Urban Legend

You're listening

to "Under the Covers" with Sasha...

on WZAB, the voice

of Pendleton University.

- We're still talking to-

- Jane.

Sophomore. Hi.

So, you've been stealing

your roommate's birth control pills?

Borrowing, okay?

She never noticed before because I've

always replaced them with baby aspirin.

- With what?

- Baby aspirin. Looks exactly the same.

Anyway, so now she's pregnant

and has to leave school.

How am I gonna get a new roommate

this late in the semester?

Oh, my God!

Next caller.

Oh, no.

Sh*t.

Okay, please make it.

Run outta gas?

Yeah. Fill it up, please.

Freak show.

Miss, could you come inside...

for a minute?

- Please!

- What is it?

Your credit card company's

on the phone.

Is there a problem?

They wanna...

speak with you.

Okay, hold on a minute.

Sh*t.

Hello?

No, don't touch me!

Let me go!

Stop!

Someone's in the back seat!

You're "Under the Covers"

with Sasha on WZAB...

the voice of Pendleton University.

Caller.

Hello?

I'm right here.

Felicia, how can I help you?

Well, it's kind of embarrassing.

Spit it out.

Well, that's just the problem.

I mean, I didn't.

Had yourself a little

frat boy protein shake, did ya?

I've been feeling so sick.

I swear, I can feel them

swimming inside me.

Should I get my stomach pumped

or something?

I think the only thing you need pumped

is the air out of your head.

First, let me just congratulate you

on your choice of sexual activity...

because, sweetie, the world

is not ready for you to reproduce.

Second, did you know that ingestion

of bodily fluids...

is a major safe sex no-no?

- Really?

- Really.

My suggestion is that you down

a couple shots of Pepto...

and next time, get away

from the volcano before it erupts.

That wraps up another night.

This is Sasha signing off on WZAB.

Parker, how exactly does Sasha

come up with this stuff?

She devours every issue of "Cosmo".

- Calls it her Bible.

- Thank you.

Finish the story

about Stanley Hall.

Right.

So, this guy...

he was a professor on campus,

maybe 25 years ago.

What did he teach?

I don't know.

Physics or some sh*t.

Abnormal psychology.

You know, if you wanna tell

the story right-

Not the point of the story,

paperboy!

But fine.

Abnormal psych it is.

Anyhoo...

this guy, he just flips out,

you know?

Goes completely berserk.

Grabs a hunting knife...

and he strolls into Stanley Hall.

Bangs on every door.

And every student

that answers their door...

he takes that little knife,

and he cuts their throat...

ear to ear.

Yeah. He does away

with an entire floor...

before finally stabbing himself...

straight through the heart.

And thus...

the annual Omega Sigma Phi bash.

So you have a frat party

to commemorate a massacre?

You betcha.

Let me get this straight.

When this happened 25 years ago...

you were a sophomore.

That's funny.

Well, it's a bullshit story you hear

on every campus in the northeast.

Thank you.

I mean, where's the proof?

You see, that's the thing.

Pendleton knew damn well

that enrollment...

would suffer permanently.

So, in cahoots with the national

news media and various other powerful-

Like Lee Harvey Oswald?

Or is it Jack Ruby?

No, I know who it was.

It was that F.B.I. guy who used to

prance around in women's underwear.

He covered it all up.

That's the news room.

I gotta go. Get a life.

- Hey, Paul!

- Yeah.

Before you go, if there's another

E. coli crisis in the cafeteria...

I want you to have

the biggest, juiciest burger on me.

I'd love to. That article

almost got me the student Pulitzer.

- Bye, Paul.

- Bye, Paul.

Know what his problem is?

He can't stand any big story...

without having his byline on it.

He is such a babe.

All right?

Did it seem like

he was giving me the eye?

It was probably

the mirror behind us.

Oh, damn.

Should I ask him out anyway?

If Parker's story is true

and all those kids were murdered here...

why haven't they torn down

Stanley Hall?

because the story's not true.

It's just a legend.

If it's just a legend,

then what's the problem?

- I won't encourage this.

- Come on, Natalie.

Cut me a little slack. This is

half the reason I transferred here.

Now what exactly happens

when I say "Bloody Mary" five times?

The person standing next to you wonders

how you got into college in the first place.

- Come on.

- You're scared.

Yeah, right.

Then come on and let's do this.

Come on!

Time to raise the dead!

I can't believe this.

Bloody Mary.

Fine. No answer.

Maybe they're screening.

God.

Let's go.

You called?

She was trying to summon

the dead, Damon...

not frat boys

with badly grown facial hair.

It took me a month to grow this.

So is this what you do

for your free time, Damon?

Hang out in the dark by yourself,

waiting to scare people like a freak.

Only when I see two losers

stand in front of this relic...

trying to summon the dead.

Anyhow, I'll see you two

in class tomorrow.

- Unfortunately!

- See ya.

Jerk.

You know, he was halfway normal

before pledge week.

Sorry.

Shut off the f***ing light.

Sorry.

Last week, we discussed

folklore as a gauge...

for the values of the society

that created them.

Today-

Today, we get more specific.

A baby-sitter receives

menacing phone calls.

And upon investigating them...

she realizes that

they are originating...

from an upstairs bedroom...

the very room...

where she's left the children

under her care...

to sleep.

Now, who's heard this before?

Well, that really happened

to a girl in my hometown.

Oh, yes.

I'm sure it did.

I'm sure most of you...

grew up thinking

this did happen to girls...

in all your hometowns...

but it didn't.

You see, the baby-sitter...

and the man upstairs...

is what we call an urban legend.

Contemporary folklore...

passed on as a true story.

There are variations

of this one...

going back to the 1960s...

all of them containing

the same cultural admonition:

Young women, mind your children...

or harm will come your way.

Excuse me?

Something funny

you might care to share with us...

Ms.?

No, I was just saying, like...

maybe the cultural admonition is:

Don't baby-sit.

Why don't you come up here...

and volunteer

for my little experiment, hmm?

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Now, young lady!

- Coming.

- Yeah, baby.

Don't worry.

You'll probably survive.

- Had those before?

- Yeah, they're Pop Rocks.

They crackle in your mouth.

Eat some.

Thirsty?

Well, what's wrong?

Something you might have heard

about mixing Pop Rocks and soda?

Well, supposedly...

your stomach and your intestines,

everything bursts.

Really? Anyone you know

who died this way?

Mikey, from the cereal commercial.

Give it to Mikey.

He'll eat anything.

You mean him?

Mikey likes it.

What if I told you

that this is Mikey...

alive and well and working

as an ad executive in New York City?

Would you drink some then?

I'll do it.

Your soda.

Voila! Still alive.

As I said, class...

this story is nothing

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote