Up the River Page #2

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telling fortunes, I'd, uh...

recommend certain oil stocks.

Oh.

Well, then, you worked with someone?

- A broker.

- Did you know what you were doing?

- Of course.

- Well, then, ohy?

It was fun!

I always wanted to travel.

You know, we never hit the same town twice.

Oh, you can't understand.

Oh, yes, I do.

I've felt the same way.

- I was headed for China.

- China?

- Gee, I'd love that.

- Gee, you know...

we had jobs out there- three of us boys

and, well, then this came up.

And you threw that over

to work here?

No, you don't understand.

I don't work here.

I belong here.

- A convict?

- Yes.

But we call ourselves inmates.

- Gee, that's tough. You don't look it.

- Well, neither do you.

Well, tell me, uh, what-

what did you do?

Afight, just before the boat sailed.

- The other boy-

- What a rotten break.

[Clears Throat]

Married?

No.

Engaged?

- Say, is that on the card?

- Oh, no.

- [Typing]

- What are you in for?

Shoplifting.

I was framed!

Sure.

We all was framed.

- What's yours?

- Spittin' in a river.

Gee, I didn't know

they could pinch you for that.

Why, you told Mrs. Massey

it was for winkin' at a cop.

- For not winkin' at a cop.

- Terrible creature!

Well, at least she don't scare 'em

to death with blackmail.

Is it necessary that I wait in here

with these other persons?

Cut the ritz! We was all arrested

and here we are, in the "cansky."

- Who's she?

- Edith La Verne.

- I don't see what men see in her.

- Oh, is that the love thief?

- The extortionist.

- Extortionist?

Honey, was you in the circus?

- [Giggling]

- I'm so sorry for them. Really, l-

- [Typing Stops]

- And these are the women!

Come, girls.

- Yes, sir.

- [Chattering]

Say, there's nobody but ladies

allowed in here.

So I see.

We want to see the warden a minute.

[Women]

St. Louis!

- [Chattering]

- Okay, boys.

Hey, buddy, buddy,

where's the warden?

Oh, you got company.

- Not a bad jail.

- [Laughs]

- Hey, hey, what's the idea?

- Hello, Warden. How are you?

Well, St. Louis,

glad to have you with us.

Hello, Curly.

Say, listen, Warden.

I want to make

a little bargain with you.

You know, I thought you looked

a little bit worried out there in the yard.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, you know, thinkin' that

I might leave here unexpectedly.

- [Chuckles]

- I wanna tell you somethin'.

I'm on the square with this.

I shoot straight, see?

- When I decide to go, I give fair warning.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. How's that?

- That's fair.

- Okay, Warden. That's a bargain.

- Show him to his cell.

Oh. Oh, now, please, please.

Wait a minute.

You know, Warden,

about this cell business-

- Sorry, I haven't any cigars.

- Thanks, I don't use 'em anyway.

About this cell business, Warden, if you

don't mind, I don't like to sleep too high up.

- No?

- No.

And, if you don't mind,

I'd like a nice airy cell, you know...

plenty of windows,

and a nice southern exposure.

- Southern exposure?

- Yeah, if you don't mind.

- I'd like a double bed. And running water.

- Sure.

And I'd like-

Say, I'm not boring you, am I?

No, no. Go on.

Outta here!

Okay, Warden.

See you at supper.

Beans again, I suppose.

Southern exposure.

Running water.

Not too high up.

Sunshine.

- Say, if I had a cell like that,

I'd sleep in it myself.

- [Laughs]

[Bell Rings]

Don't forget to lock that.

A lot of new guys come in here today.

- Letters from home?

- Yeah.

Yeah, pretty regular.

Now, look here.

Here's a picture of my mother here.

And here's my kid sister

Frances over here.

- Let's see it, Steve, will you?

- Sure.

Too skinny.

I don't like 'em so skinny.

- I like legs.

- What?

Limbs.

When I left home,

she was a kid on roller skates.

- Now she's off to college.

- College?

- Yeah.

- Gee, your folks must be swell.

And look at that house! You know, it makes

me real sick to look at a house like that.

- [Chuckles] Why?

- Why?

'Cause I could've had a house like that.

Easiest thing in the world.

Only mine would've had a tower on it

with my chicken farm...

- if it wasn't for that big baboon.

- What baboon?

- He come in here today.

- He means St. Louis.

And you shut up about him.

He's the greatest ballplayer you ever saw.

Oh, how that guy can pitch.

Well, ballplayer or no ballplayer,

he'd better stay out of my way...

'cause if I ever lay my hands on that guy,

I'll croak him.

I never know how

they're gonna turn out.

[Chattering]

[Cheering]

- [Punch Lands]

- [Groans]

You're a fine guy, you are.

Leave me flat in the middle of the road.

- You callin' me a double-crosser?

- Yeah!

- You think I'd double-cross a pal?

- Didn't you?

- I thought there was a rumble seat.

- There was no rumble seat!

- That kind of car don't have a rumble seat.

- Keep quiet!

- You're not gonna let-

- All right, maybe there was

a rumble seat on the car.

- Look out for his arm, will you?

- That's the way, boys. Don't fight.

- Don't let 'em fight, Pop.

- I won't let 'em.

- Steve's my name.

- How are you? Glad to know you, kid.

Glad to know you too.

What do you say we turn in, boys?

- I think you're up there.

- Me?

[No Audible Dialogue]

Say, you wouldn't let a pitcher

climb way up there, would you?

- He might strain his arm.

- I've gotta throw too, ain't I?

You throw higher than him.

You have to throw way down to second base.

I ain't gonna let that guy

put anything else over on me.

- I'm gettin' smart!

- What do you mean, put something over on you?

- Wait a minute.

- [Voices Overlapping]

- Wait a minute.

- I'm not dumb.

I'm settlin' this thing without any fighting.

Think of a number from one to 10.

- One to 10?

- Yeah.

- Seven.

- That's it. You sleep in the lower one.

- Get on up there.

- That's fair enough, ain't it?

Long as I lost on the level, it's okay.

[Bell Rings]

- ? [Man Singing]

- ? [Guitar Strumming]

Say, on second thought, I remember.

- There was a rumble seat on that car, all right.

- [Pop] Oh, shut up!

? [Continues]

[Sobbing]

Knock it off, Freda.

Try and get some sleep.

[Sobbing Continues]

? [Ends]

[Bell Rings]

[Bell Rings]

[Guards]

All out!

Attention.

Forward. March!

- [Chattering]

- Well, how are you today, Genesis?

- How is y'all, Mrs. Massey?

- [No Audible Dialogue]

Well, Judy, quite an honor it seems to me to

be selected to instruct the warden's daughter.

Of course, it's quite

against my better judgment...

but, uh, I hope it'll turn out all right.

Thank you, Mrs. Massey.

[Woman]

Too and too is four. Four and four is eight.

- Sour grapes, kid. Sour grapes.

- Mrs. Reilly...

can Judy and I go in the yard

and take a walk?

- Surely, dear. Go right along.

- Thank you.

Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Massey?

- What a beautiful apple.

- Strange. Such good-looking girls, aren't them?

- Not a homely one among them.

- [All] Thank you, Mrs. Massey.

Years ago, when I started doing

welfare work, it was quite the reverse.

Well, in those days

women wore long skirts.

The only ones that were acquitted...

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