Unidentified Flying Oddball Page #4

- Yes.

He's a humanoid, a robot.

When we reset his staticizer,

I programmed him to joust for me.

Well, if thou say so.

Thomas...

.. I wouldn't dare speak like this

if I ever had to face you again.

But since you're going to be killed, I see

no harm in revealing my feelings for you.

Clarence, I think she likes me!

- We really have no time for this.

If one of Sir Mordred's servants found us

here, I dare not contemplate his wrath.

OK.

All right, Hermes, that's enough.

Put her down and get on with the joust.

He's programmed to react,

but this is sheer insubordination.

Hermes, put the girl down and go on

with the joust. That's an order.

(BLEEPS) You feel soft.

I feel soft?

That's it? That's all you have to say?

- (BLEEPS) Later.

There is no later. I can turn you off

as fast as she can turn you on!

Get what thou seeks

and let us vacate these chambers.

You're right.

(FANFARE)

Giddy-up.

(CHEERING)

Should somebody should tell him

his arm's missing?

I cannot intercede. I made the rule.

How's it going?

Ah, look at that.

Hermes, turn around and do it again.

You just have to keep going

till you can't go any longer.

How's Hermes doing?

- Not very well, I'm afraid.

He seems to have lost his head.

- Hermes is cool.

Oh, you mean REALLY lost his head!

I'm sorry, Hermes,

but this is to save England.

I have seen similar phenomena

in chickens, My Lord.

This is England, sire.

Sir Mordred.

Can you not put an end to this?

It has long ceased to be sport.

As Your Majesty knows,

tradition demands he must yield or die!

(CHEERING)

Well, at least it's out of its misery. Come.

(ELECTRICAL SIZZLING)

(BANG!)

The contest is over down there.

- How's Hermes?

Done for.

- Maybe I can put him together again.

All the King's horses and all the King's men

couldn't do that.

Look at this! This is it! Just wait till King

Arthur gets a load of this! C'mon, let's go!

Pity. I was becoming rather attached to it,

whatever it was.

It will no longer be a source of torment.

I've despatched it from our midst for all time.

With your permission, I will

keep these remains for my laboratory...

(MACHINE BLEEPS MADLY)

.. and gain an insight into its origins

and feeding habits.

Yes, well, do as you please, Merlin,

but tidy up thoroughly.

Merlin... Oh, I'm sorry.

Might I prevail upon you to change

my father over there into his old self?

It's seems...

- Later, later, my child!

More important matters

demand my attention.

You and your father can wait in my quarters.

Wait a minute!

Everybody, stay right where you are!

Merlin, keep your mitts off Hermes!

Sandi, I'm all right.

- You are?

This is too much!

You reproduce yourself like a lizard's toe!

You change colours like a chameleon!

- I have documentary proof that Mordred

is acquiring territory, arms and men

for a takeover.

How did you acquire such holdings?

I see you've been levying your own taxes.

To what ends, Sir Mordred? Well?

To take over Camelot and, with it, England.

He sees himself in your chair, King.

Seize that knight!

- Death to Arthur!

Stop him!

(ELECTRICAL FIZZING)

Gawain, there's something unholy about this.

Wouldn't it be better to let him rest in peace?

(BLEEPING)

Perhaps a dandelion poultice would help.

It's not as bad as I thought.

I can bypass his synthesiser

and keep his command analyser functioning.

(SQUAWKING)

Maybe you can do something about Father.

- I told you, I saw your father. I talked to him.

Are you certain? He's about 12 stone

and five-foot-nine.

He may be a little taller than that now.

We must thank you for revealing Mordred's

treachery. Is there no way we can repay you?

No. I'm glad to help out.

We must inspect the castle defences.

I'm worried about Mordred's attack.

I may be able to help out there.

Hmm.

Hang in there, Hermes,

we'll have you up and about in no time.

OK.

- No hard feelings about the joust?

You are so brave, Hermes.

Oh, don't worry, he's resting comfortably.

Clarence, weren't you supposed

to help hide the valuables?

So... er...

.. how would you like

a personally conducted tour of Stardust?

Oh... I think not.

I've got some LPs you haven't heard.

Fleetwood Mac, Rolling Stones.

Thanks, anyway.

Hey... why the hot and cold bit?

Didn't you say before the joust

that you felt... pangs?

Oh, Thomas, I made an awful fool of myself.

I didn't know who or what I was talking to.

I bared my heart to... to your brother here

and it turns out that

he's full of wiggly things and smoke.

Look, Sandi, I'm just as human as you are.

I've got a mother and a father.

He's an optometrist in Poughkeepsie.

I squeaked through high school, but I did get

a masters at college and lettered in baseball.

I took Mona Shanks to the senior prom

and struck out there.

I've got a good job. What more do you want?

I am just an average American boy!

Don't you understand that?

No!

Oh, come on, Father.

Maybe we can get to see Merlin now.

Keep a sharp eye.

Fear not, sire, we shall defend our castle,

whatever the cost may be.

We shall fight on the beach heads,

we shall fight on the landing grounds,

we shall fight in the courtyards

and in the halls, we shall never surrender!

I'll be darned!

- Well said, Winston!

They'll probably come from the north.

- They'll come from the south.

Mordred will make an assault on the gates

with battering rams and superior forces.

They'll have to bridge the moat first.

I have the answer to that.

You do?

- Yes, sir.

See that hay cart down there?

- We can all see the hay cart.

What wizardry hast thou now?

- This is called a laser gun.

Hermes was supposed to use it on planets

for collecting rock samples.

You pull the trigger there and don't point it

at anything that you wanna keep.

A cart is a cart. Let's see how effective

it is against the stone walls of Camelot.

Wait one second.

(BLEEPING)

OK, OK.

- Now?

Well, what do you think?

- Well...

I have always had the highest regard

for you, Tom.

I remain, sire, your most obedient servant.

Gawain, please, cease thy fawning prattle.

This is very dangerous. Be careful

it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

Don't worry, King, I keep it handy at all times.

Oaf... it's going to be impossible

for Mordred to take Camelot

with that American and his magic candle.

Oaf kill!

No. Arthur would have

an immediate investigation.

There's more than one way to skin a cat,

though it could get pretty sticky!

Find that demented girl and tell her

the magician will see her

in the lower chambers.

And I will take care of the American.

You understand what you are to do, Oaf?

Now, you be nice to the magician

when he sees you. He's there to help.

Merlin is expecting us.

The first visit is two gold coins

payable at time of treatment.

(BELL RINGS)

The magician will see you now.

Well, my dear, what is the matter?

I'm all right, sire, it's Father...

(SCREAMS)

Let me go! Let me go!

Get rid of that accursed goose!

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