do you mean, burning?

Burn who? For what?

Burning is a fit punishment for the offence.

- Very well, then. A burning early tomorrow.

(PEOPLE) Burn him!

- When do I get my turn to bat? Wait, wait!

Wait! Let him speak.

I would know something of your plan.

- I could sell this better without this helmet.

Do you have a wrench around here?

- Wench? Wench?

We've several wenches. We don't usually

make them available to captive... things.

However... Peg! Tend to its needs!

Within reason!

I think if you could get a head lock

around here and twist...

Don't worry, you won't feel a...

That face!

Hi.

Er... you wanted to hear about my plan.

I suppose I should start with a little history

or, in your case, a little future.

In... 1492,

a man named Christopher Columbus

is going to discover America.

America is another continent

approximately 3,000 miles from here.

Columbus's ships will be named

the Nia, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

A lot of people think that Leif Ericson

got there first. I don't know.

All I know is that all the banks are closed

on Columbus Day, not Ericson Day.

Ericson Day!

So we jump a couple of hundred years...

(SNORING)

So when Stardust blasted off prematurely,

I was trapped inside.

You recall my explanation

of the law of gravity

and how that theory is applied

to orbiting objects.

Well, Stardust...

- Yes, yes, we all recall Madame Curie...

.. and Fulton's steamboat... and that

imbecile who flew kites in the rain!

Just think what we could do

with the likes of them today

if they were not just the creation

of your disordered BRAIN!

Those are the straight goods. It happened

just the way I told you or, at least, it will!

And you seriously expect us to believe

that you were alive 1,400 years from now?

Then why aren't you 1,400 years old?

- Well, that's a little difficult to explain.

With your permission, may I suggest

we put an end to this travesty?

Agreed. Take him away.

- Wait a minute!

I can tell you how the Crusades come out!

Mordred tries to take over your kingdom!

Maybe with a little historical licence,

I can help you out, King!

I'm very good with a screwdriver!

Just listen...

Food for Sir Mordred's latest prisoner!

Sandi... over here.

Thing... I hardly recognised you

without your head on!

Stop with that "thing" thing. This is getting

serious. I'm gonna be burned at the stake.

Can you believe that?

Me, burned at the stake?

I heard. But, see, I've brought you something.

Clarence's hammer -

to free you from your chains.

You did all this for me?

- Well, you've harmed no one.

You should be set free to return

to your natural habitat.

You mean the USA.

- Yeah, mm.

Or the sky. Wherever you like it best.

When you get an idea in your head,

you don't let go. Look at me closely.

Do I look like a monster to you?

Not any more, but you did when

you came out of your shell breathing smoke.

No, that was steam. It was as hot as an oven

in the capsule when I re-entered.

How does an ordinary man live in an oven?

This is a special suit. It resists heat.

Its even got its own temperature control -

like a built-in air-conditioning system.

Now, between that and the asbestos mater...

Asbestos material!

I need a match.

Didn't that hurt?

- No, no. Here, hold that candle.

And that doesn't either!

I must go now.

- No reason to be afraid. I'll be safe.

This material is a mixture of

a silicate of calcium and magnesium.

It doesn't conduct heat!

Now do you understand?

Of course.

No, Sandi, I'm no different from you

or anybody... Ow!

(GROANING)

What was that?

- Next room.

The man's got growing pains.

It can't last for long.

Are you all right?

Who... Who asks such a stupid question?

Tom Trimble. I'm Sir Mordred's prisoner.

- Satan himself.

He wants me to confess I killed

one of his deer.

If I confess to his charge...

.. I must forfeit all my properties to him.

It is my only legacy

to my beloved daughter Alisande.

Are you Sandi's father?

- You... You know my daughter?

Yes, yes!

- Poor child must think me dead.

Actually she thinks you're a goose.

- A goose? Her own father?

She must get word to our sovereign.

- Don't worry.

After I'm burned,

I'll tell the whole story to King Arthur.

Would it not show more foresight

to tell him BEFORE the burning?

I had troubling dreams

when I did sleep, Gawain.

Tell me, was it the Wright brothers

who discovered radio?

I think not, Your Highness. That was.. er...

That was Babe Ruth.

And Uncle Milty was... will be

the first man to fly, correct?

I believe he invents the horseless carriage,

but I dozed off through that period.

He could be trained to be a court jester.

He tells the best lies we've ever heard.

True.

- Better even than Sir Mordred's.

How's that, Sir Gawain?

- When I say better, I mean different.

You tell the most excellent lies, Sir Mordred.

Of course you do!

Executioners,

by His Majesty's gracious command,

bring in the creature!

Look at the size of him!

- He's eaten a hearty last meal.

Clarence, could you reach inside

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