Unidentified Flying Oddball Page #3

my leg there?

Hold that till I get back.

There's some very good articles in it.

It is most brave. Isn't it, Father?

Er, King Arthur, could I please have

a word with you after the burning?

After the burning?

Well, if he feels up to it, I see no harm.

Make sure it is bound securely.

(HISSING)

(THE CROWD MUTTERS)

(THE SUIT WHINES

LIKE A DEFLATING BALLOON)

It would appear it's suddenly wasting away.

Proceed while there's something left to burn.

Start the burning!

(CHEERING)

By my...!

Mordred, you're rarely at a loss for words.

What say'st thou?

Plainly he comes from hardy stock,

Your Majesty.

Merlin, fan the flames!

(MERLIN UTTERS A SPELL)

(GASPS OF ASTONISHMENT)

(SIZZLING)

Merlin.

Do you think this creature

has unholy powers?

Impossible!

I mean, Your Majesty, my liege,

I may have underestimated his capacities.

I'd rather he was with us than against us.

- We've already abused that option.

I can't have it roaming the halls of Camelot.

Mordred, it was all your doing.

And I should be the thing's undoing.

There is nothing to fear!

We have yet to see how this creature

resists cold steel! Page!

Go inside and fetch my sword.

- Me?!

Thou jests!

- Thou art on thin ice! I bid thee obey!

(SQUAWKING)

You're in trouble. Mordred's looking for you.

- I must find the monster and help him.

He cannot defend himself against weapons,

that we have seen.

What concern is that of yours?

- Clarence, perhaps he isn't a monster.

Did you see that?

With these eyes,

but my heart refuses to accept it.

Come... we must help it escape.

Come on, Father.

(SQUAWKING)

Sandi, I can explain everything! I saw...

- There's no time!

Sir Mordred threatens to run you through!

- Clarence, lend a hand here.

(MORDRED) Page, I would have my sword!

- Is there a back door? A laundry chute?

No, and only the King can order

the drawbridge lowered.

(MORDRED) I'll butcher that creature

like a hung beef!

It's locked!

Surely you can defend yourself in some way!

Do you bite?

We have the finest selection of swords

in the country here. Try one.

Isn't that King's Arthur's sword?

Oh, I knew it! Your heart is pure.

There's no time for that now. You'd better

leave before Mordred gets here.

I couldn't bear to watch anyway.

Clarence, I don't know how to fight!

I must deliver Sir Mordred his sword.

If he thought I'd befriended thee...

- Listen, you have to help me!

Impossible! Mordred would boil me in oil!

- He'll never know!

I'm a lowly page, but I'll do what I can.

- Great! Now, which way is north?

Got a hammer?

- Only in the blacksmith's shop.

Anything'll do.

I'm gonna magnetise the sword.

"Magetise" it...?

- A solid blow will rearrange its molecules.

Hurry up, come on!

What delays thee, page? I'll skewer thee!

He wenteth that way.

It's taken refuse in the Great Hall.

- Where it will see its last moments.

Ahh!

(MORDRED GRUNTS)

It has taken on rust.

I have been putting my lance to use.

Mordred, please,

I have a knack for this sort of thing.

Are you going to be long?

You're holding up the midday meal.

I beg your indulgence, sire...

.. but my sword and I seem to be at odds.

He seems quite attached to it.

I hate to impose on you, Your Majesty,

but would you be so kind?

I'll fillet thee like a flounder!

May I remind you, Mordred, that you are

a knight of the Round Table?

Ohhh!

If you'd be so kind.

- Is that fair?

A good knight must use his own judgement.

- Sir Mordred is one of our own.

Release it quickly!

- I find it impossible to oblige you.

It is metal it attracts.

Touch not metal with the blade.

- His head be not of metal!

(MORDRED SNARLS)

Guards, stay fast!

Now, Mordred, put an end to it!

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Oh, dear, what a pity.

Sir Lancelot! Is he here?

- He's taken leave.

Something about rescuing a maiden.

- I heard he was into that.

Sir BrandeI.

Ah... here's Sir Galahad.

- Sir Galahad.

I can't wait to get home

and tell the folks about this.

I've gotta get back to the 20th century.

- You keep saying that.

How can one go back to the 20th century

when we're in the 6th?

I'll figure it out.

- Tell me, Tom, please.

I promise not to let it go past this room.

Where exactly do you come from?

Do you remember when I told you

about Columbus...

Wait, wait, wait. I can't go into that again.

Bugs, the jitter, Beatles, the throw rocks...

- No, no, play rock.

You'll understand better

when I show you Stardust.

Ah, Sir Mordred.

King... No, never mind.

What is it?

I don't like to get mixed up in office politics,

but sources tell me Mordred has a sideline.

Sideline?

- He's moonlighting.

He has a guy on the rack,

trying to force him to confess to poaching

so that Mordred can rip off his land.

What?! That's a serious charge

against a knight. I trust you have proof.

Oh, I do. Follow me.

- Wait!

A king does not follow a captive,

however weird he may be.

Sorry, King, go ahead.

Downstairs and to your left, King.

Sir Mordred put him down here.

Poor guy's just skin and bones.

It appears he's wasted away to nothing.

- If indeed he ever was here.

Mordred, I'm told you're involved in a... what?

Land grab.

- Wresting property from free men.

A blatant lie, Your Majesty!

My honour had been impugned.

I demand satisfaction on the field!

- Again?!

He has that right, though I've lost

some good knights that way.

Maybe I made a mistake.

Maybe he said Moorhead, not Mordred.

A joust to the death!

- You wouldn't change that to chess?

Chess? To the death?

- I demand satisfaction!

Oh, dear. Tut tut tut. So be it.

It shall be decided tomorrow.

I'll tell you one thing! No more nice guy me!

- I think you can safely say that.

(WHISPERS) Clarence, are you alone?

- Go away.

My hours are numbered as it is.

I've got a proposition for you.

This is yours to keep

if you'll help me get outta here.

If you don't fight Sir Mordred,

you'll be banished from England for ever.

That still beats a sharp stick in the chest.

What do you say?

There's a rope by the old chapel.

I'll be there at...

What's that?

- 9 o'clock.

OK.

What news upon my worthy opponent?

- We've searched the castle. He has fled.

Obviously he's cast his spell on the guards

and fled, which gives little satisfaction to me!

If he has not made an appearance soon,

we'll consider him vanquished.

And with it, I trust, his heinous charges

against Sir Mordred, my liege.

Hello, what's this?

Oh, Father, he looks so handsome!

All in white

with his little red, white and blue flag.

We must give him something to take

into battle and his world beyond.

You shall not have your victory

without bloodletting after all.

My pleasure! Let's get on with it!

Oh, Thomas, it would make me most proud

if you'd carry something of mine into battle.

Please, wear this.

(GOOSE SQUAWKS)

Oh, it's from Father, too.

- (BLEEPS) Thank you.

Is it over yet?

- Not yet.

But the maid Alisande is talking

to your twin brother.

He's not my brother. Sandi?

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