Used Cars Page #4

A communication satellite.

We bounce the microwave

off the comsat to eddie -

- on the roof of the phone company

in washington dc.

We intercept carter's transmission

and jam it with our own.

- Is this a great idea?

- When is this presidential address?

Tomorrow night, nine o'clock.

We should break in around 9.03,

before the audience gets too bored.

Jesus, guys, i don't know.

My horoscope says,

"trouble brewing on the horizon. "

And, i mean, we're f***ing

with the president of the united states!

He fucks with us, doesn't he?

You've seen

how shitty business is today.

Thanks to fuchs, we had nuns

protesting outside when i got here.

- Jim had to turn the fire hose on them.

- I knocked them right on their ass too!

I'm still five grand short.

We've got to fight fire with fire.

You'll be fighting fire

with enhanced radiation weaponry.

You guys are sure

you can pull this off, right?

Are we sure we can pull this off?

If i can build and install

a pacemaker in this man's chest, -

- i can damn well

bounce a microwave off a satellite!

Jesus, look at this thing!

Look at this...

only twelve ninety-five.

Don't you have some equipment to hook up?

Oh sh*t! Radio shack

closes in half an hour. Let's go!

- How do you change the batteries?

- It's rechargeable.

Guys! Back door, it's still light outside.

See you tomorrow night.

- Remember:
We cut in at exactly 9.03.

- Post meridian.

- What?

- Never mind.

Okay, freddie, 9.03.

- What are you guys doing?

- Will you get down!

- What?

- Do you see that woman out there?

She's trouble.

She pulled up in that red toyota.

I'm not kidding! I think she's from

the consumer protection agency.

You see the way she's looking at that

blue chevy? She knows it's a taxi.

You're paranoid.

I bet you the first thing she asks is,

"where's the owner?"

Girls who look that great don't work

for the consumer protection agency.

Just don't let the little head

do the thinking for the big head.

- Trust me.

- I do.

Congratulations!

This is our giveaway week.

Since you're our one hundredth customer,

you win.

You just won a candlelight dinner for two,

but i can see there's only one of you.

So i'll throw myself in with the deal.

How does that sound?

Listen, can you tell me

where i might find the owner?

Well... yeah...

great, because, you see,

i was just trying to...

let me tell you about this car.

I can give you an unbelievably low price.

I would certainly hope so.

Look at the finish.

- Is something wrong with the finish?

- Yeah, i see primer.

Where?

I see yellow primer here,

i see it here, i see it here...

she's baiting him.

She's knows it's a taxi, rudy!

She's from the

consumer protection agency.

I'm not with any consumer protection

agency. I used to be, but i'm not now.

- Better business bureau? Nader's raiders?

- Trust me.

As in, "trust me"?

So, look, about dinner...

- listen, is luke in his office?

- No. What do you feel like eating?

- Do you expect him back shortly?

- No, he's out of town...

- he's out of town? On business?

- Pleasure. He's in Miami beach.

- Miami?

- Miami beach.

I've been to Miami beach.

It's not that bad.

I was supposed to meet my father here.

We'll find him,

what kind of car does he drive?

He used to have a green and white edsel.

Who do you think this is?

That's her.

No resemblance.

I've been selling cars long enough to

know when somebody's telling the truth.

That is luke's daughter. Do we have any

health food restaurants in this town?

If that's luke's daughter,

we've got to get rid of her.

What if she figures out what's going on?

What if she sees our commercial?

Why not just throw her in the hole

with her old man?

When i take her out to dinner,

i'll get her drunk.

I'll tell her the reason that luke

went to florida was...

best salad bar in town:

Airport lanes!

Oh, stop it...

and he says,

"don't ask me, i'm just a farmer. "

That is the most disgusting joke

i've ever heard.

- Listen, i wanted to ask you something.

- What?

How did you know that i used to work

for the consumer protection agency?

The thing with the taxi? Why didn't you

tell me it was yellow primer?

I knew you were baiting me,

so i told you a bigger bunch of bullshit.

At least you're very honest

about your dishonesty and i admire that.

I really do.

Look, barbara, about luke...

i got to tell you something...

- luke left for florida the night i called.

- That's not the reason he left.

I think it would be better for me and

for everybody concerned if i just leave.

I was thinking of heading

up to oregon or something like that.

Thank you very much for taking

care of me. It was very considerate.

I really had a good time.

Maybe we'll do it again sometime.

Thanks a lot.

Goodbye... thanks.

Barbara... wait a minute.

Look, i know that

sometimes i can come off as -

- kind of insincere, but...

i want you to know

that i really like you.

I haven't had this much fun

with a girl ever... in my life, so...

once you and luke get your problems

worked out, come by and look me up.

I've been thinking about

what you've been saying about luke...

i'm passing judgement on a man

i haven't even seen in ten years.

I have to give him

the benefit of the doubt.

So i've decided to

stick around for a few days.

So, see you tomorrow, okay?

Goodnight.

- She's staying?

- Yeah, she's staying.

I told her luke would call.

What else could i do?

What the f*** is that?

If she sees our commercial,

she's going to be suspicious.

We're going to have a billion people

on the lot tomorrow.

I've been up all night,

trying to figure this out.

There's only one thing we can do:

Cancel the commercial.

Guys, i've got the solution

to our problem.

Courtesy of the beautiful daphne.

What i have here -

- is a one-way train ticket to Miami.

You take it out there

and give it to barbara.

Tell her luke called

and wants her to come straight down.

Jim and i will do the commercial,

you get her on the train at midnight.

I feel horseshit enough as it is.

I took her to a bowling alley,

for christ's sake!

I can't do this to her.

What would a senator do, huh?

Don't you like your salad?

Where are you?

You're certainly not here.

I was thinking how much easier everything

would have been if you'd come last week.

I don't understand. Why?

There's something i got to tell you.

I don't know

if this is the right time, but...

the truth of this whole thing

is that luke...

sir? I believe you dropped this.

Thanks.

Wait a minute.

Rudy, this is a ticket to Miami.

- I was going to wait till after dessert.

- You talked to luke last night?

Well, no...

i tried to get a hold of him, but he's

still on that fishing charter and...

- i just decided to take it on myself.

- That's the most considerate thing.

- But i can't go.

- What?

I don't want to force myself on him,

i just want to wait till he comes back.

And, besides, i'm having a wonderful time.

You're really great company.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote